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Saturday morning nyuks (12-30-22... one week only).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
Great news! I'll have plenty of leg room on the plane this trip! A bunch of people headed for a psychics convention cancelled at the last minute!

* * *​

Prisoner: "Do you really find any satisfaction in your work?"

Executioner: "Not at this time. But I expect to in the offing."

* * *​

Can you believe it? I paid $200 dollars just to see my ex-girlfriend! To be fair, they're damn good binoculars.

* * *​

Always use fabric softener when doing laundry. It will make your clothes ex-static!

* * *​

I forgot my scraper and had to use one of my plastic discount cards to remove the ice from my windshield. Didn't work too well... I only got ten percent off.

* * *​

The powerful mutant telepath, Professor X, knows everything! His less talented brother, Professor Y, never stops questioning him.

* * *​

I've been getting into Indian culture and have recently learned the difference between korma and karma: korma can make up a whole meal... karma is just desserts.

* * *​

"I've heard a lot about a special park called Strawberry Fields. Where can I find it?"

"Notting, Israel."

* * *​

An entomological query: can the queen ant knight ordinary worker ants? Get back to me soon... I want ant sirs!

* * *​

"Ever hear about the condemned prisoner who escaped into the Okefenokee Swamp only to be massacred by a gang'a 'gators? There was blood an' body parts ever'where!"

"Wow! Is that really a true story?'

"Wellll.... it is an alli-gory."

* * *​

Last night, I paused a film so I could make myself a cup of coffee. In this day and age, it's quite common to watch movies this way... so how come the theater owner fired me from my projectionist job?

* * *​

Q: Which prospector is non-binary?

A: The one who looks for gold in them/their hills.

* * *​

I start each morning with snap, crackle and pop! Then, after I've finally gotten out of bed, I make my breakfast.

* * *​

"Clerk, where do I find the condiments?"

"Aisle C."

"Well, don't take too long. I'm in a hurry."

* * *​

Come join the Flat Earth Society! We have important members all across the globe!

* * *​

Physics tells us that whatever goes up must come down. But if it doesn't come down in four hours, see a doctor quick.

* * *​

Mr. Magoo once spent two weeks outside a bordello. He was waiting for the light to turn green.

* * *​

Tachyon: "I'll have a beer, please."

Bartender: "Sorry, weirdo! I'm not serving you anything today!"

Tachyon: "How come? You did tomorrow!"

* * *​

Jesus was nailed to the cross by his wrists and feet. He's the holiest figure in Christianity.

* * *​

Doctor: "After several rounds of tests, I'm still not entire sure how your liver became so badly damaged. It's very likely that alcoholism is involved."

Patient: "Well sober up quick so you can figure it out, doc!"

* * *​

The most popular Christmas decoration in the Kremlin this year: ballistic mistletoe.

* * *​

A woman enters a pharmacy and asks to buy some cyanide.

"I can't sell you cyanide!" the pharmacist replies, shocked. "It's a deadly poison!"

"I know that!" the woman fumes. "I plan to use it to kill my husband! I've had a private detective trail that louse to a dozen different floozies in town!"

"All the more reason I can't let you have it!" the man returns. "Without absolute proof, you shouldn't even be thinking of such a thing!"

"Yeah?" the woman snarls. "How's this for proof?", and she hands the druggist a photo of her hubby in bed with his wife.

"Oh," he states flatly. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
LOL :p
Great collection, as usual. :D
My favorite:
A woman enters a pharmacy and asks to buy some cyanide.

"I can't sell you cyanide!" the pharmacist replies, shocked. "It's a deadly poison!"

"I know that!" the woman fumes. "I plan to use it to kill my husband! I've had a private detective trail that louse to a dozen different floozies in town!"

"All the more reason I can't let you have it!" the man returns. "Without absolute proof, you shouldn't even be thinking of such a thing!"

"Yeah?" the woman snarls. "How's this for proof?", and she hands the druggist a photo of her hubby in bed with his wife.

"Oh," he states flatly. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Thank you Milagros! :D Interesting favorites choice this week! It's true, you should always obtain a official approval before purchasing dangerous substances. I always bring it whenever I need a length of rope or a knife.
 
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