Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
Several mysterious deaths in our town have gone uninvestigated due to a lack of autopsies. Typical penny-pinching local government... always cutting coroners.
Brunette: "Why're you so bundled up? Aren't you getting ready to paint your house?"
Blonde: "Yeah, and that's why. Says here right on the can: 'For best results, make sure to put on two coats.' "
My boy lost at the spelling bee today... he got the word "dairy" and blurted out, "D-I-A-R-Y". He was upset about it, of course, but I told him it was pointless to cry over misspelled milk.
Q: Why don't kangaroos eat eucalyptus leaves?
A: They don't have the proper koalafications.
It was my ambition to become a Gregorian monk; I just never got the chants.
Martial arts discipline practiced by vegans which employs a lot of kicking: Toe Fu.
When I joined the army, they didn't tell me we'd be so active in the springtime. Then it happened: March fourth.
Edmund Hillary: "My friend, we're on top of the world!"
Tenzing Norgay: "Enjoy it while you can... it's all downhill from here."
I have a four year old boy... never realized how much of a bother it would be. Those AMBER Alerts are particularly annoying.
Vegetarian: "You should be ashamed! That chicken had a family!"
Glutton: "I know! That's why I ordered the family sized bucket!"
I'm the last person in the world who should be relaying sex humor... I don't get it myself.
God: "Why haven't you sailed yet?"
Noah: "The ark still has two empty stalls... I'm waiting for the mules to show up."
God: "Well that's a half-assed decision!"
Our town cemetery accepts everyone, no matter their race or religion. It's a regular melting plot.
Student: "You should retire! All you teach is a lot of useless crap!"
Teacher: "That just isn't true! Not all of you are useless!"
The Chinese believe that having shark fin soup for dinner will give them increased sexual stamina. Personally, I believe that's just silly supperstition.
Nurse: "Can I help you, sir?"
Visitor: "Yes. My name is Steven Brown... I came in to pick up my wife's results."
Nurse: "That a terrible way to refer to your newborn son, Mr. Brown!"
I escaped from an attacking grizzly bear holding nothing more than an empty crossbow! Luckily, a guy with an arrow in his knee slowed it down for me.
Q: What's the most important qualification you'll need if you want to work at the Mountain Dew Distribution Plant?
A: A can Dew attitude.
Legend has it that the ghost ship Flying Dutchman has never put into any port. I suppose that would be tough to do with just a skeleton crew.
Forgiving your enemies brings you one step closer to Heaven. Trusting your enemies brings you ten steps closer to Heaven.
Local thugs heaped manure on me as a warning to keep my mouth shut, but it did them no good... I was under turd.
Three recently deceased young ladies, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde, stand before the Pearly Gates, being interviewed by Saint Peter.
"To enter Heaven, you must state your qualifications," Saint Peter gravely intones. "If you fail to convince me, you'll go straight to Hell."
The redhead steps forward first.
"I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!" she states proudly.
"To Hell with you!" Saint Peter roars and she immediately descends into a vortex of flames.
The brunette, more trepidatious, steps forward next.
"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world," she states solemnly.
"To Hell with you!" roars Saint Peter and the flames roar yet again.
The blonde then trots forward, vacantly oblivious the fate of her two companions.
"I think..." she begins.
"To Hell with you!" roars Saint Peter.
* * *
Brunette: "Why're you so bundled up? Aren't you getting ready to paint your house?"
Blonde: "Yeah, and that's why. Says here right on the can: 'For best results, make sure to put on two coats.' "
* * *
My boy lost at the spelling bee today... he got the word "dairy" and blurted out, "D-I-A-R-Y". He was upset about it, of course, but I told him it was pointless to cry over misspelled milk.
* * *
Q: Why don't kangaroos eat eucalyptus leaves?
A: They don't have the proper koalafications.
* * *
It was my ambition to become a Gregorian monk; I just never got the chants.
* * *
Martial arts discipline practiced by vegans which employs a lot of kicking: Toe Fu.
* * *
When I joined the army, they didn't tell me we'd be so active in the springtime. Then it happened: March fourth.
* * *
Edmund Hillary: "My friend, we're on top of the world!"
Tenzing Norgay: "Enjoy it while you can... it's all downhill from here."
* * *
I have a four year old boy... never realized how much of a bother it would be. Those AMBER Alerts are particularly annoying.
* * *
Vegetarian: "You should be ashamed! That chicken had a family!"
Glutton: "I know! That's why I ordered the family sized bucket!"
* * *
I'm the last person in the world who should be relaying sex humor... I don't get it myself.
* * *
God: "Why haven't you sailed yet?"
Noah: "The ark still has two empty stalls... I'm waiting for the mules to show up."
God: "Well that's a half-assed decision!"
* * *
Our town cemetery accepts everyone, no matter their race or religion. It's a regular melting plot.
* * *
Student: "You should retire! All you teach is a lot of useless crap!"
Teacher: "That just isn't true! Not all of you are useless!"
* * *
The Chinese believe that having shark fin soup for dinner will give them increased sexual stamina. Personally, I believe that's just silly supperstition.
* * *
Nurse: "Can I help you, sir?"
Visitor: "Yes. My name is Steven Brown... I came in to pick up my wife's results."
Nurse: "That a terrible way to refer to your newborn son, Mr. Brown!"
* * *
I escaped from an attacking grizzly bear holding nothing more than an empty crossbow! Luckily, a guy with an arrow in his knee slowed it down for me.
* * *
Q: What's the most important qualification you'll need if you want to work at the Mountain Dew Distribution Plant?
A: A can Dew attitude.
* * *
Legend has it that the ghost ship Flying Dutchman has never put into any port. I suppose that would be tough to do with just a skeleton crew.
* * *
Forgiving your enemies brings you one step closer to Heaven. Trusting your enemies brings you ten steps closer to Heaven.
* * *
Local thugs heaped manure on me as a warning to keep my mouth shut, but it did them no good... I was under turd.
* * *
Three recently deceased young ladies, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde, stand before the Pearly Gates, being interviewed by Saint Peter.
"To enter Heaven, you must state your qualifications," Saint Peter gravely intones. "If you fail to convince me, you'll go straight to Hell."
The redhead steps forward first.
"I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!" she states proudly.
"To Hell with you!" Saint Peter roars and she immediately descends into a vortex of flames.
The brunette, more trepidatious, steps forward next.
"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world," she states solemnly.
"To Hell with you!" roars Saint Peter and the flames roar yet again.
The blonde then trots forward, vacantly oblivious the fate of her two companions.
"I think..." she begins.
"To Hell with you!" roars Saint Peter.
