Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
The brave courier Phillipides ran 26 miles non-stop to bring Athens news of the Greek victory at Marathon. Word has it that he was quite a dashing hero.
Everyone in my family believes I'm too lazy to achieve anything in life. Proving them wrong is what gets me out of bed every afternoon!
She: "Back from fishing, eh? Catch anything?"
He: "Yep. Something 10 inches long and slippery."
She: "An eel?"
He: "No. A slipper."
I tried my best to make sourdough bread... but it's all gone a rye!
Air traveler: "You have to do something! My wife just passed out and toppled onto the luggage carousel!"
Airport official: "Don't worry, sir. She'll soon come around."
My wife has long been concerned about my constant trips to Vegas, so she insisted I go to Gamblers Anonymous. The meetings haven't done anything to solve the problem, but to ease her worries I tell her that I'm bettor now.
Q: Why does Rio's Statue of Christ the Redeemer have his arms outstretched like that?
A: Because He once blessed a fish thisssssss big!
He: "Now that I've finally persuaded you to join me for a cruise, tell me what you think of my brand new yack-it."
She: "That's 'yacht', skipper. The 'c' is silent."
He: "True, true... it is indeed a tranquil evening."
King: "I'm off to avenge the death of my brother! Who's with me?"
Soldier: "Sire, you have my sword!"
Elf: "And my bow!"
Dwarf: "And my ax!"
Necromancer: "And your dead brother!"
I've always known there were professional doms, but I never realized there was such a thing as a professional sub until my brother took the job. He was strapped for cash.
"My husband's finally been cured of his lycanthropy!"
"I'll bet he's happy about that!"
"Happy? He's over the moon!"
My uncle used to run a petrol station in County Cork. His name: Phillip McCann.
He: "So, did you pick up that French maid outfit you mentioned on the phone?"
She: "Yes! Thanks so much for approving the purchase!"
He: "Hey, it might be just the thing to spice up our sex life! So, let's see it!"
She: "Here it is, an original Christian Dior! Cost $7000.00! But it's all French made!"
I talk dirty to my girlfriend every chance I get, but it never seems to make her happy. Can't understand it... she specifically told me she wanted aural sex.
"Oooooh, that's much too cold!" cries the man after dipping his toe in the water.
"Very good, sir. If you'll please replace your footwear, I'm bring you a replacement glass," replies the waiter.
Contrary to popular rumor, famous cartoon creator Walt Disney was not frozen after death. He is, however, in a state of suspended animation.
Q: During the Zombie Apocalypse, which of the deceased are the most likely to rise?
A: Those who died of yeast infections.
Once both his very devout parents had died, my best buddy turned atheist. He really didn't like being looked down on.
Q: What's the main difference between the "Boba Fett" series and the "Back to the Future" series?
A: The first has a Mandalorian; the second has a manned DeLorean.
My uncle reminds me a lot of my dad. Like just yesterday, he said to me, "How long's it been since your dad ran off? Twenty years, right?"
He: "I've always adored animals. I work with them every day."
She: "That's so sweet! So, are you a vet?"
He: "No. A butcher."
Streetwalker: "Hey, big boy! If you wanna sleep with me, it's fifty dollars!"
Greenhorn: "Why, that's mighty kind'a you, ma'am! I am a bit tired. And I really could use the money!"
* * *
Everyone in my family believes I'm too lazy to achieve anything in life. Proving them wrong is what gets me out of bed every afternoon!
* * *
She: "Back from fishing, eh? Catch anything?"
He: "Yep. Something 10 inches long and slippery."
She: "An eel?"
He: "No. A slipper."
* * *
I tried my best to make sourdough bread... but it's all gone a rye!
* * *
Air traveler: "You have to do something! My wife just passed out and toppled onto the luggage carousel!"
Airport official: "Don't worry, sir. She'll soon come around."
* * *
My wife has long been concerned about my constant trips to Vegas, so she insisted I go to Gamblers Anonymous. The meetings haven't done anything to solve the problem, but to ease her worries I tell her that I'm bettor now.
* * *
Q: Why does Rio's Statue of Christ the Redeemer have his arms outstretched like that?
A: Because He once blessed a fish thisssssss big!
* * *
He: "Now that I've finally persuaded you to join me for a cruise, tell me what you think of my brand new yack-it."
She: "That's 'yacht', skipper. The 'c' is silent."
He: "True, true... it is indeed a tranquil evening."
* * *
King: "I'm off to avenge the death of my brother! Who's with me?"
Soldier: "Sire, you have my sword!"
Elf: "And my bow!"
Dwarf: "And my ax!"
Necromancer: "And your dead brother!"
* * *
I've always known there were professional doms, but I never realized there was such a thing as a professional sub until my brother took the job. He was strapped for cash.
* * *
"My husband's finally been cured of his lycanthropy!"
"I'll bet he's happy about that!"
"Happy? He's over the moon!"
* * *
My uncle used to run a petrol station in County Cork. His name: Phillip McCann.
* * *
He: "So, did you pick up that French maid outfit you mentioned on the phone?"
She: "Yes! Thanks so much for approving the purchase!"
He: "Hey, it might be just the thing to spice up our sex life! So, let's see it!"
She: "Here it is, an original Christian Dior! Cost $7000.00! But it's all French made!"
* * *
I talk dirty to my girlfriend every chance I get, but it never seems to make her happy. Can't understand it... she specifically told me she wanted aural sex.
* * *
"Oooooh, that's much too cold!" cries the man after dipping his toe in the water.
"Very good, sir. If you'll please replace your footwear, I'm bring you a replacement glass," replies the waiter.
* * *
Contrary to popular rumor, famous cartoon creator Walt Disney was not frozen after death. He is, however, in a state of suspended animation.
* * *
Q: During the Zombie Apocalypse, which of the deceased are the most likely to rise?
A: Those who died of yeast infections.
* * *
Once both his very devout parents had died, my best buddy turned atheist. He really didn't like being looked down on.
* * *
Q: What's the main difference between the "Boba Fett" series and the "Back to the Future" series?
A: The first has a Mandalorian; the second has a manned DeLorean.
* * *
My uncle reminds me a lot of my dad. Like just yesterday, he said to me, "How long's it been since your dad ran off? Twenty years, right?"
* * *
He: "I've always adored animals. I work with them every day."
She: "That's so sweet! So, are you a vet?"
He: "No. A butcher."
* * *
Streetwalker: "Hey, big boy! If you wanna sleep with me, it's fifty dollars!"
Greenhorn: "Why, that's mighty kind'a you, ma'am! I am a bit tired. And I really could use the money!"
