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simpson quotes

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
 
Upon receiving his college degree...

HOMER: "I AM SO SMART!"
"I AM SO SMART!"
"I AM SO SMART!"
"S-M-R-T!"
I mean "S-M-A-R-T!"

Rasputin
 
Homer:

"Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

Rasputin
 
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
 
Homer: You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
 
"I know you can read my thoughts, boy : Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow."- Homer Simpson

Too effin funny!
 
Dear god, how could I have missed this thread:

Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg!
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [later] Listen, Senor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Spielbergo: Er, Schindler es bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod:we're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!
 
Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
 
Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that
word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!
 
Homer: MY BEER!!!!! ( Homer sobs while holding the bottle ) you didnt have a chance to become my urine
 
Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
 
(In evil Mr. Burns laugh) Mahahahahahah Take that blow a roma, take that quick E mart, take that Nuclear Power Plant, oh fiddle sticks
 
Mr.Burns: (To Homer)One more thing...You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr.Burns: And the road maps, and the driving gloves?!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr.Burns:Then its all falling into place!
 
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
 
Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million-dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million-dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?
 
Homer Simpson butchering Tubthumping song

You takes a whiskey drink

You takes a chocolate drink

And when you pee,you use the sink
 
Homer: (to the Flinstones theme) Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree... Ahhhh! (Homer jumps clear as car ploughes directly into tree)
 
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.
 
Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool.
Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything.
Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
 
Miss Hoover: Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover: Yes Ralph?
Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.
 
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