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Jokes

Re: Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

ForgottenTcklr said:

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.




Click to expand...
ForgottenTcklr, you have posted a lot of good jokes! LOL Thanks for starting this thread I have enjoyed reading the jokes man! Michigan J Frog
 
Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen." :jester:
 
A husband is at home watching a football game when his
wife interrupted, Honey, could you fix the light in the
hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily; Fix the light, now?
Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my
forehead? I don't think so!

The wife asks, Well then, Could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right. To which he replied, Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine, she says, Then could you atleast fix the steps to
the front door? They're about to break.

I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps,
he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written
on my forehead? I don't think so.

I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!
So he went to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife
and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are
already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall
light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, How'd all this get fixed?

She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried.
Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and
I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I
had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied, HELLOOOOO.......Do you see Betty Crocker
written on my forehead? I don't think so!
:wow:
 
There was a Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept
with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she
wants pictures of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He
then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one
that belongs to you and send the rest back.



uh, RAH!!!!
:wow: 😀
 
ticklemebreezy said:
A husband is at home watching a football game when his
wife interrupted, Honey, could you fix the light in the
hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily; Fix the light, now?
Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my
forehead? I don't think so!

The wife asks, Well then, Could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right. To which he replied, Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine, she says, Then could you atleast fix the steps to
the front door? They're about to break.

I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps,
he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written
on my forehead? I don't think so.

I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!
So he went to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife
and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are
already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall
light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, How'd all this get fixed?

She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried.
Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and
I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I
had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied, HELLOOOOO.......Do you see Betty Crocker
written on my forehead? I don't think so!
:wow:
Click to expand...
Hey Breezy that was a good one! 😀
 
sarlox said:
There was a Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept
with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she
wants pictures of herself back.

So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He
then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one
that belongs to you and send the rest back.



uh, RAH!!!!
:wow: 😀
Click to expand...
Good one Sarlox! 😀
Wouldn't you have loved to seen her face? LOLHave a good one , Tracy!
 
Say your Prayers

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"
 
38 Ways to Say Someone is Stupid!!!

1. A few clowns short of a circus

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiement in artifical stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney's clogged

22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky's kinked

37. Surfing in Nebraska

38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
 
Finger Linking Good

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"
 
Confucious Says

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
 
Too Much Sun!!!

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
 
DIRTY SEX PICS

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
 
The Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars"

14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."

13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"

12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't."

11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."

10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..."

9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"

8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."

7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."

6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."

5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."

4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."

3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."

2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."

1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"
 
Star Wars Christmas

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... lightsabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!" Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents."
 
New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
 
Re: New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes

ForgottenTcklr said:
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Click to expand...
Those were pretty good FT
Click to expand...
😀
Tracy
 
The difference between Blue Cross and HMO

Most of you probably have already heard this joke it has been around a long time.
Click to expand...


VASECTOMY

Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one mans gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get a hand job & he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "That is the difference between an HMO & Complete Coverage."

Tracy
 
What did the egg say?

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!
Hey I know it is Korny! LOL But I thought it was a wee bit cute
Click to expand...
😛 Tracy
 
Alright guys:

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
 
Red Ring Around Clinton's Collar

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks,"What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."
 
MOTH EXTERMINATOR

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
 
LABOR PAINS!!!

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
 
Cow Tail

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.
 
Re: Cow Tail

ForgottenTcklr said:

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

Click to expand...
LOL Poor guy! That was funny FT, hey they all were 😀 Love and Peace.....Tracy
 
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