First off, not bad. It has me interested in the rest, which is good under any circumstances. Here's my take and critique...
It's hard to actually know what to judge without knowing where you plan on going with this. If it's a short story or novella, the whole critique would be different than if you are planning a full-length novel. I'm going to assume from what you said that it's the latter and go from there.
While generally well-written, there's too much information being given out (is this the beginning of the novel?) too early. I understand the need to set up your world and its laws, but you might want to bring some in as they are relevant. The point about the money and the tatooes makes sense, but you don't have to explain everything all at once. I'm curious to know why these laws exist, but that I'm sure will become clear later.
Your characters are nice and varied, but you may want to leave a little more to the imagination at the start. It's difficult to know what kind of a situation to set up within the confines of the revelations you've given. Here's a tip, and this is only from the point of view of my particular style of writing...make the situation fit what you've already established, not the other way around. Let the story as a whole unfold as needed when you want to include another aspect of character development.
Let me take a passage out of something similar, part of a short I've been working on for a Star Wars fiction mag. The first is a first draft, the second is pared down and polished...
The cantina on Sonoma Zekot's Northern Port reminded Tarrin of almost every other she'd seen from one end of the galaxy to the other. She'd seen a lot of them, and this one was no different, save in smell, perhaps. Walking in, she was careful to keep her lightsaber concealed. This sector of the galaxy was crawling with Peace Brigade, the turncoat Vong sympathizers who were busy selling out their own kind to appease the invading Yuuzhan Vong. They wouldn't hesitate to turn her in as a Jedi to save their own necks. Scanning the crowd, there were many who would easily fit the bill. A cloaked figure in the corner, with what looked like a beak, seemed to be staring in her direction for a brief moment too long...as did the group of Rodians wearing jackets a little too heavy for Sonoma Zekot's summer humidity. The cooling system in the place wasn't operational, it seemed, and the green-skinned aliens raised a red flag immediately...
Now redone...
Entering the cantina, Tarrin was impressed only by Sonoma Zekot's similarity to most other worlds in the Galaxy...at least within the confines of a drinking establishment. Lightsaber carefully concealed in its newly-fashioned shoulder strap, she scanned the crowd for possible trouble. The beaked figure shadowed under a light cloak could be Peace Brigade, but what concerned the young Jedi more was the prescence of a group of Rodians lingering their gaze almost imperceptibly. Without a functioning coolant system, the cantina seemed much to humid for the reptilian beings wearing heavy cloaks. Cloaks perfect for hiding weapons capable of taking down a Jedi and turning her over to their new Vong masters...
The second leaves a little to be told later, plus brings the reader into the setting of mystery that the cantina holds.
All in all, I'd say you have a great start going there. The setting is interesting, the characters filled out and the pace quite readable. I'd say go for the whole thing, then read it over. It's a lot easier to rewrite once you have the whole vision in front of you. And you will rewrite, it comes with the territory.
I'd like to see more of this, and I wish you the best of luck with it. It's nice to see someone so interested in trying to bring a vision forth. Great job!😎
