Bashiku
1st Level Orange Feather
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2006
- Messages
- 2,110
- Points
- 0
Well I must admit I've been feeling so depressed lately that it isn't usual even for myself. I just felt the need to make this thread and take few stones of my heart as a remedy of relief. I don't ask for advices, nor for words of comfort, just someone who will read this and understand it.
Lately I've felt so unsuccessful about my life, my love life, studies, hobbies, even about fetish dark side. Everything seemed to crumble down with each step I make, everything I ever built.
Let us start with my hobbies, for that is most important to me. Through them I found a way to create something unique, something personal to me. In this I categories my love for drawing and writing. I wrote and drew for... eight full years now, advancing with each step, never taking any studies and always doing all by myself. Taking in account that eight years ago I was twelve I was very proud of myself till recently. Now I just find myself as a single sand piece in the desert, there is just too many people who are superior to others that it doesn't even give you any pleasure to make something when you know you are going to be third rated anyway. That is quite frustrating for me and that is why I decided to not do anything constructive here anymore. Only things done now are my projects in darkness, which it seems should stay in darkness or preferably in recycle bin.
Now onto love life... what an epic saga I can write about that. I went out with only one girl, she seduced me and wanted for us to have a long and nice relationship and just when I hoped everything was going up and for better, she told me on our second date that we are going too fast. Hell we didn't have sex on our first date and have a child to say we are going too fast. We know basics of each other, not anything deep, but I hoped we would get to there, but I felt crushed at that moment, putting my fake smile, but crying inside. Would crying be a good word... probably not, but who cares about that so far. I always believed that in relationship a boy should be a gentlemen, gentle to the girl and understanding, always listening to her and helping her. Hell I find the junkies here having three or more girls here under just one arm. Is this justice?
Now onto final part that is depressing enough. My fetish was always something unique to me, for I was not of sexual nature drawn into it, but I liked it and took every opportunity I had... knowing there were not many opportunities in my life to do that. I tried every single fantasy, from friends to teachers, never with bondage cause I suck at it, but those were always few pokes. Lately I must admit that my hunger grew a lot and I find myself asking why I didn't do what most guys did in their past. Hell most of the people here tied and tortured people with their parents next room and didn't get caught, punished and so on. Why didn't I do that? Why the hell was I so scared to do anything about it? I have no idea... I was just trying to live as I am, but people around me always... well I felt they always saw me as freak. Even now I feel like I am not accepted in neither worlds, for I am not interested in sex, but in fetish world I am not binded by sexual content nor do I find it more important than breathing. I can do it without it and have proven myself that, but why did I spend that time so?
I feel stupid right now, reading this post from beginning, almost wishing I never wrote anything, but I still know I have to post this. This is my kind of a relief, putting stress out through this, for I lived good natured life for twenty years. I helped everyone I could, I gave to the poor, I respected every opinion and defended the minorities. Certainly the God has nothing against me, even though I am not a church person, but I still respect him and honor him in my own way. So why? Why can't I succeed in anything I try, I do? Why is every my effort I wasted, unless I am helping others? Most time in those cases they are going up and forget about me and their promises given to me, rarely they stick with me cause I am a true friend.
To those who read this, my full hearted thanks. I didn't intend to overburden you with my problems so much, but just knowing you read this is enough for me to go on, even though I know this cycle will go on. Thank you once again.
Lately I've felt so unsuccessful about my life, my love life, studies, hobbies, even about fetish dark side. Everything seemed to crumble down with each step I make, everything I ever built.
Let us start with my hobbies, for that is most important to me. Through them I found a way to create something unique, something personal to me. In this I categories my love for drawing and writing. I wrote and drew for... eight full years now, advancing with each step, never taking any studies and always doing all by myself. Taking in account that eight years ago I was twelve I was very proud of myself till recently. Now I just find myself as a single sand piece in the desert, there is just too many people who are superior to others that it doesn't even give you any pleasure to make something when you know you are going to be third rated anyway. That is quite frustrating for me and that is why I decided to not do anything constructive here anymore. Only things done now are my projects in darkness, which it seems should stay in darkness or preferably in recycle bin.
Now onto love life... what an epic saga I can write about that. I went out with only one girl, she seduced me and wanted for us to have a long and nice relationship and just when I hoped everything was going up and for better, she told me on our second date that we are going too fast. Hell we didn't have sex on our first date and have a child to say we are going too fast. We know basics of each other, not anything deep, but I hoped we would get to there, but I felt crushed at that moment, putting my fake smile, but crying inside. Would crying be a good word... probably not, but who cares about that so far. I always believed that in relationship a boy should be a gentlemen, gentle to the girl and understanding, always listening to her and helping her. Hell I find the junkies here having three or more girls here under just one arm. Is this justice?
Now onto final part that is depressing enough. My fetish was always something unique to me, for I was not of sexual nature drawn into it, but I liked it and took every opportunity I had... knowing there were not many opportunities in my life to do that. I tried every single fantasy, from friends to teachers, never with bondage cause I suck at it, but those were always few pokes. Lately I must admit that my hunger grew a lot and I find myself asking why I didn't do what most guys did in their past. Hell most of the people here tied and tortured people with their parents next room and didn't get caught, punished and so on. Why didn't I do that? Why the hell was I so scared to do anything about it? I have no idea... I was just trying to live as I am, but people around me always... well I felt they always saw me as freak. Even now I feel like I am not accepted in neither worlds, for I am not interested in sex, but in fetish world I am not binded by sexual content nor do I find it more important than breathing. I can do it without it and have proven myself that, but why did I spend that time so?
I feel stupid right now, reading this post from beginning, almost wishing I never wrote anything, but I still know I have to post this. This is my kind of a relief, putting stress out through this, for I lived good natured life for twenty years. I helped everyone I could, I gave to the poor, I respected every opinion and defended the minorities. Certainly the God has nothing against me, even though I am not a church person, but I still respect him and honor him in my own way. So why? Why can't I succeed in anything I try, I do? Why is every my effort I wasted, unless I am helping others? Most time in those cases they are going up and forget about me and their promises given to me, rarely they stick with me cause I am a true friend.
To those who read this, my full hearted thanks. I didn't intend to overburden you with my problems so much, but just knowing you read this is enough for me to go on, even though I know this cycle will go on. Thank you once again.
