A guy's social life is important to women? Why?

[CaptainQuantum]

I belong to a site that has to do with how to seduce women (I've since given up because its too much work, and decided to just go back to paying to tickle women). This is a quote from a thread having to do with picking up women in a mall:

In a mall, you act like you're supposed to be there. You convey the image that you're on a mission, and you just hapoened to meet a woman you're interested in. You don't walk around the mall aimlessly complimenting women...it looks bad, bro. The Hired Guns will sniff you out in no time...Rememeber that nothing turns a woman off faster than a man who appears to have no social life.

One question: as far as dating goes, WHY does it matter to a woman whether or not a guy seems to have friends/a social life or not? What's the big deal if he doesn't have any friends? Maybe he's just a perfectly normal guy who just doesn't have much interest in other people, besides wanting a girlfriend because he has needs. Just a perfectly normal guy who only wants to stay at home cuddling, holding hands, telling each other I love you, etc....just the 2 of them in their own little world, for the rest of their lives?

And another question: why if a guy is in his 30s and never had a gf, do people assume there's something wrong with him? Maybe he's just a perfectly normal guy with just very low self-esteem/self-confidence who needs love.

Not that it matters now anyway because I've decided to just give up on ever having a girlfriend once and for all. If I never have a gf, then its the fault of the women I've met for being so picky, not mine, and I'll just be an innocent victim. All I care about is that she's halfway cute (a 6/10 in looks, and I think my looks are at least a 6 myself), and is nice to me. What more would I need? Well of course, she has to let me tickle her or I'd break up with her on the spot. But I'm not picky at all when you think about it. Why do women have to be??

 

[lojak]

control, knowledge is power the more information she has on your the better she can control you. if you notice that she is not completely truthful with you about herself. they only tell you what they want you to know. other than that you need to hire an spy.

 

[Cav88]

I guess they want a guy who can hold a coversation.

 

[MrMacphisto]

Simple... I wouldn't want to be with a woman with no social life, so I can understand the female equivalent point of view.

The nature of a person's social life gives an insight into what that person's social skills are like. Granted, I have a limited social life myself, but that doesn't mean I don't have one. However, I'm obviously not the most savoir faire guy out there either. While I'm not looking for the most socially adept woman, I'd prefer her to have a certain level of social skills. I can totally understand why women would prefer the same in men.

 

[CaptainQuantum]

Simple... I wouldn't want to be with a woman with no social life, so I can understand the female equivalent point of view.

The nature of a person's social life gives an insight into what that person's social skills are like. Granted, I have a limited social life myself, but that doesn't mean I don't have one. However, I'm obviously not the most savoir faire guy out there either. While I'm not looking for the most socially adept woman, I'd prefer her to have a certain level of social skills. I can totally understand why women would prefer the same in men.

I know what you're saying. I'm just saying I'd be interested in having a girlfriend only because I have needs (need to be loved, to be told I'm attractive, to be told I'm special, etc), and besides her I honestly wouldn't care if I never saw another human being again. That's because I just have very little interest in other people except if I need them for something (for example a girlfriend). And in my particular case, where I'd prefer it to be just me and my girlfriend at home every night for the rest of our lives, just the 2 of us in our own little world, for my purposes social skills wouldn't matter at all.

 

[TicklishLurker]

You can tell a man by her friends. If his friends are scum, it's likely he's scum too.

And a man wandering around with no social life looks desperate. Desperate men have been known to do - bad things.

His past dating life is important too. In this day and age of STDs, HIV/AIDS, and the like, we need to know these things so we know what kind of risk we're putting ourselves at.

 

[Helena]

CaptainQuantum,
😛 How are you, darling? 😛
I hope you are able to find the type of girl you would like.

 

[Headsnap]

I don't honestly think anyone cares about anyone else's social life; it just FEELS that way because, if you've got no social life and don't move in any circles, it's harder to meet women. I'm pretty much perfectly placed to comment on this; when I was younger, between the ages of 13 and 21-22, I had a pretty active social life and, although I've never been Don Juan deMarco, when I was hanging around with the various groups I hung around with I would from time to time find myself romantically attached to various females. I can't, can NOT under any circumstances, make the first move with any woman I'm interested in because that results in a transformation into either Awkward 13-Year Old Child-Man who pisses about doing childish things and making childish jokes and can't sit still for 5 seconds because he's so nervous, or The Amazing Mister Shite-Topic Waffler who, in an attempt to seem like the listening type, picks up on the most uninteresting things that the woman reveals about herself and chats on endlessly about them. However even in spite of that I managed to get myself into relationships while I was with my mates, because if you're out and about it creates opportunities; your mate's girlfriend's bored mate, that monstrous slapper on the last bus home from a drunken night in town, that sort of thing.

Then sometime around my 22nd birthday I said fuck it all and decided I didn't like the sort of social life I had, so I stopped hanging around with the people I was hanging around with. As a result I haven't even had a sniff of a woman for the past 2 and a bit years, largely because I don't meet any outside of the workplace.

Also I would hardly consider anyone who hasn't had a relationship to be "weird"; one of my uncles is in his mid-forties and hasn't ever had an other half in the entirety of my living memory, and he's one of the best people I've ever met.

 

[lk70]

I'm just saying I'd be interested in having a girlfriend only because I have needs (need to be loved, to be told I'm attractive, to be told I'm special, etc), and besides her I honestly wouldn't care if I never saw another human being again. That's because I just have very little interest in other people except if I need them for something (for example a girlfriend). And in my particular case, where I'd prefer it to be just me and my girlfriend at home every night for the rest of our lives, just the 2 of us in our own little world, for my purposes social skills wouldn't matter at all.

Because, quite frankly, this sounds like it could be describing a serial killer.

I'm certain that's not the case with you, of course.

 

[kis123]

With all due respect.........

Please take this in the spirit it is intended. If I offend, I aplogize in advance. Here's my take on your subject matter:

A man doesn't want a clingy woman void of self-confidence and self-esteem. A woman does not want a clingy, desparate, overbearing man to suck the life out of her. A man should have some sort of social history, if he doesn't, all sorts of red flags will go off. He will appear possessive and needy-totally undesirable qualities and a complete turn-off to me.

Any relationship REQUIRES work-if you're not willing to cultivate and develop a relationship don't pursue one.

 

[911]

Because, quite frankly, this sounds like it could be describing a serial killer.

I'm certain that's not the case with you, of course.

Just because someone keeps to themselves dosen't make them a serial killer.

 

[lojak]

Please take this in the spirit it is intended. If I offend, I aplogize in advance. Here's my take on your subject matter:

A man doesn't want a clingy woman void of self-confidence and self-esteem. A woman does not want a clingy, desparate, overbearing man to suck the life out of her. A man should have some sort of social history, if he doesn't, all sorts of red flags will go off. He will appear possessive and needy-totally undesirable qualities and a complete turn-off to me.

Any relationship REQUIRES work-if you're not willing to cultivate and develop a relationship don't pursue one.

i agree with everything but the sucking life out of her, at least in my case. i was sooooo full of life. but now i'm going to be a bitter old jewish guy.

 

[CaptainQuantum]

A man doesn't want a clingy woman void of self-confidence and self-esteem.

Actually for my purposes, a clingy woman wouldn't bother me at all because I'm such a bottomless pit of insecurity that I would need her constant attention to reassure me that she loved me and found me attractive.

 

[storyteller]

I want to know about the life, social and otherwise, of a man I’m interested in becoming, or am, involved with because I want to know how I fit into it. Am I a daily priority or an “at-his-convenience” entity? As Jami already said, his past could affect my health, and you bet I want to know that as well. Equally important are his willingness to join the rest of the world, at least on occasion, and converse, listen, share, and learn with and from me and others. Contrary to lojak’s view—and I’m sure I’m not alone in this--I don’t ask a man anything I won’t answer honestly and directly myself. Nor do I expect him to be socially adept at all times, because I'm not either.

Someone whose only interest in other people is getting something from them smacks of a self-centered egoist who wants to be worshipped without giving anything in return. I don't find that attractive in anyone, regardless of their physical appearance or the activity level of their social life.

 

[isabeau]

Actually for my purposes, a clingy woman wouldn't bother me at all because I'm such a bottomless pit of insecurity that I would need her constant attention to reassure me that she loved me and found me attractive.

ahh there's the problem in a nutshell...you are insecure..i know all about insecurity believe me..but constant attention would get old after a bit..what you need to do is try to be more self assured..try to think well of yourself first..and i speak from experience..for years i was very insecure but lately am learning to be more self confident..

as far as wanting a guy who is adept at social skills..well hubby was shy when i met him, however he did have his set of friends...i was shy also.

anyway good luck..

 

[drew70]

Here's my opinion, as always, to be taken with a grain of salt. 🙂

Captain, like many guys, you're stuck in a vicious endless circle, my friend. You crave love from women intensely. Nothing wrong there, I mean who doesn't, right? Because these needs have gone unmet for a considerable duration, you're emotionally "injured," so to speak.

This "open wound" has in some measure incapacitated your ability to care about others, because it's all you can manage to deal with your own problem. When you see an attractive woman, it's always through the lens of a "cure for my problem." It's not your fault, man. We humans are wired in such a way, that our self-preservation often overrules our capacity for caring about others. It's difficult to ask a starving man to exhibit concern for the nutritional needs of his neighbors.

The problem is, when women see this (and trust me, it's as visible to them as the color of your hair), they tend to lose interest, because they have needs too. They need somebody to love them, listen to them, and care about them. The last thing they want is a desperate needy guy to take take take, and return nothing. And so they keep their distance, thereby compounding the problem further.

There's only one way to break this cycle, and that's a complete overhaul on your outlook toward life and toward women. You have to start caring about them. Develop an interest in who they are. Their likes and dislikes. Their hopes, dreams, and fears. You've got to make it a priority to figure out what they need, and how you might fulfill that need. No, I'm not talking about sex, although that too is a need. I'm talking about emotional and relational needs. She needs to know you care about her, that you're interested and concerned with anything through which she might be going.

As difficult as it may seem, you've got to put your own woes aside, and begin to actually care about the women in whom you're interested. How does one manufacture care? It starts with curiosity. Ask yourself questions about her, and speculate on the answers. Where does she come from? What was it like for her growing up? How would you feel if you grew up that way? Spend time thinking about her and the things she tells you, rather than how you might convince her into your bed. When you do this, it will be reflected in your conversations with her, and she'll see something very attractive in you...somebody who cares about her.

 

[LeeAllure]

Why Drew, what a nicely worded post 😉

I know some folks who are terrific online, and far more shy in
person - but for most of them, developing a small group of
friends online who they can also meet with in person, who have
similar goals, likes, concerns, can go a long way in overcoming
their basic social ineptitude. The nice thing about these groups
is that they can include both males and females. Perhaps even
this group is something like that. At any rate, it seems an odd
pipe dream to find a woman to just stay home with 🙂

Lee

 

[FlockOfSeagulls]

I think in a roundabout way it has to do with the ''fight or flight'' principle

You can tell alot about someone by the people they socialize with. Most people tend to hang out with those who have the same interests and lifestyles as they do. If with those who you associate with tend to ''bolt'' at the first sign of trouble, then the assumption could be made that this will be the guys response as well. Most women want to know that if they are going to put there time and effort into a relationship that the man won`t flee at the first little '' hiccup'' and will stay and fight to make the relationship work. I think that is not too much to ask.

 

[MrPartickler]

CQ, your post is so full of red flags I hardly know where to begin.

First, you're asking a question that suggests you're frustrated about something that is just plain normal. Not only is a "social life" normal, but it's trivial to have; less than trivial, it's healthy and fun. In addition, women prefering guys with a social life is also something that is completely outside of your control. So the fact you haven't accepted "the way things are" says to me there's something you'd actually like to change about yourself but either don't know how to go about it or are reluctant to try for some reason.

As for the the question you're asking: why a social life? Dating itself is a social activity. Before and after you get to any cuddling, making out, tickling sessions, etc., you're going to have to do what you say you don't like--be social with her. Hang out. Converse. Have fun. Socialize. Interact. Odds are, you'll have to be her friend for 22 hours of the day and you'll only be her boyfriend for two. (That's even more true if you're attracted to women who want to be more social themselves.) I'll put it like this, you might not need a social life to get a g/f, but you're gonna need a "life"--something outside of her that makes you interesting and fun to be around; being more social just helps you "market" those qualities. Otherwise, no offense meant, but why would anyone want to be around you?

Next you say you're not picky, but you say you have a looks standard and that you have a tickling standard. You also (effectively) say you want/need someone who's a homebody, like yourself. There's nothing wrong with any of that, but it's picky. To you it isn't, of course, but to any women you pass over it is. (I always say everyone should be picky; it's normal IMO, and I never believe folks who say they aren't. When I hear someone say they're not, I usually think they're either kidding themselves or they don't really know what they want.) So if you want a 6/10 in looks and "non-picky" women want a 6/10 in social life, that's fine. Of course, You're screwed if you don't meet the bar, but at least you know and understand why.

Finally you say you're giving up trying because it's too much work. Well, I think it's obvious (again) that this is being said out of frustration. However, giving up only ensures you'll never get what you want. Almost anything worth having in this world requires a lot of work to get or keep. It also says you're not ready for a lasting relationship, because THAT will be work, my friend.

 

[Saeria]

I think taking a glimpse into someone's (not just men or women but anyone) social life does give good clues as to who they are. There are people who keep several different kinds of cliques about themselves and others who seem to gravitate towards just one type of personality. For me personally, i don't have a great number of friends fawning over me. This isn't because i'm particularly socially inadept or anything like that, i just perfer it that way. I honestly don't see very much importance in knowing about a partner's social life other than to see what problems may arise. Sometimes it's the friends that give away to vices like drugs and such.
Some people have a desire to be the center of a relationship and in turn make great strides to cut out the social life of their partner in order keep their center of the universe status. I can't even count how many times I've heard "you don't need friends, i'm all you need" He was totally obsessed with my social life, who i was calling, who i was going out with, how long i would be out, what i talked about when he wasn't around etc. THIS behavior is just plain creepy, in my opinion.
I can see the importance in knowing a man's social life before entering into a relationship but at the same time you just have to give a person respectable space too.

 

[scorpionldr]

lol its hilarious to me that people want people that can love and be loved in return, but the moment someone comes out and admits that they want to be with someone and make that a big part of their life, I hear things like "oh, sounds like the description of a serial killer." As if we're going to crawl behind you, hiss, and go "I'M TAKING YOU DOWN UNDER, AND YOUR NEVER COMING UP!"

As for not many friends, I have to state first THAT PEOPLE SUCK!! Second, a lot of my friends are now distant, or I now have a bad history with, or they're depressed and reclusive, or some other crap, and I can't afford to cling with friends if I want to go out and do whatever.

If a person is scum, then the person dating that person should be able to tell he/she is scum

 

[Sunday_10pm]

Captain Quantam. Firstly, I like the honesty of your words. I just wanna say that I feel for you my friend. It can be hard to do what people say: "have fun!" and "stop focussing on yourself" etc... I think Drew's insight on this was really good and basically says all that needs to be said...

It seems like your situation is that you just want things to be simple. You feel needy and insecure and you want a girl who wants the same as you - all out co-dependancy. The problem is that your need for someone else to love you INSTEAD of you loving yourself is what girls instinctively know to avoid. You're gonna take love from them, and you won't give back. You might think you'd be able to but you will just be a drain on them.

And as for the social life thing, its not set in stone. If you sent an extremely nice, humourous guy to talk to women but he had to tell them all that he had no social life, I'm sure they would be curious as to why, but if they liked him they would certainly give him a chance... It's not the lack of social life its the insecurity and neediness and you're gonna have to unlearn it somehow. That feeling that you're not enough, not attractive, not loveable etc.. is probably getting more and more cemented in your head every day you carry on the way you are and that's what u need to change. Instead of spending your money buying women's bodies, spend it on improving yourself in some way like a joining a club, do t'ai chi or something - improve yourself and meet people, it'll bring you out your shell. Or see a therapist. I dunno, whatever you think will help. Love is, amongst other things, about respect and admiration, not about having someone to bear the load of your emotional baggage. Good luck to you buddy...

 

[Redmage]

Cap, a social life is important because if a man doesn't care about other people and can't interact with them capably, then why should a woman believe that he'll care about her and be able to interact with her? Not only that, but if the woman has a social life then chances are she won't want to give that up completely. Rather, she'll want to be able to share her life with her partner. That's hard to do if it turns out that the guy has no social skills and never wants to leave the house, doesn't want to meet her friends, and has no friends of his own.

Social skills are also useful for all kinds of things - like finding and keeping a job, negotiating a mortgage with a banker, or dealing with neighbors and relatives.

I hate to say this, but my read of you on this thread is that you're looking for a woman to meet your needs. That's fine as far as it goes - everyone has needs. But it sounds almost as though you're looking for anyone who is willing to meet those needs - nothing else about her matters; she's just filling a role. But a woman - or a man, for that matter - likes to feel that she's loved because of something that is uniquely hers, that she fills a place in her partner's life that no one else could fill. Plus of course she has needs too, and wants to find a partner who can give as much as he demands.

There's a lot of fear and insecurity in your posts, Cap. If you can, try relaxing a bit and learning to enjoy the process. Get out and just watch people. Practice guessing what they might be doing, or what they might do next. Go places that you enjoy and strike up conversations with the people you find there - both male and female. If they're there, then chances are they enjoy them too. As for meeting the right lady, let whatever happens, happen. It's like chasing butterflies - you don't catch one until you learn to hold still and just enjoy them for what they are.

 

[kis123]

lol its hilarious to me that people want people that can love and be loved in return, but the moment someone comes out and admits that they want to be with someone and make that a big part of their life, I hear things like "oh, sounds like the description of a serial killer." As if we're going to crawl behind you, hiss, and go "I'M TAKING YOU DOWN UNDER, AND YOUR NEVER COMING UP!"

As for not many friends, I have to state first THAT PEOPLE SUCK!! Second, a lot of my friends are now distant, or I now have a bad history with, or they're depressed and reclusive, or some other crap, and I can't afford to cling with friends if I want to go out and do whatever.

If a person is scum, then the person dating that person should be able to tell he/she is scum

That's not what he admitted. He admitted that he was insecure, had no social life, basically wants his woman to just stay home and cater to him. He also knows what he wants in (and out of) a woman, but has no real idea how to relate to her and no real desire to make her happy. If you can't relate to people and social situations, how are you going to relate in the dating realm?

In response to your last statement, many times people are very good at hiding themselves until the "I do's" are said-then their real personality comes out. That's what exactly happened in my marriage. He was sweet, loving, giving and kind until the marriage started. He turned into a controlling, domineering, manipulative individual who made my life miserable until I walked out! Seven years later he still tries to control and manipulate me through our daughter. Believe me, if I would've seen any of this coming in advance, I wouldn't have lost 18 years of my life!!

 

[scorpionldr]

Captain Quantam. Firstly, I like the honesty of your words. I just wanna say that I feel for you my friend. It can be hard to do what people say: "have fun!" and "stop focussing on yourself" etc... I think Drew's insight on this was really good and basically says all that needs to be said...

It seems like your situation is that you just want things to be simple. You feel needy and insecure and you want a girl who wants the same as you - all out co-dependancy. The problem is that your need for someone else to love you INSTEAD of you loving yourself is what girls instinctively know to avoid. You're gonna take love from them, and you won't give back. You might think you'd be able to but you will just be a drain on them.

And as for the social life thing, its not set in stone. If you sent an extremely nice, humourous guy to talk to women but he had to tell them all that he had no social life, I'm sure they would be curious as to why, but if they liked him they would certainly give him a chance... It's not the lack of social life its the insecurity and neediness and you're gonna have to unlearn it somehow. That feeling that you're not enough, not attractive, not loveable etc.. is probably getting more and more cemented in your head every day you carry on the way you are and that's what u need to change. Instead of spending your money buying women's bodies, spend it on improving yourself in some way like a joining a club, do t'ai chi or something - improve yourself and meet people, it'll bring you out your shell. Or see a therapist. I dunno, whatever you think will help. Love is, amongst other things, about respect and admiration, not about having someone to bear the load of your emotional baggage. Good luck to you buddy...

It's amazing that I hear "be yourself" and "love yourself" and all this crap, and I have NO CLUE who the hell I am. I'm just a regular white-boy in the middle of my ghettofied college community for the most part, and I have some sort of clue what I'm doing with my life. Aside from that, I can't really say anything other than that I like strange dry humor and I have no real attainable goals.
"The problem is that your need for someone else to love you INSTEAD of you loving yourself is what girls instinctively know to avoid." And if you generally felt lost in the mix of things, wouldn't you want the same? To ditch the stupid friendships that are really just acquaintences and skip ahead to finding a companion? It's difficult to place confidence or self-love on yourself when you don't have others that appear to.

Call me negative, but I think that's the root of problems for guys like him and I