Neutron
Guest
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2001
- Messages
- 3,862
- Points
- 0
Dear Sir:
> >
> > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
> > endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
> > nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
> > arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
> > course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
> > arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
> > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
> > and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the
> > inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
> > manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
> > financial ways.
> >
> > You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
> > relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
> > restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model theprocedures,
> > attitudes and conduct of your
> > very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be
> > excited and proud I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to
> > your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
> > confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless
> > entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose
> > only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
> > repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
> > will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
> > confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
> > You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
> > other person to open such an
> > envelope.
> >
> > Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> > about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
> > or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
> > the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
> > assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> >
> > In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> > button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
> > bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > flattery.
> >
> > Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
> > new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> > My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> > have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
> > automated voice service.
> >
> > Press buttons as follows:
> >
> > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> >
> > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> > computer is required. Password will be communicated
> > at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
> > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 - 7.
> > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
> > lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> >
> > This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie":
> > "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the
> > vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for ".
> >
> > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank ha
> > often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
> > cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
> > your kindness by passing some costs back.
> >
> > First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
> > will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized
> > Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
> > Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
> > penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New
> > phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to
> > keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again,
> > following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
> > the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if
> > ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> >
> > Your Humble Client,
> >
> > (Name Withheld)
Tron
> >
> > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
> > endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
> > nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
> > arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
> > course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
> > arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
> > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
> > and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the
> > inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
> > manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
> > financial ways.
> >
> > You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
> > relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
> > restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model theprocedures,
> > attitudes and conduct of your
> > very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be
> > excited and proud I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to
> > your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
> > confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless
> > entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose
> > only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
> > repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
> > will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
> > confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
> > You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
> > other person to open such an
> > envelope.
> >
> > Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> > about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
> > or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
> > the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
> > assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> >
> > In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> > button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
> > bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > flattery.
> >
> > Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
> > new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> > My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> > have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
> > automated voice service.
> >
> > Press buttons as follows:
> >
> > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> >
> > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> > computer is required. Password will be communicated
> > at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
> > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 - 7.
> > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
> > lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> >
> > This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie":
> > "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the
> > vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for ".
> >
> > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank ha
> > often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
> > cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
> > your kindness by passing some costs back.
> >
> > First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
> > will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized
> > Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
> > Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
> > penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New
> > phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to
> > keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again,
> > following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
> > the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if
> > ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> >
> > Your Humble Client,
> >
> > (Name Withheld)
Tron
