Mastertank1
2nd Level Yellow Feather
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2006
- Messages
- 3,375
- Points
- 0
Q: How many Aradianic Faerie Witches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: At least two, but they've got to be really small to fit in that light bulb!
Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!
Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Candlelight was good enough for our ancestors; it's good enough for us!
Q: How many family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ask your OWN grandmother!
Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (If they actually ask 'how many?’ drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
Q: How long does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb? A: Already changed.
Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete 'Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course' with real knowledge that you can apply to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Washington who..."
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want it changed into.
Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
(Typical male attitude: MT1)
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our crystals and they glow.
Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but a hell of a lot of bulbs.
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1/2, otherwise they argue.
HIGH EPISCOPAGAN
Their rituals have a script, choreographer, stage manager, orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They memorize pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows five + volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana." Don't ask re 18th cent. seed pearl trim on ritual hat unless got an hour to spare.
I AM NOT SPOCK (AT THE MOMENT)
Knows 3+ filks about Cthulhu and 40+ Star Trek jokes. Has found a way to create simple furniture from science fiction paperbacks. Can name 90 different kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
NORSE CODE
Heroic and Vikingly, these Pagans get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
You Might be Pagan If . . .
1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.
2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying.
3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it.
5. You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.
6. You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.
7. You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.
8. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.
9. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice...altar...you have there."
10. On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.
11. You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.
12. You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.
13. You commit blasphemy in the plural.
14. Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN."
15. When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.
16. Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.
17. You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such.
18. In Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
19. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.
20. You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.
21. You talk to trees. They talk back.
22. You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.
23. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.
24. You've seen "The Craft." You know where they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft." You know it's a load of crap.
25. You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.
26. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."
27. Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."
28. You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add.
You might be a TechnoPagan if:
-You call your corners on a cellular phone.
-You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
-You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
-You use a remote control in place of an athame.
-You download your book of shadows.
-You cast your circle in a chat room.
-Your familiar is a mouse.
-You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
-Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
-Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
-Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
-Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
-Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
-If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
-Your athame has a SCSI interface.
-Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
-Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
-You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
-Your altar has a keyboard.
-Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
-You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
-You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
-You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
-You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
-You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
-You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
-You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
-Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
-Your candles have batteries.
-Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
-Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
-Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
-Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
-Your incense is by Glade.
-Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
-Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
-Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
-Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
-Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
-Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
-You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
-You do cord magick with ethernet.
-You ritually down your server for Samhain.
-When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
-Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
-Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
-Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
-Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
-Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
-You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
-Your tarot cards multi-task.
-Your daemons collect news for you.
-Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
-You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
-You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
-Your favorite deity has a homepage.
-The address of your covenstead begins with http://
-Your circle is a token ring.
You might be a redneck pagan if....
Does your Ceremonial Garb consist of cuttoffs and a tube top?
Do you think "Family Tradition" is a dating club?
Have you reached 3rd degree, but not 3rd grade?
Are your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess "Cooter" and "SweetCheeks"?
Does your ceremonial Chalice say "Budweiser" on it? (2 pts if it says"Pabst")
Do you consider chewing tobacco a sacred herb?
Does your circle dance include the words "dosey-do"?
Is your altar pentacle a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
Did your coven choose its High Priest at a belching contest?
Did your coven choose its High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest?
Does your annointing oil smell like "Old Spice"?
Have you ever refilled your chalice from a Tapper?
Does your outdoor circle have dead washing machines for quarter altars?
Do you do your cakes and ale with a can of PBR and Little Debbies?
Does your Pantheon include Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels?
Do you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture?
Do you believe that the Pentagram is a Western Union sent to 5 people?
Does your altar cloth say "Dew Drop Inn" or "Motel 6"?
Does your Goddess picture say "Miss September" at the bottom?
Does your God statue look like Elvis Presley?
Have you ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu?
Have you ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch WWF on TV?
Have you EVER cast a love spell on livestock?
If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch me!"
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod
If your Bard plays the banjo
If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Dolly Parton
If your Spirit Guide is a pit bull
If your broom has four-wheel drive and KY plates
If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks
If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second AND third cousin
If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo
If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in a backyard still
If you sarcifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old oil drums
If you have a combined Maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire
If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken"
If your high priestess' hair gets caught in the ceiling fan
If your most sacred altar items include, a'49 Ford hubcap a velvet painting of The Goddess in front of a Palm Tree and a half-empty can of chaw
If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack
If your craft name starts with Bubba
If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weedwacker
If you've ever cooked road-kill stew in your cauldron
If your cauldron looks a lot like a spitoon
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly and haven't finished the Grape Jelly yet
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team
If your neighbor thinks "the Great Rite" has something to do with Jerry Falwell
If you've ever meditated to Hank Williams
If you leave beef jerky out for Samhain
If your circle dance is a two step
If your familiar can point quail
If your familiar keeps mice out of the barn
If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture
If your altar has a spit cup
If any part of your invokation of the South Quarter includes any line from any song by Lynard Skynard
If your athame is by Bowie
If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance
Or you found out your familiar is an possum - and still ate it
""If you cut your circle with a chain saw."
"Your idea of a bnp (big nose pagan) lives in a double wide with a Mercedes up on blocks"
"Your God and Goddess photos are Dale Earnhardt and Dolly Parton."
"Your altar is a truck tailgate."
"Moonshine is the basis for all your herbal tinctures."
"Instead of passing the sacred sword, you pass the sacred axe handle."
"When you dismiss the quarters, you say "Y'all come back now, hear?"
If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door...
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg...
If you think a goblet is a young turkey...
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse...
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"...
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13...
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene...
If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"...
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl...
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team...
If your "Long Lost Friend" really IS...
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars...
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head...
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"...
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back...
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun...
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots...
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff...
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21...
If instructions to get to your Covenstead include "After you turn off the paved road"...
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle...
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still...
If you use an engine block for an altar...
If your High Priestess is your cousin -- as well as your wife...
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"...
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack...
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)...
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar...
You might be a Redneck Pagan!
What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? - Self-Cleaning Coven
The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."
Please don't squeeze the shaman!
When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
Yes, I am evil;
but you love me for it, don't you? 
A: At least two, but they've got to be really small to fit in that light bulb!
Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!
Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Candlelight was good enough for our ancestors; it's good enough for us!
Q: How many family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ask your OWN grandmother!
Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (If they actually ask 'how many?’ drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
Q: How long does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb? A: Already changed.
Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete 'Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course' with real knowledge that you can apply to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Washington who..."
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want it changed into.
Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
(Typical male attitude: MT1)
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our crystals and they glow.
Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but a hell of a lot of bulbs.
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1/2, otherwise they argue.
HIGH EPISCOPAGAN
Their rituals have a script, choreographer, stage manager, orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They memorize pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows five + volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana." Don't ask re 18th cent. seed pearl trim on ritual hat unless got an hour to spare.
I AM NOT SPOCK (AT THE MOMENT)
Knows 3+ filks about Cthulhu and 40+ Star Trek jokes. Has found a way to create simple furniture from science fiction paperbacks. Can name 90 different kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
NORSE CODE
Heroic and Vikingly, these Pagans get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
You Might be Pagan If . . .
1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.
2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying.
3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it.
5. You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.
6. You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.
7. You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.
8. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.
9. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice...altar...you have there."
10. On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.
11. You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.
12. You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.
13. You commit blasphemy in the plural.
14. Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN."
15. When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.
16. Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.
17. You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such.
18. In Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
19. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.
20. You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.
21. You talk to trees. They talk back.
22. You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.
23. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.
24. You've seen "The Craft." You know where they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft." You know it's a load of crap.
25. You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.
26. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."
27. Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."
28. You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add.
You might be a TechnoPagan if:
-You call your corners on a cellular phone.
-You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
-You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
-You use a remote control in place of an athame.
-You download your book of shadows.
-You cast your circle in a chat room.
-Your familiar is a mouse.
-You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
-Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
-Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
-Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
-Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
-Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
-If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
-Your athame has a SCSI interface.
-Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
-Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
-You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
-Your altar has a keyboard.
-Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
-You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
-You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
-You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
-You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
-You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
-You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
-You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
-Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
-Your candles have batteries.
-Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
-Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
-Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
-Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
-Your incense is by Glade.
-Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
-Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
-Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
-Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
-Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
-Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
-You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
-You do cord magick with ethernet.
-You ritually down your server for Samhain.
-When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
-Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
-Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
-Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
-Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
-Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
-You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
-Your tarot cards multi-task.
-Your daemons collect news for you.
-Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
-You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
-You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
-Your favorite deity has a homepage.
-The address of your covenstead begins with http://
-Your circle is a token ring.
You might be a redneck pagan if....
Does your Ceremonial Garb consist of cuttoffs and a tube top?
Do you think "Family Tradition" is a dating club?
Have you reached 3rd degree, but not 3rd grade?
Are your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess "Cooter" and "SweetCheeks"?
Does your ceremonial Chalice say "Budweiser" on it? (2 pts if it says"Pabst")
Do you consider chewing tobacco a sacred herb?
Does your circle dance include the words "dosey-do"?
Is your altar pentacle a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
Did your coven choose its High Priest at a belching contest?
Did your coven choose its High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest?
Does your annointing oil smell like "Old Spice"?
Have you ever refilled your chalice from a Tapper?
Does your outdoor circle have dead washing machines for quarter altars?
Do you do your cakes and ale with a can of PBR and Little Debbies?
Does your Pantheon include Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels?
Do you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture?
Do you believe that the Pentagram is a Western Union sent to 5 people?
Does your altar cloth say "Dew Drop Inn" or "Motel 6"?
Does your Goddess picture say "Miss September" at the bottom?
Does your God statue look like Elvis Presley?
Have you ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu?
Have you ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch WWF on TV?
Have you EVER cast a love spell on livestock?
If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch me!"
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod
If your Bard plays the banjo
If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Dolly Parton
If your Spirit Guide is a pit bull
If your broom has four-wheel drive and KY plates
If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks
If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second AND third cousin
If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo
If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in a backyard still
If you sarcifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old oil drums
If you have a combined Maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire
If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken"
If your high priestess' hair gets caught in the ceiling fan
If your most sacred altar items include, a'49 Ford hubcap a velvet painting of The Goddess in front of a Palm Tree and a half-empty can of chaw
If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack
If your craft name starts with Bubba
If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weedwacker
If you've ever cooked road-kill stew in your cauldron
If your cauldron looks a lot like a spitoon
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly and haven't finished the Grape Jelly yet
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team
If your neighbor thinks "the Great Rite" has something to do with Jerry Falwell
If you've ever meditated to Hank Williams
If you leave beef jerky out for Samhain
If your circle dance is a two step
If your familiar can point quail
If your familiar keeps mice out of the barn
If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture
If your altar has a spit cup
If any part of your invokation of the South Quarter includes any line from any song by Lynard Skynard
If your athame is by Bowie
If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance
Or you found out your familiar is an possum - and still ate it
""If you cut your circle with a chain saw."
"Your idea of a bnp (big nose pagan) lives in a double wide with a Mercedes up on blocks"
"Your God and Goddess photos are Dale Earnhardt and Dolly Parton."
"Your altar is a truck tailgate."
"Moonshine is the basis for all your herbal tinctures."
"Instead of passing the sacred sword, you pass the sacred axe handle."
"When you dismiss the quarters, you say "Y'all come back now, hear?"
If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door...
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg...
If you think a goblet is a young turkey...
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse...
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"...
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13...
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene...
If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"...
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl...
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team...
If your "Long Lost Friend" really IS...
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars...
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head...
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"...
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back...
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun...
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots...
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff...
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21...
If instructions to get to your Covenstead include "After you turn off the paved road"...
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle...
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still...
If you use an engine block for an altar...
If your High Priestess is your cousin -- as well as your wife...
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"...
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack...
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)...
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar...
You might be a Redneck Pagan!
What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? - Self-Cleaning Coven
The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."
Please don't squeeze the shaman!
When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
Yes, I am evil;
but you love me for it, don't you? 
