(Note to Ye Moderne Readers; all squirming, ticklish Women and carnal, lusty Men herein have seen not less than twenty Winters each plus one )
(WARNING: Ye Political Incorrectness Abounds herein)
"All Women MUST Be Disrobed and Tickled!" Thus went young Robert's First Decree as King...
Well, that one needed some clarification...this became evident as faithful old Lord Smithlybottum trussed up his aging grandmother to Ye Royal Tickling Rack one day at Court. His Majesty was not amused by the undulating mass of wrinkles writhing before Ye Royal Throne, and high policy discussions quickly ensued.....
"All YOUNG Women MUST Be Disrobed And Tickled!" (For His Highness favoreth not ye wrinkled olde crones save in ye unending parodies of Heimlich, the Court Jester)
Very good, very good Your Majesty. And fine, melodic, feminine laughter did ring forth daily throughout the land as Our Lord intended....
Until one day was bound in Ye Royal Pillory of Tickling, one Lady Eliza the Portly, Baronness of Profound Corpulence...(err excuse me, under Ye Moderne Political Correctness she is now deemed Lady Eliza of Ye Splendid Personality)
Or She Whom Ye Pillory couldst Barely Contain.... For yea though His Majesty smileth upon Mirth of a certain Girth, he has his limits- and thus did His Majesty modify his proclamation yet again.
Thus King Robert's Third and Final Decree did ring forth throughout the Land; "All Young ATTRACTIVE Women Must Be Mostly Disrobed And Tickled-See Fine Print For Details!"
(It is a sacred Law that a King may only decree a thing Thrice; after the Third Wording the law stands as-is until the next King, and it is written that "His Majesty is S*** Outta Luck!")
And thus began the real Troubles of this fair land....
It was Heaven on Earth at first; lovely young goddesses bound in the streets, tickled on every Pillory and in every Tramp's Chair; Draggeg kicking and screaming by husbands, lovers, and random dudes with wagons to be tied to newly raised "Tickling Erections" (Yes, that's the official term for new "...devices of restraint for purposes of inducing laughter"- most believe this mischevous term to be Lord Waverly's doing) all over towns and hamlets, tickled till their lovely bosoms heaved and golden hair lay all-a-tassle, tickled till they wept and sobbed and giggled with near madness....till dogs and wolves howled in answer to the sweet-voiced cacaphony of the mass Chorus of laughing women .....
But Females, as we all know, though they be verily most Wondrous of all creatures, are yet the most jealous beings in creation. Very soon she who was NOT stripped and bound and paraded near-naked before throngs of leering men would feel unworthy or "left out"; she who was NOT fondled by a hundred rough farmhands would feel homely and unwanted. It soon became an insult to NOT tickle a woman all through tea-time. Women throughout the land would parade about the town day and night in scandalous new lingere from France and walk with the "wiggling gait" to ever entice mens' fingernails towards their soft flesh.
Where at first a Lady would appear red-faced and shamed as she was bound to the Tickle Rack, now she would appear crestfallen whenever publicly unbound, her skin unmolested by hairbrush or feather
Their feminine competition knew no bounds; Lady Cattrain, ever jealous of the Countess of Hirth, had erected a golden Pillory (exactly one foot higher than the Countesse's Pillory) for herself and her handmaids to be bound, hand and foot. All her staff of servants would be commanded to tickle her into the evening, long after she had passed out. Throngs of the Lusting (as village men soon became known) after they had sated their normal desires would be forced at Pike-point to remain and torment the Lady's handmaids into the night, till their fingers were sore and they wearied of even the female figure.
Soon "Lers", Men (and women) who before had been outcast as Tickle Fetishists, became highly prized throughout the Land for their unceasing Lust to cause laughter. I was one of these luckiest ones; I feasted like Bacchus, as young women were brought before my seat and clapped in irons to wriggle and squeal till my heart's content; as each young Lady or Countess grew tired a new one would willingly leap to take her place at my merciless fingertips. I had an Instrument constructed; five young women would be bound somewhat uncomfortably, their soles helpless before me all in a row; three fair girls beneath and two dark complexioned lovelies above, a fleshy parody of the Harpsichord keys (or the new Hammerklavier) I would "play" sweet endless sonatas upon the soft wriggling "keys" to the delight of my fellow revelers.
I could tell a thousand tales of Lers who took bogus titles to themselves, like Ezma the "Lady Of Feathers" (perhaps the most savage and insatiable "Ler" of all) a woman who desires other women, she would barely clothe her body in leather riding-thongs and torment young Ladies all day in her stables...Or of Simon the Alchemist, devising diabolical mechanical contraptions to elicit screams of deepest laughter as thought the young woman's very soul poured forth from her slender frame with each howl.....
It really became quite the contest among the Ladies of Court, to see who would be chosen first to be tickled the most, or the longest, or by the most men and/or women...
Wealthy hags would pay their retainers to bind them in the highest pillories; till ultimately the hideous Lady Museda of Grogon hired a retinue of blind beggars to torment her scaly skin before the masses; a riot thus ensued, till the whole Hamlet of Giss was enveloped in flames!
Worse still, actual battles ensued! Villages waging the strangest War the Land has ever seen; Ladies leading feathered Pike-men into battle upon horseback, or riding upon the bare backs of their husbands while servants ministered to their Mistress's sensitive feet...Towns were burnt, crops trampled, and birds denuded of all their feathers!
What could Young King Robert do? His proclamation, being the Third and Final wording, was LAW now. It could not be countermanded till there was a new King on the throne. Hmmmm.....
I shall consult Ye Wise Scribe, he who scribbles yon notes upon tender soles of pampered feet (nowadays ladies' feet be cheaper than sheepskin paper to scribble upon) He shall know what to do to remedy yon ticklish conundrum....
(WARNING: Ye Political Incorrectness Abounds herein)
"All Women MUST Be Disrobed and Tickled!" Thus went young Robert's First Decree as King...
Well, that one needed some clarification...this became evident as faithful old Lord Smithlybottum trussed up his aging grandmother to Ye Royal Tickling Rack one day at Court. His Majesty was not amused by the undulating mass of wrinkles writhing before Ye Royal Throne, and high policy discussions quickly ensued.....
"All YOUNG Women MUST Be Disrobed And Tickled!" (For His Highness favoreth not ye wrinkled olde crones save in ye unending parodies of Heimlich, the Court Jester)
Very good, very good Your Majesty. And fine, melodic, feminine laughter did ring forth daily throughout the land as Our Lord intended....
Until one day was bound in Ye Royal Pillory of Tickling, one Lady Eliza the Portly, Baronness of Profound Corpulence...(err excuse me, under Ye Moderne Political Correctness she is now deemed Lady Eliza of Ye Splendid Personality)
Or She Whom Ye Pillory couldst Barely Contain.... For yea though His Majesty smileth upon Mirth of a certain Girth, he has his limits- and thus did His Majesty modify his proclamation yet again.
Thus King Robert's Third and Final Decree did ring forth throughout the Land; "All Young ATTRACTIVE Women Must Be Mostly Disrobed And Tickled-See Fine Print For Details!"
(It is a sacred Law that a King may only decree a thing Thrice; after the Third Wording the law stands as-is until the next King, and it is written that "His Majesty is S*** Outta Luck!")
And thus began the real Troubles of this fair land....
It was Heaven on Earth at first; lovely young goddesses bound in the streets, tickled on every Pillory and in every Tramp's Chair; Draggeg kicking and screaming by husbands, lovers, and random dudes with wagons to be tied to newly raised "Tickling Erections" (Yes, that's the official term for new "...devices of restraint for purposes of inducing laughter"- most believe this mischevous term to be Lord Waverly's doing) all over towns and hamlets, tickled till their lovely bosoms heaved and golden hair lay all-a-tassle, tickled till they wept and sobbed and giggled with near madness....till dogs and wolves howled in answer to the sweet-voiced cacaphony of the mass Chorus of laughing women .....
But Females, as we all know, though they be verily most Wondrous of all creatures, are yet the most jealous beings in creation. Very soon she who was NOT stripped and bound and paraded near-naked before throngs of leering men would feel unworthy or "left out"; she who was NOT fondled by a hundred rough farmhands would feel homely and unwanted. It soon became an insult to NOT tickle a woman all through tea-time. Women throughout the land would parade about the town day and night in scandalous new lingere from France and walk with the "wiggling gait" to ever entice mens' fingernails towards their soft flesh.
Where at first a Lady would appear red-faced and shamed as she was bound to the Tickle Rack, now she would appear crestfallen whenever publicly unbound, her skin unmolested by hairbrush or feather
Their feminine competition knew no bounds; Lady Cattrain, ever jealous of the Countess of Hirth, had erected a golden Pillory (exactly one foot higher than the Countesse's Pillory) for herself and her handmaids to be bound, hand and foot. All her staff of servants would be commanded to tickle her into the evening, long after she had passed out. Throngs of the Lusting (as village men soon became known) after they had sated their normal desires would be forced at Pike-point to remain and torment the Lady's handmaids into the night, till their fingers were sore and they wearied of even the female figure.
Soon "Lers", Men (and women) who before had been outcast as Tickle Fetishists, became highly prized throughout the Land for their unceasing Lust to cause laughter. I was one of these luckiest ones; I feasted like Bacchus, as young women were brought before my seat and clapped in irons to wriggle and squeal till my heart's content; as each young Lady or Countess grew tired a new one would willingly leap to take her place at my merciless fingertips. I had an Instrument constructed; five young women would be bound somewhat uncomfortably, their soles helpless before me all in a row; three fair girls beneath and two dark complexioned lovelies above, a fleshy parody of the Harpsichord keys (or the new Hammerklavier) I would "play" sweet endless sonatas upon the soft wriggling "keys" to the delight of my fellow revelers.
I could tell a thousand tales of Lers who took bogus titles to themselves, like Ezma the "Lady Of Feathers" (perhaps the most savage and insatiable "Ler" of all) a woman who desires other women, she would barely clothe her body in leather riding-thongs and torment young Ladies all day in her stables...Or of Simon the Alchemist, devising diabolical mechanical contraptions to elicit screams of deepest laughter as thought the young woman's very soul poured forth from her slender frame with each howl.....
It really became quite the contest among the Ladies of Court, to see who would be chosen first to be tickled the most, or the longest, or by the most men and/or women...
Wealthy hags would pay their retainers to bind them in the highest pillories; till ultimately the hideous Lady Museda of Grogon hired a retinue of blind beggars to torment her scaly skin before the masses; a riot thus ensued, till the whole Hamlet of Giss was enveloped in flames!
Worse still, actual battles ensued! Villages waging the strangest War the Land has ever seen; Ladies leading feathered Pike-men into battle upon horseback, or riding upon the bare backs of their husbands while servants ministered to their Mistress's sensitive feet...Towns were burnt, crops trampled, and birds denuded of all their feathers!
What could Young King Robert do? His proclamation, being the Third and Final wording, was LAW now. It could not be countermanded till there was a new King on the throne. Hmmmm.....
I shall consult Ye Wise Scribe, he who scribbles yon notes upon tender soles of pampered feet (nowadays ladies' feet be cheaper than sheepskin paper to scribble upon) He shall know what to do to remedy yon ticklish conundrum....
