OK, I know you were teasing. But...
Onan (Genesis 38:1-10) was not punished for masturbating. That's the common myth, but it's a radical distortion by people who either can't handle the real reason God killed him, or who need some Biblical excuse to condemn "sins of the flesh." Here's the actual passage:
"At that time, Judah left his brothers and went down to stay with a man of Adullam named Hirah. There Judah met the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua. He married her and lay with her; she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, who was named Er. She conceived again and gave birth to a son and named him Onan. She gave birth to still another son and named him Shelah. It was at Kezib that she gave birth to him.
"Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death.
"Then Judah said to Onan, 'Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.' But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also."
See? He wasn't masturbating. He was having sex with his sister-in-law at his father's request, but withdrawing before orgasm because he didn't want to get her pregnant. God killed him for refusing that duty.
I know, none of this was what you were talking about. However it does tie back to the OP: contrary to what most people are told, there is no biblical proscription against masturbation. So there's no need to feel guilty about doing it.