Dude'sonfire
TMF Expert
- Joined
- May 9, 2004
- Messages
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Greetings. It's been ages since I contributed anything, but I just wrote this today for my own amusement and figured I'd share it.
Best Ticklee Ever: an Episode in the Life of Tony and Chloe.
‘Oh my God! Tony! Wow, you look great!’
‘Hey, Chloe! Heh, thanks! You’re looking fairly foxy yourself. How’re things?’
‘Yeah, good!’
‘You end up doing Healing like you thought?’
‘Yeah *sigh* so much work. I enjoy it though.’
‘Awesome. You and John still glued to each other?’
‘Heh, yeah. What did you end up studying?’
‘Illusion.’
‘Ooh! What’s it like?’
‘Awesome! It’s all about language. Once you get your head around the logic, you can do anything.’
‘Wow... that’s almost kind of scary.’
‘Totally. Check this out: two plus two equals four yes?’
‘Yeah...’
‘So, since two plus two equals four, there’s a man behind you tickling you in the ribs.'
‘Ah! *squeal* ...Jesus! That’s terrifying!’
‘I know! *grin*. You state a logic relationship the person believes to be true, then you relate it to a therefore.’
‘That’s all! I could do that!’
‘Pffft, you wish. Nah, you need to inject the right amount of magic into the right words. And that’s one of the most basic linguistic techniques: there are a lot more. It’s all word play.’
‘Wow. Well, impressive! Good luck with it!’
‘You too! Hey, we should grab lunch at some point, catch up.’
‘Yeah totally! I’m on Facebook - just drop me a message!’
‘Cool, will do. Later!’
‘Later!’
*** some time later in the year ***
‘You wanna watch another episode?’
‘Can’t, John’s making me dinner tonight.’
‘Ah right.’
‘Which button is it to eject DVD’s?’
‘Just hold down the stop button.’
‘Ah right.’
‘Interesting that isn’t it?’
‘What?’
‘That button ejects DVD’s, and there are little hands in your shoes tickling your feet!’
‘Ah, hey, no! Tony! Ahhhaha, nngggg... Ah! Stop!’
‘*grin*’
‘Tony serioulsyhehehe I have to go! AH! Ok, fine! I’ll take my shoes off!’
‘Hey, no, you can’t take your shoes off: there’s no fuel for a fire to burn in a vacuum!’
‘Ah, what?! Jehehesus! This is ridiculous! I can’t... Ah!’
‘And, since water always flows downhill, your wrists are now tied to your ankles! Shame, isn’t it! And the fact that dogs have two eyes means that that man is back tickling your ribs – with gusto!’
‘Ahhh! ... ... ... STOP IT! Stop talking!’
‘It can’t stop, anything multiplied by zero is zero! In fact, since people only ever get older, it generally gets worse over time!’
‘Ah, God! I... Ok, ok, ok, you wanna play? How about nnnggg... oh God, help me!’
‘Come on, what’s the matter, can’t think of anything?’
‘I hate you!’
‘Come on, give me something. It’s easy! I’ll stop if you can think of something.’
‘I... ... ..... Ahhhhh!’
‘Oh, that’s a shame. In fact, since you can’t think of anything, that means that another extremely skilled tickler is attacking your hips! Which, since you’re wearing a red top, are far more ticklish than normal!’
‘Stahahap, Jesus! THEY WERE TICKLISH ENOUGH ALREADY!’
‘Tickle tickle tickle! Does it tickle? What’s that? It does? Oh wait... does it tickle even more? Wow! Fancy that.’
‘I HATE YOU! I hate you I hate you I hate you Ahhhh I’M GOING TO DIE! SERIOUSLY!’
‘Well, yes, eventually, and because of that...’
‘No, pleahehese, Tony, seriously, come on, I need to go!’
‘...the hands all stop tickling you, and you’re free’
‘*sit’s back; long exhale*’
‘Except on your feet.’
‘WHAT!?’
‘But, as metal and organic elements are separate, it’s a long fingernailed hand, stroking gently, up and down and all around, almost bearably, almost...’
‘*sharp inhale* ... ... ... no, stop, hehehe, heeheehee...’
‘Nice, isn’t it?’
‘It’s excruciating!’
‘In a good way though. Like sour candy. And, a clear sky is blue, yes? So a tiny bit more pressure against the ball of your foot is clearly necessary.’
‘Oh God, nngggaaaahhhh... ... ... hahaha shit...’
‘And, since you want there to be: even more, and applied faster, and more, and faster.’
‘AHHHH! You bastard! You bastard! It’s a lie, this is horrible, it’s unbearable, why would I want it to get worse, liar! You can’t prove it! There are no witnesses! I call slander! Slahahander on yeee! Help me! Someone help me! Sommmbody hehehelp ME! ... ... ...’
‘And more, and a bit faster!’
‘NOHOHO!’
‘Wow, it didn’t take you long to start crying this time did it?’
‘AH GOD, STOP!’
‘Coochie coo! Wow, what soft, ticklish skin you have! I bet it tickles like hell! I bet you can’t STAND it!’
‘... *throaty noise*...’
‘Did I mention one of the other new techniques I learned? Well, essentially, through communicative ennui and intricate verbosity the ‘other’ can be inaugurated into a complex series of sensory envelopments suited to one’s previous and ongoing intention and design! The greater the foundational absurdity and intimidating nature of the structural framework, the proportionally greater the effect, and, generally, the more satisfying the victorious consummation for the caster, which, ineluctably, will lead him to intensify and prolong his attempts to have such a causal relationship with the senses of his subject!’
‘... ...AHHHH! JESUS! What the FUCK are you talking about! Oh, shit! Oh, Gaaahh!’
‘And another good one is bringing obvious stuff to the subject’s attention. Like, have you noticed how you don’t get less ticklish over time, but it actually gets worse?’
‘NO! Really? I honestly didn’t notice! That COMPLETELY slipped by me! AH, I HATE YOU!’
‘Listen, you want it to stop?’
‘YES!’
‘Then listen carefully. You listening?’
‘Just, mmphfucking, go already!’
‘Since this is so excruciating... ...’
‘...WELL?! KEEP GOING!’
‘You want me to keep going?’
‘YES!’
‘Faster?’
‘YEHEHEHESSSS!’
‘Alright then, I will!’
‘What?! NO! JUDAS!’
‘And, since you want me to keep going so badly, and since the square root of sixteen is four, obviously this implies that there are two more long fingernailed hands working slowly up from your feet to the backs of your knees!’
‘NO! God, you sadistic fucker, you always enjoy this too much!’
‘Slowly...’
‘... ...’
‘Slowly...’
‘nnnggggjjjjjeeeee....’
‘And they’re there!’
‘Ahhhh! Ahhhh! FUCK! God, oh God oh God, oh, ahhh shit!’
‘Wow Chloe, you’ve developed a bit of cursing tongue. I might have to punish you for that.’
‘Oh, and Lemme guess, with TICKLING?!’
‘Exactly!’
‘FUCK YOU!’
‘Hehehe. You know how you like snakes? Well, you know what that means! It means your fingers can’t grip the sofa anymore!’
‘Tch, nggg, WHY?!’
‘In fact, they can’t grip anything! And by logical extension, neither can your toes curl! Which is a shame, because as a result of the general election held last month on the fourteenth, the newly elected representative decided to put in the hand of those long fingernailed hands at your feet a lubricated and very slippery pasta spoon!’
‘Nooo... ... ... *laboured breath* ... ... ...’
‘God, it just keeps going doesn’t it? And I tell you Chloe, these hands, they have issues. They had a rough upbringing. They want revenge on the world. But there’s only one thing they know how to do, and that’s -’
‘TICKLE?!’
‘Correct! But boy can they tickle! I see you’ve noticed. They know all the soft bits, they know ever nerve cluster, they know all the dances and tricks... and God, those pasta spoons are horrible aren’t they? Just so much sensation! Wave after wave, pulse after pulse! And if only they weren’t just disembodied hands, then you could curl up, try to get away! But you can’t, can you?’
‘DUH! ... ... *almost silently* I hate you... so much... ‘
‘Well, you’re going to even more, because your hands are now tied behind your head!’
‘What?! Ah! Hey, no, that’s not fair! There was no causal relationship!’
‘Oh, don’t worry, you’ve got to the state now where you’ll just believe anything I say.’
‘What?! NO! Lies! Lihahahies!’
‘Which is a shame, because those fingernails would like to play with your stomach and the front of your hips, and the man who plays your rib nerves like a xylophone is back... with a pianist friend!’
‘AHHHH!! NO! No! Honourable sir, please, please stop, stop, stop, please, please please plehehehease, please, stop, be nice, be kind, mercyhehe, MERCY! PLEASE! ARTHUR, SIRE, KING OF THE BRITONS, SHOW MERCY! GOHOD IT’S UNBEARABLE, MERCY! Mehehercy! I hate you, you bastard! I knew you when you were ugly! I knew you when you used to have spots! Ahhh, I’ll tell everyone! I’ll steal your toothbrush! I’ll sneheheeze on your essays! I’ll change the wording of your paper topics! I’ll... tell people about your Harry Potter fan fiction! Ahahaha God!’
‘Hahaha, well, go ahead... won’t stop the tickling!’
‘AHHH!!’
‘Ever!’
‘AHHHHAHAHA, WHY?!’
‘Tickle!’
‘AHHH!’
‘Tickle!’
‘SHUT THE HELL UP!’
‘Hehe. Ok, I tell you what. It’s now only the man tickling your ribs.’
‘Oh well aren’t you the benevolent bloody saint of good tidings ahahand meheherciful... declarations... Ahhh! How can something that doesn’t exist be so damn good at this! It’s irrational! Irrationahahahal! Ahh!’
‘Long fingers doesn’t he?’
‘They go straight for the bad spots EVERY TIME! AHHH! HE MOVED AGAIN!’
‘...And again?’
‘...*nods*... ... ... jjjjjeeee... HOW... CAN HE... Beeeee... SO... GOOD AHAT THIS!’
‘Wow, you really have ticklish ribs don’t you? Although I think they’re definitely getting more ticklish... yeah, definitely getting more ticklish... like those electric chair games at arcades where you hold the metal bars: gets harder and harder to hold on! Buzzes worse and worse! Buzz! Buzz!’
‘AHH! AHH! AHH! How... is... this... possible! MAHAHAKE HIM STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF...’
‘Yes?’
‘...*gasp... choke*...’
‘For the love of?’
‘...NOT TICKLING!’
‘Hehe. ...Ok, alright, ok, ok, ok, I’ll let you go, its stopped.’
‘*Slumps on sofa, panting*’
‘Ahh... You know, you are actually the best ticklee in the world.’
‘Oh, wow, great, such hopes spring forth from this knowledge, such comfort.’
‘Hehe. Come here.’
‘*sigh* So... tired...’
‘Well, better run along to John I suppose.’
‘Yeah... I’ll probably fall asleep at the table.’
‘Heh. Well, thanks for the company.’
‘Yes, I am SO glad I amuse you so.’
‘Hehe. See you later.’
‘Yeah. *climbs unsteadily to feet* Whoa. It’s ok, I’m fine, nothing happened. Hehe. See you later. Byebye! *smile*.’
END
Best Ticklee Ever: an Episode in the Life of Tony and Chloe.
‘Oh my God! Tony! Wow, you look great!’
‘Hey, Chloe! Heh, thanks! You’re looking fairly foxy yourself. How’re things?’
‘Yeah, good!’
‘You end up doing Healing like you thought?’
‘Yeah *sigh* so much work. I enjoy it though.’
‘Awesome. You and John still glued to each other?’
‘Heh, yeah. What did you end up studying?’
‘Illusion.’
‘Ooh! What’s it like?’
‘Awesome! It’s all about language. Once you get your head around the logic, you can do anything.’
‘Wow... that’s almost kind of scary.’
‘Totally. Check this out: two plus two equals four yes?’
‘Yeah...’
‘So, since two plus two equals four, there’s a man behind you tickling you in the ribs.'
‘Ah! *squeal* ...Jesus! That’s terrifying!’
‘I know! *grin*. You state a logic relationship the person believes to be true, then you relate it to a therefore.’
‘That’s all! I could do that!’
‘Pffft, you wish. Nah, you need to inject the right amount of magic into the right words. And that’s one of the most basic linguistic techniques: there are a lot more. It’s all word play.’
‘Wow. Well, impressive! Good luck with it!’
‘You too! Hey, we should grab lunch at some point, catch up.’
‘Yeah totally! I’m on Facebook - just drop me a message!’
‘Cool, will do. Later!’
‘Later!’
*** some time later in the year ***
‘You wanna watch another episode?’
‘Can’t, John’s making me dinner tonight.’
‘Ah right.’
‘Which button is it to eject DVD’s?’
‘Just hold down the stop button.’
‘Ah right.’
‘Interesting that isn’t it?’
‘What?’
‘That button ejects DVD’s, and there are little hands in your shoes tickling your feet!’
‘Ah, hey, no! Tony! Ahhhaha, nngggg... Ah! Stop!’
‘*grin*’
‘Tony serioulsyhehehe I have to go! AH! Ok, fine! I’ll take my shoes off!’
‘Hey, no, you can’t take your shoes off: there’s no fuel for a fire to burn in a vacuum!’
‘Ah, what?! Jehehesus! This is ridiculous! I can’t... Ah!’
‘And, since water always flows downhill, your wrists are now tied to your ankles! Shame, isn’t it! And the fact that dogs have two eyes means that that man is back tickling your ribs – with gusto!’
‘Ahhh! ... ... ... STOP IT! Stop talking!’
‘It can’t stop, anything multiplied by zero is zero! In fact, since people only ever get older, it generally gets worse over time!’
‘Ah, God! I... Ok, ok, ok, you wanna play? How about nnnggg... oh God, help me!’
‘Come on, what’s the matter, can’t think of anything?’
‘I hate you!’
‘Come on, give me something. It’s easy! I’ll stop if you can think of something.’
‘I... ... ..... Ahhhhh!’
‘Oh, that’s a shame. In fact, since you can’t think of anything, that means that another extremely skilled tickler is attacking your hips! Which, since you’re wearing a red top, are far more ticklish than normal!’
‘Stahahap, Jesus! THEY WERE TICKLISH ENOUGH ALREADY!’
‘Tickle tickle tickle! Does it tickle? What’s that? It does? Oh wait... does it tickle even more? Wow! Fancy that.’
‘I HATE YOU! I hate you I hate you I hate you Ahhhh I’M GOING TO DIE! SERIOUSLY!’
‘Well, yes, eventually, and because of that...’
‘No, pleahehese, Tony, seriously, come on, I need to go!’
‘...the hands all stop tickling you, and you’re free’
‘*sit’s back; long exhale*’
‘Except on your feet.’
‘WHAT!?’
‘But, as metal and organic elements are separate, it’s a long fingernailed hand, stroking gently, up and down and all around, almost bearably, almost...’
‘*sharp inhale* ... ... ... no, stop, hehehe, heeheehee...’
‘Nice, isn’t it?’
‘It’s excruciating!’
‘In a good way though. Like sour candy. And, a clear sky is blue, yes? So a tiny bit more pressure against the ball of your foot is clearly necessary.’
‘Oh God, nngggaaaahhhh... ... ... hahaha shit...’
‘And, since you want there to be: even more, and applied faster, and more, and faster.’
‘AHHHH! You bastard! You bastard! It’s a lie, this is horrible, it’s unbearable, why would I want it to get worse, liar! You can’t prove it! There are no witnesses! I call slander! Slahahander on yeee! Help me! Someone help me! Sommmbody hehehelp ME! ... ... ...’
‘And more, and a bit faster!’
‘NOHOHO!’
‘Wow, it didn’t take you long to start crying this time did it?’
‘AH GOD, STOP!’
‘Coochie coo! Wow, what soft, ticklish skin you have! I bet it tickles like hell! I bet you can’t STAND it!’
‘... *throaty noise*...’
‘Did I mention one of the other new techniques I learned? Well, essentially, through communicative ennui and intricate verbosity the ‘other’ can be inaugurated into a complex series of sensory envelopments suited to one’s previous and ongoing intention and design! The greater the foundational absurdity and intimidating nature of the structural framework, the proportionally greater the effect, and, generally, the more satisfying the victorious consummation for the caster, which, ineluctably, will lead him to intensify and prolong his attempts to have such a causal relationship with the senses of his subject!’
‘... ...AHHHH! JESUS! What the FUCK are you talking about! Oh, shit! Oh, Gaaahh!’
‘And another good one is bringing obvious stuff to the subject’s attention. Like, have you noticed how you don’t get less ticklish over time, but it actually gets worse?’
‘NO! Really? I honestly didn’t notice! That COMPLETELY slipped by me! AH, I HATE YOU!’
‘Listen, you want it to stop?’
‘YES!’
‘Then listen carefully. You listening?’
‘Just, mmphfucking, go already!’
‘Since this is so excruciating... ...’
‘...WELL?! KEEP GOING!’
‘You want me to keep going?’
‘YES!’
‘Faster?’
‘YEHEHEHESSSS!’
‘Alright then, I will!’
‘What?! NO! JUDAS!’
‘And, since you want me to keep going so badly, and since the square root of sixteen is four, obviously this implies that there are two more long fingernailed hands working slowly up from your feet to the backs of your knees!’
‘NO! God, you sadistic fucker, you always enjoy this too much!’
‘Slowly...’
‘... ...’
‘Slowly...’
‘nnnggggjjjjjeeeee....’
‘And they’re there!’
‘Ahhhh! Ahhhh! FUCK! God, oh God oh God, oh, ahhh shit!’
‘Wow Chloe, you’ve developed a bit of cursing tongue. I might have to punish you for that.’
‘Oh, and Lemme guess, with TICKLING?!’
‘Exactly!’
‘FUCK YOU!’
‘Hehehe. You know how you like snakes? Well, you know what that means! It means your fingers can’t grip the sofa anymore!’
‘Tch, nggg, WHY?!’
‘In fact, they can’t grip anything! And by logical extension, neither can your toes curl! Which is a shame, because as a result of the general election held last month on the fourteenth, the newly elected representative decided to put in the hand of those long fingernailed hands at your feet a lubricated and very slippery pasta spoon!’
‘Nooo... ... ... *laboured breath* ... ... ...’
‘God, it just keeps going doesn’t it? And I tell you Chloe, these hands, they have issues. They had a rough upbringing. They want revenge on the world. But there’s only one thing they know how to do, and that’s -’
‘TICKLE?!’
‘Correct! But boy can they tickle! I see you’ve noticed. They know all the soft bits, they know ever nerve cluster, they know all the dances and tricks... and God, those pasta spoons are horrible aren’t they? Just so much sensation! Wave after wave, pulse after pulse! And if only they weren’t just disembodied hands, then you could curl up, try to get away! But you can’t, can you?’
‘DUH! ... ... *almost silently* I hate you... so much... ‘
‘Well, you’re going to even more, because your hands are now tied behind your head!’
‘What?! Ah! Hey, no, that’s not fair! There was no causal relationship!’
‘Oh, don’t worry, you’ve got to the state now where you’ll just believe anything I say.’
‘What?! NO! Lies! Lihahahies!’
‘Which is a shame, because those fingernails would like to play with your stomach and the front of your hips, and the man who plays your rib nerves like a xylophone is back... with a pianist friend!’
‘AHHHH!! NO! No! Honourable sir, please, please stop, stop, stop, please, please please plehehehease, please, stop, be nice, be kind, mercyhehe, MERCY! PLEASE! ARTHUR, SIRE, KING OF THE BRITONS, SHOW MERCY! GOHOD IT’S UNBEARABLE, MERCY! Mehehercy! I hate you, you bastard! I knew you when you were ugly! I knew you when you used to have spots! Ahhh, I’ll tell everyone! I’ll steal your toothbrush! I’ll sneheheeze on your essays! I’ll change the wording of your paper topics! I’ll... tell people about your Harry Potter fan fiction! Ahahaha God!’
‘Hahaha, well, go ahead... won’t stop the tickling!’
‘AHHH!!’
‘Ever!’
‘AHHHHAHAHA, WHY?!’
‘Tickle!’
‘AHHH!’
‘Tickle!’
‘SHUT THE HELL UP!’
‘Hehe. Ok, I tell you what. It’s now only the man tickling your ribs.’
‘Oh well aren’t you the benevolent bloody saint of good tidings ahahand meheherciful... declarations... Ahhh! How can something that doesn’t exist be so damn good at this! It’s irrational! Irrationahahahal! Ahh!’
‘Long fingers doesn’t he?’
‘They go straight for the bad spots EVERY TIME! AHHH! HE MOVED AGAIN!’
‘...And again?’
‘...*nods*... ... ... jjjjjeeee... HOW... CAN HE... Beeeee... SO... GOOD AHAT THIS!’
‘Wow, you really have ticklish ribs don’t you? Although I think they’re definitely getting more ticklish... yeah, definitely getting more ticklish... like those electric chair games at arcades where you hold the metal bars: gets harder and harder to hold on! Buzzes worse and worse! Buzz! Buzz!’
‘AHH! AHH! AHH! How... is... this... possible! MAHAHAKE HIM STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF...’
‘Yes?’
‘...*gasp... choke*...’
‘For the love of?’
‘...NOT TICKLING!’
‘Hehe. ...Ok, alright, ok, ok, ok, I’ll let you go, its stopped.’
‘*Slumps on sofa, panting*’
‘Ahh... You know, you are actually the best ticklee in the world.’
‘Oh, wow, great, such hopes spring forth from this knowledge, such comfort.’
‘Hehe. Come here.’
‘*sigh* So... tired...’
‘Well, better run along to John I suppose.’
‘Yeah... I’ll probably fall asleep at the table.’
‘Heh. Well, thanks for the company.’
‘Yes, I am SO glad I amuse you so.’
‘Hehe. See you later.’
‘Yeah. *climbs unsteadily to feet* Whoa. It’s ok, I’m fine, nothing happened. Hehe. See you later. Byebye! *smile*.’
END
