calling on all my wise ones (not a joke)

[steph]

Hi Friends!

I always get such good advice from you all whenever I have a dilemma, this one is for a dear friend, an incredible, sensitive gentleman. To protect his identity here (he's a little private) I'll just stick to the basics. And yes, some of you know him, so here goes...

He's a supervisor. One of the little gals he hired to work for his store was 16 at the time. She's now 22, and (up until recently) was still working for him, they're like family. He loves and knows her folks, etc.

Last week he called her in on her day off and (I believe) on her way in, she was hit by a young kid, a drunk driver. Yesterday they took her off life support.

My friend is (naturally) devastated, but worse of all, he blames himself for this terrible tragedy of a life taken too soon. I've asked him to speak to a professional, talked myself hoarse trying to convince him otherwise. I'm a firm beleiver in when your number is up, it's up, that these things are in God's hands. I know he'll see this tonight. Can anyone think of any thing to ease his mind? All thoughts would be deeply appreciated...and thanks for taking your valuable time...

XOXO

 

[vampirecult]

Aww i'm def sorry for that loss steph. She'll be in my up most thoughts and prayers. and so will ALL her family and friends as well. since i'm sure theses are rough times that there all going through

 

[steph]

Thank you honey...I am sure he appreciates that so much.
You know the worst thing? His folks were thanking him the other day, telling him how much they thought of him, that he'd always be part of the family...He told me, all he could think of was "I'm such an asshole, I'M the one who killed that little girl..." 🙁
XOXO

 

[giantfan121262]

I have to chime in on this one.

First let me say how sorry I am to hear about this. First for your friend for taking it so hard and second to the girls family.

As far as blaming himself, he was not at fault in any way shape or form. This unfortunate accident could have happened at any time of the day. This could have happened in her bath tub for all you know. I know that he must be thinking to himself "If I didn't call her to come in, she would have not been in the wrong place at the wrong time". The truth is, it was the drivers fault and hopefully he will get appropriately charged.

If he wants more support, you can have him PM me. hopefully I can be a good resource to him

 

[steph]

I couldn't have said it better!
XOXO

 

[QBWeaver]

Oh Steph... I feel so bad for him! The guilt that's tearing him apart is a standard response to something like this.

If we could only know all the "what if's", and "if I had just..." it might ease the pain.

It wasn't his fault at all and hopefully someday he will come to realize that. For some reason God chose that time to make her a special Angel. We may never know exactly why but it's all in HIS plan and we don't have any choice in HIS decisions.

He wasn't driving drunk! He didn't get behind the wheel of a vehicle and kill someone. All he did was ask her to come into work that day. Whether it had been that, or some other circumstance, God would have taken her to be a special Angel on that day.

I hope he will find peace in his heart and soul to get through this. I hope he stays in touch with her family. He needs them now as much as they need him. I'm sure they don't blame him for the tragedy that took their daughter.

Please tell him if he needs to talk all he has to do is call! I'm here!

Jan

 

[steph]

I thank you for this Lady Jan! (He actually intends on attending NEST, so you may meet him soon.)

I'm so used to being the one cheering people up, I hate feeling so helpless! I can't wait for him to see these wonderful replies and those to come in the future (I know another friend has been telling him exactly what I have...) Bless you my darling!
XOXO

 

[Sultrybrunette]

My heart goes out to everyone involved. I am not a dr but maybe laying the blame on himself could possibly be his way of dealing with the loss. I sincerely hope that down the road he will understand that it was not his fault but an unfortunate circumstance. People always seem to want to find a reason for something they cant justify. I am curious as to what happened to the kid that caused the accident. That family is also having to deal with alot.

 

[gig1965]

Chance events are not his fault.
The driver is at fault.

Your friend could have just as easily saved her life years ago by calling her in on a day where a different drunk driver was about to kill her but alas she had to work so she was able to live and enjoy a few more years.

 

[steph]

Thanks friends more GREAT points!
I knew I could count on you...
XOXO

 

[kis123]

This is a sad and tragic story and my condolences to the young lady's family and to "the gentleman." I can understand where his logic comes from, but life and death defy all logic and human understanding. It is the greatest mystery of all, and if God wanted us to have the answers, He would've given them to us by now.

The guilt fills that void of mystery and provides that mysterious answer to the all-familiar question--"why??" Wallowing in guilt will not bring her back!! I'm not trying to be mean, but people are left behind trying to find answers to the un-answerable.

There is some good news behind all of this and one day he'll be able to accept:

-She no longer has to live in a sick world with sick people
-She no longer has to fear disease, tragedy, pain, or even death
-She is in a place where all worrying ends
-She doesn't have to fight for her life in her physical body or learn to walk, talk, feed herself or any of the other things people never recover from when these accidents happen. There's almost a residual effect from these accidents that people never recover from.
-It's over now and there are many cherished memories to live with and not just a shell of a person that may have needed others to care for her the rest of her life. That may have been a miserable existence for her--and it is and was about her quality of life, right?

As for the irresponsible selfish drunk that did this to her-he's going to go someplace where he has the rest of his life to think about what he did to an innocent woman on her way to work. He has to be responsible and accountable for what he did. He will never have the opportunity to EVER do that to anyone else, will he?

It's little comfort today, but with each passing day, it'll get better, he will get stronger and release the guilt that has consumed him. I hope this is of some comfort and brings some sense to an "unsensible" situation.

 

[Haltickling]

I'm not a professional therapist, but I know that mourning a loved person develops in stages.

1) denial ("That's impossible! I just talked to her a few days ago!")
2) self accusation ("Why didn't I do anything to prevent this? Should I have done or not done this or that?")
3) anger towards the deceased ("How could he/she do this to me? Why wasn't he/she more careful?")
4) acceptance, deep sadness, tears

Maybe I even missed a step. But unless a mourning person goes through all these stages, time can't start to heal the wound. Sometimes, the gap remains forever, but at least you learn to live on with this gap, however much it hurts.

I've lost many very dear loved persons in my life, and I've learned that mourning in all those stages can't be avoided, or you'll go insane. Merely repressing the sad emotions (often accompanied by compensation with loads of work or other activities) only delays the process and doesn't help at all.

As a friend, you should take special care of the mourning person, contact him frequently, and -with time- help him to accept the fact that life must go on.

I'm feeling very deeply with your friend and you.

 

[drew70]

To Steph's friend

Man, I can only imagine how you feel right now. It's natural to blame yourself, and if I were in your shoes I'd probably be blaming myself too. But natural doesn't always mean rightful. The others are right. You had no way of knowing what would happen. As a supervisor you feel responsible for what happens to your employees, so I can certainly understand that. But as much as we try to do right by the people we care about, the world is all too often a cruel vicious animal over which we can't possibly hope to control. So please believe us when we tell you, it WASN'T YOUR FAULT!

I think over time, you'll begin to realize this and ultimately put this horribly unfair incident behind you. Steph is right. There's no shame in talking to a counselor about this. I know it'll help, so give it some thought, okay? PM me if you want to talk.

 

[fitnesstickle]

Quite simply my friend. Unless you can predict the future, there is no way you can blame yourself. Things happen for the damnest reasons, some times just random bad luck. If you believe in God, you know she is in a good place now. 😎

 

[KoocheeKoo]

He told me, all he could think of was "I'm such an asshole, I'M the one who killed that little girl..." 🙁

Steph, he didn't kill that little girl....a lowlife drunk driver ended her life. It wasn't being called into work that killed her.....it was the illegal and careless act of a criminal. If the idiot hadn't chosen to drive while intoxicated....chosen to violate the law and discard all common sense, the girl would still be alive tonight.

If your friend is reading this...

Friend, please don't blame yourself. I'm have a beautiful intelligent 20 year old baby sister whom I love very much. Beth attends college and also works evenings and weekends at a local hair stylist. It's not unusual for baby sis to work after dark or be called into work unexpectedly.

God forbid something similar should ever happen to my baby sis, but if it did, there's no way I'd blame her employer....no way I'd feel they were responsible. I'd lay the blame....ALL the blame on the degenerate scum who drove the car while drunk and killed her.

It's all the fault of the guy who was driving drunk....he's the only person who is responsible for her death, and the only person who should feel guilty....not you.

I know what misplaced guilt can do to a man.....because after my mother's tragic death in 77', it haunted me for many years, and almost killed me. Please don't make the same mistake I did...

I wish you the very best, and offer my most humble condolences to the family and friends of the precious young lady....may God bless and comfort them. 🙂

Sincerely,
Perry

 

[steph]

Can I tell you all how amazing you are???

 

[featherfingers]

Steph, I can't really add anything to what these great people have already said. I just wanted to show my support. I'll say the following, though:

Do you suppose Yoko Ono hates herself for not telling John Lennon to stay home on the evening of December 8, 1980? We have no way of knowing what fate has in store for us. The best that we can do is learn that life takes unusual twists and turns as we walk along its paths. I hope your friend understands that he is not to blame for anything that happened to that girl. Thank you for sharing such a tragic event with us, Steph. Sometimes we just have to accept and learn from what life brings to us... both the good and the bad.

 

[Krokus]

I can see how he feels like he is responsible. But I think that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. That girl's fate was sealed...it was her day to die. He had nothing to do with it. The drunk killed her. I know it will be hard, but he must realize this, or healing will never take place. Some questions have no answers, and I think asking why this happened qualifies.

 

[steph]

Thanks guys...just so y'all know, he's reading as I write this. He wants to take a little time, get thru funeral, etc., before responding. Your brilliant insight and heartfelt thoughts are deeply appreciated and I adore you more than you can imagine...
XOXO

 

[tickleshotel]

Steph, I am with you on this one as I also have spoken with "this friend" and know the circumstances as you so eloquently described.. I have listened to "this friend" and what he is going through and I too have expressed deeply that he was and is not responsible for what happened to her and he should not be blaming himself,feeling guilty for calling her into work . There is also the pain that he goes through when up until recently,he would go visit her and feel like crying inside yet trying to be strong for her as he saw how things can change overnight as he truly loves her as a person as well as a co-worker yet I have told him that she is in a better place now and my advice to him was to remember her by her vibrant young enthusiastic self he knew when he hired her.
I feel helpless too trying to gain all the strength I can muster within myself to help this friend through this tragic experience,letting him know I am there as a friend whenever he needs me,just call my name and I'll be there...yet feeling in a certain way that maybe my best isn;t quite helping in the way he needs to be helped..Friend,I luv you and always will!!

 

[leafstk]

A terrible tragedy, I'm so sorry to hear of it 🙁 Nothing more needs to be added to the wonderful comments and advice already given. Hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[steph]

Thank you all so much~WOW!
Tonight is the wake. The family adores him so much, he's been asked to do the eulogy. I don't know if he agreed or not, only that he asked for time to think about it. If you beleive in prayer and have the time, I think he could use all the strength he can get right now. Love to all...
XOXO

 

[featherfingers]

Steph, if he delivers the eulogy, I'm sure the girl will be smiling down at him from Heaven... if he doesn't do it, I'm sure she'll be embracing him dearly, nevertheless.

 

[steph]

I believe so too honey, thank you.
XOXO

 

[tickleshotel]

steph from what I have heard after talking to "this friend " on his way to the wake earlier , he told me he was going to deliver the eulogy,plus being pall bearer,alot on his plate this weekend .
Please Pm me steph as this is so difficult for me too though as "this friend" stated that I didn;t nor anyone knows this girl like he does,did which is true . Though we didn;t,don;t know her, I think that we hate to see good friends hurt as he has,is right now 🙁