confused about sexuality ... please help

[tklmyfeet]

First off I'm just going to say that this post is obviously going to have sexual content, including homosexual content. If you're not comfortable reading something like that, then please move on. Otherwise, I would really appreciate any comments or advice you could give me, whether it's a reply to the thread or a pm. Also mods, if you feel this should be moved to general discussion instead or to another forum, feel free to do so.

First, I'm a 20-year-old guy going on 21 (Dec. 4 I turn). I've always known I had a foot fetish, and for the first 20 years of my life thought I was straight. I never had a real girlfriend, and got freaked out the one time I was really with a girl (I was actually sexually harassed). This summer, I practically fell in love with my best friend (a gay guy). We fooled around, slept together, and I really enjoyed it, but didn't get a real strong sexual reaction. This was the first guy I've ever had real feelings for.

While exploring my foot fetish years ago, I got into tickling as well. But I usually pass over the naked stuff, and I find I'm more attracted to feet than to the more "specific" anatomy of women or men. I'm afraid to even get involved with someone, worried that I won't be able to perform sexually when the time comes. Basically, I'm confused about what turns me on, what I want sexually, and whether I'm straight or bisexual. Not to mention the fact that my parents suspect something is up and I'll probably have to tell them soon. And not to mention the other social issues I'm going through right now.

Has anybody gone through something remotely similar, and is there any advice you can give me to figure this all out?

I'd appreciate any comments, but more than anything, thanks for reading this.

 

[Stage Whisper]

Well, I'm no expert (partially because I'm female and also because I haven't had experiences with both genders), but I'd like to put in my own two cents for all they're worth.

You said in your post that your first relationship with a girl, you wound up being sexually harassed. In that case, I can completely understand you getting turned off- briefly or otherwise- to wanting to be with girls at all. The fact that you had a gay best friend might have simply tipped the scale from "not wanting to be with girls for now/ever" to "not wanting to be with girls for now/ever, but also curious about what it's like with guys". After all.. again... you posted that you had always considered yourself straight, right?

From the little that I deduced from your post, I would guess that right now you're mostly bi-curious. It's possible that you are bi, but since your only experience with a girl wound up negative and your experience with a male was positive, it's hard to tell.

The best thing that I would suggest is stick to what you know. You like feet, right? So go for people with feet that you like (if you're not still with your best friend, that is). Don't worry about their gender for now; just aim for what you enjoy for sure. In the meantime, maybe you should talk to your best friend, and perhaps a few other really good friends, about your confusion.

I wish I could help more, but I hope that this helps, at least in some way.

 

[Coda]

Hi, tkl. Three main reactions:

1) I think it makes sense that Stage isn't surprised that you'd be turned off of women after a harassment experience. Maybe just taking enough chances to see that not all women are untrustworthy could help clear the perspective. If I've been through something that I think may be influencing my outlook, I start by imagining how I'd feel if that hadn't happened.

2) So many people hear these words tossed around and think that they <I>are</I> "gay" or "straight," and that it's a matter of "coming to discover" it. That's totally backward thinking. You can feel how you feel, and <I>then</I> choose the best word to describe it, which is the only reason these words were invented in the first place.

3) There is absolutely no difference in the capacity for men and women to interact emotionally. That men can converse and share their own fascination with their own sexuality does not imply a sexual attraction between them. (Straight men-- and women-- do it on the forum all the time, and appreciate it.)

You're surely on the right track by asking other people, and thinking about yourself. Keep both up and you'll find the right answers soon enough.

 

[WorkInProgress]

My suggestion would be, don't be in a great hurry to find what pre-existing category you fit into. It might be that you defy classifications. The key, in my opinion, is the pursuit of quality relationships with whomever you find to have them with, and when you are in a quality relationship, it's not a matter of performing, but a matter of finding the ways to physicalize your love that will be satisfying to both of you. But you will probably need to deal psychologically with the abuse incident, because that can affect your comfort with intimacy, gender aside. Good luck.

(Incidentally, I claim no expertise in any of this. It's mainly a readout of where I am in my own confused journey.)

 

[nobody271]

totally understand

Dude, I totally hear you. I was in a very similar situation as you. I was always into feet and tickling as far as I can remember and for awhile I liked guys feet just as much as girls (when i was in high school and younger). And I had my first tickle experiences with guys and so on. I didn't have my first real relationship with a girl till I was 21 and it wasn't a very good one. And then I had some more tickle experiences and guys and it wasn't till I was 22 yrs old when I got into a real good relationship with a girl who I'm still with today. My advice like the others is just to hang in there and don't worry so much whether or not you are most interested in a "male" or "female" just do whatever makes you happy. You will know what feels right once it happens. If you want to talk to me sometime just message me on AIM, it's in my profile. I would love to tell you about my experiences or give you any support that I can.
-Chris

 

[tklmyfeet]

Thank you guys so much for all of your kindness, help, support, and advice. It means the world to me, as some of this is very difficult to discuss with people close to me.

I’ve always been naturally attracted to women and still am. While a good-looking woman usually catches my attention, I was never crazy about the specific female anatomy. The one real experience with a woman I had, we made out, which was consensual and I enjoyed it, then she kind of forced her body on me, which was not so consensual. We didn’t have sex, but she made me do some things to her that grossed me out. It wasn’t like a life-scarring thing, when I look back on the experience, I know I got freaked out because she forced herself on me, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I wonder if it’s because I’m not sexually attracted to women.

With my friend, we fooled around, slept together (no sex in any way), and eventually decided that I needed him as my friend to help me through this. It wasn’t the first time I had thoughts about another guy, but definitely the first time I had felt anything superstrong like that for a guy. I was talking to him a few days ago, and he used the word bi-curious too, which is the best way to describe where I am now. I understand it’s important not to get hung up on labels, but when my friend and I were talking about possibly starting a relationship, one of his biggest concerns was my uncertainty about whether I was gay, straight, or bisexual. He said he would almost never be with a guy who wasn’t sure, and only thought about it with me because I was a close friend.

This brings up a few questions. What if I never know for sure what I want? Would another guy want to be with me if I wasn’t sure if I really liked guys, or even another girl if I wasn’t going to be necessarily ready for sex? Essentially, would people be ok with “experimenting” with me? I know you guys are all saying not to get caught up in that stuff, not to worry about how to categorize myself, but I’m worried it will always be a problem with future relationships.

I came pretty close to telling my friend about my fetish for feet/tickling a few days ago – I’ve never discussed it with anybody outside of the community, but I feel like I might tell him soon. I really don’t want to tell my parents. I feel like they’d be a lot more understanding if I just told them I’m struggling with the guy/girl question.

Thanks again.

 

[cape444]

Man I am 22 and not to long ago I was in the same place as you,I had never even kissed a women before never really tried. I always liked bondage and tickilng and feet but was not sure what I was looking for in a partner.

I was with my 1 women this past May we started to date we made out and it was good. Never told her I was a virgin I was shy about that kind of stuff she was about 8 years older then me so I did not want her to think I was weird.

1 time I was at her house we were kissing and she forced herself on me it wasnt her fault she thought I had sex before and most guys would be happy if a girl did that to them. I froze like a deer in the headlights and got creeped out because I was scared I could not do it right. We had to stop and I took off and went home,she called me the next night and I told her everything she said she was sorry had she known she would not have moved so fast. Next night I was there she was great and helped me have the best night of my life.

I know you must be upset and worried about it I know I was worried about what people were saying about me I did not know what wanted now I do I want and found someone who cares for me.

You need to find the right person for you man or women find someone that will help you discover who you are and do not rush.

 

[LindyHopper]

I understand it’s important not to get hung up on labels, but when my friend and I were talking about possibly starting a relationship, one of his biggest concerns was my uncertainty about whether I was gay, straight, or bisexual. He said he would almost never be with a guy who wasn’t sure, and only thought about it with me because I was a close friend.

I have a bi friend who operates by that same policy, because she doesn't want to deal with the other person's drama of "Am I gay? Am I bi? I just don't know!!!!!" And yet... she played with me to a point.

I think the last thing you said is key. People have guidelines they operate by, but if the right person comes along, someone they really care about... they're often willing to bend them. I bet you'll be fine.

I came pretty close to telling my friend about my fetish for feet/tickling a few days ago – I’ve never discussed it with anybody outside of the community, but I feel like I might tell him soon. I really don’t want to tell my parents. I feel like they’d be a lot more understanding if I just told them I’m struggling with the guy/girl question.

Good luck telling your friend - I hope that goes well for you.

Never mind about your parents - it's none of their damn business what you enjoy in bed.


Anyway, best wishes to you - most of us don't have it this hard!

 

[Maestro1874]

I sexuality were easy, there wouldn't be any therapists!

My only advice is this: do whatever it is that you enjoy, within the bounds of what is safe and legal and don't spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out WHY you enjoy it.

I live girls. Sometimes I like boys. Sometimes both. Other times, I'd rather read a damn book! It's all good.

-Maestro