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Cybering Addiction

MBDex

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Sep 12, 2018
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Hi, Dex here. After verifying myself, I just said "eh, fuck it," and decided to write this post.

I've been on the TMF and similar forums for... a long time. I remember my first time looking up a tickle story, the ":bugeyed:" feeling that came with it, the "oh-my-god-this-is-the-greatest-thing-I've-ever-seen" feeling, a fire in my belly and an insatiable craving for more. More more more. Then I found chatrooms. *tickles your feet* was enough for my younger self to be sent into waves of lusty desire.

I was hooked. During class I'd be thinking about nothing else but the cybering partner I'd slink home to and chat with for 3 or 4 hours before dinner. Ever stay up until 4AM creating the perfect, most pristine roleplay scene? Because I have. Ever disguise yourself as a girl to do kickass f/f fantasies with a domme who was most likely a guy too? Been there. (frankly speaking, guys were always better at cybering in my experience. people with dicks know what people with dicks want.) Ever edge yourself so you wouldn't orgasm until it would shatter the heavens and earth? Done that. Ever get caught using a fake name, only to create another one so you can get another shot at that beautiful ticklee from California? Yup, fuck being ashamed to admit it. Did somebody say shame? Ever feel the shame from a 2-day cybering bender, realizing that you got nothing productive done and spent all your time looking at a screen, waiting, begging the computer to give you someone good to play with? That was me. When I was in cybering land, everything was fine. No need to worry about how abusively my parents spoke to me, no need to worry about how I was flunking pretty much every subject in college, no need to think about anything except the response from MsTicklez422 (not a real username as far as I know). I had all the control I could ever want. My little world in a messenger window was perfect. Until it wasn't.

Post-orgasm from masturbation would lead to insomnia, alienation from my offline friends, and a whole other host of problems I'm happy to answer questions about. I have family to thank for stepping in and making me get help, which I did.

15 years and hundreds of cybering partners later, with a stable home life and an amazing partner, I'm 8.5 months clean as of the date I wrote this. My outlooks on tickling, on kink, on sexuality, control, and so many other things, have completely changed. I have occasional tickle partners that I get to torture senseless, which they love every second of. I no longer really crave cybering or tickle porn, since it doesn't serve the same role as it used to for me, and I want to open up a discussion on the grand ol' TMF for this sorta thing. I noticed this type of addiction hasn't really been talked about much on the TMF (please direct me to any sources that say otherwise). For me it was a real affliction, which I'm SO glad to be out of. Well, the worst of it, anyway. I have a long way to go, just with how to cope with all of the various traumas I never asked for. I probably caused some people annoyance and stress. I don't think I was ever horribly assaultive or mean, but I definitely put my need for that hit of dopamine over the dignity of the human I was talking to on the other end. I'm sorry about that, and I never want to be that person to anybody else ever, ever again. So here's to quitting.

This is in no way condemning consensual cybersex or online roleplaying, nor will it ever be. Using media for sexual gratification is not inherently bad. Tickle stories are great. Videos are a lot of fun. And hot to boot. Addiction to these things is very real, too, though, and it took me a long time to get out of the hole it put me in. This rabbit hole goes very deep, and there's years of details that I'm happy to elaborate on, maybe some folks have had similar experiences to me, you never know.

Feel free to share your thoughts, experiences, opinions, anecdotes, and anything else you feel called to share. Please be kind, and feel free to share with anybody who might be dealing with the same issues, it's worth getting help if you're struggling.

Thanks for reading!
 
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Hi, Dex here. ----SNIP ----Thanks for reading!


No offense, but I'm kinda skeptical.
I think that anything can be harmful if taken too far or if you let it become more important than the things in your life that should be more important, but to say you had an addiction, and you're now clean is a little flippant. I mean, you're here. I can't think of any legitimate addiction counselor who would advise an alcoholic to go back to their favorite bar and to chat with people about their experiences with booze. It's kind of like the street preachers on Bourbon street who park themselves outside of strip clubs. You don't think the proximity and ease of access to what you said was so bad before isn't asking for trouble?
 
...to say you had an addiction, and you're now clean is a little flippant.
Not super into the presumptiveness of that statement, but I do get the perspective of it. I'm back on the TMF, how could I possibly be free from the clutches of cybering and porn? Look at the surplus of content I can jack off to right at this very moment! How the hell would I be doing myself any favors?? I get that, and honestly that's where it gets a little tricky when it comes to defining what addiction really is. Here's what I'll tell you:

If ever I would start cybering with anybody, I wouldn't be able to stop for hours and hours on end, and I would get a lot of feelings similar to what people describe from coke benders. The deep, endless void of desire and want associated with somebody who is just looking for a fix. I've read enough and experienced enough to be convinced that what I had was an addiction. I don't post this to convince you or anybody else of that, as much as I post it to share my story and provide perspective for people that might have the same troubles. That said, the TMF, and kink websites in general, get complicated. I don't seek out tickle partners for the same reason I sought out cybering. Real tickle play activates completely different parts of my brain, and is a deeply rewarding experience that goes beyond the dopamine that I'd get from tickle videos. It's real, it's human, it's a beautiful experience.

You don't think the proximity and ease of access to what you said was so bad before isn't asking for trouble?
Maybe I am asking for trouble. Maybe posting about this is giving me more reason to fall back into obsessive compulsive habits, or may lead me back down the rabbit hole. I honestly don't think I am by posting about my issues, since I've never really talked about them on the TMF before. If I treat this conversation the way I would with real-life tickle folks (which I didn't know any of until years into using porn), it doesn't really tempt me the same way as a chat with a cybering partner would. My addiction was a symptom of other issues that I was having, and I don't see what I'm doing now as an expression of that.

You bring up valid points, and I'm happy to answer any other questions you have.
 
Thank you Dex. I took an amazing amount of courage to admit all of that. And you coming clean like that could help someone else with their struggles. Thank you for sharing that with us.

To be honest, you can get addicted to essentially anything. It’s easy really. We all have our little vices. Chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol, television, smart phones, sex..

You think it’s just something you do. Just something that you use to relax and blow off steam. Hey, you deserve it, right? I mean hey, it’s your life after all.

Pretty soon it’s a habit. Gotta have that smoke, gotta have that drink, screw this diet, I wonder if NylonStockings4f from California is on tonight. Hey you’re not addicted. Nah, you can quit anytime you want to. After all, you’ve been stressed at work. You NEED this. So what if it’s 2am? You can drink a little extra coffee in the morning

After that you’re doing it every day. Multiple times a day. You’re spending money on it, too much money. But nobody is gonna tell you how to life your life right? Screw them, you’ve got what you need.

Then you can’t stop. You don’t know how you’ll get through the day without it. You can get to sleep without it. It’s the first thing on your mind when you get up in the morning.

It owns you.

If you’re on this path, then stop. It’s not too late, you can get help. Someone out there does understand. You’re not alone.
 
Not super into the presumptiveness of that statement, but I do get the perspective of it. I'm back on the TMF, how could I possibly be free from the clutches of cybering and porn? Look at the surplus of content I can jack off to right at this very moment! How the hell would I be doing myself any favors?? I get that, and honestly that's where it gets a little tricky when it comes to defining what addiction really is. Here's what I'll tell you:

If ever I would start cybering with anybody, I wouldn't be able to stop for hours and hours on end, and I would get a lot of feelings similar to what people describe from coke benders. The deep, endless void of desire and want associated with somebody who is just looking for a fix. I've read enough and experienced enough to be convinced that what I had was an addiction. I don't post this to convince you or anybody else of that, as much as I post it to share my story and provide perspective for people that might have the same troubles. That said, the TMF, and kink websites in general, get complicated. I don't seek out tickle partners for the same reason I sought out cybering. Real tickle play activates completely different parts of my brain, and is a deeply rewarding experience that goes beyond the dopamine that I'd get from tickle videos. It's real, it's human, it's a beautiful experience.


Maybe I am asking for trouble. Maybe posting about this is giving me more reason to fall back into obsessive compulsive habits, or may lead me back down the rabbit hole. I honestly don't think I am by posting about my issues, since I've never really talked about them on the TMF before. If I treat this conversation the way I would with real-life tickle folks (which I didn't know any of until years into using porn), it doesn't really tempt me the same way as a chat with a cybering partner would. My addiction was a symptom of other issues that I was having, and I don't see what I'm doing now as an expression of that.
You bring up valid points, and I'm happy to answer any other questions you have.

I appreciate your candor, and in return, I'm going to keep this straight and level. There are a number of contradictions in your statements, and, if I'm reading correctly, your addiction is self-diagnosed (including the compartmentalizing of different centers of the brain), the parameters are self-defined, and your treatment is self-prescribed; giving up one thing you feel you can do without, and keeping the rest.

Continuing with the alcohol analogy, isn't that like saying you're giving up 12-year-old scotch, but sticking to draft beer and well drinks?

Lastly, is it really "coming clean" if the people you might have wronged have no idea what you're talking about?

I'm not judging you for anything you've done, because I get the feeling I've probably done worse, in real life. Actually, I'm pretty sure of it. Redemption is different for everyone; but some of the contradictions in your statements seem like they're not helpful to you.
 
I appreciate your candor, and in return, I'm going to keep this straight and level. There are a number of contradictions in your statements, and, if I'm reading correctly, your addiction is self-diagnosed (including the compartmentalizing of different centers of the brain), the parameters are self-defined, and your treatment is self-prescribed; giving up one thing you feel you can do without, and keeping the rest.

Continuing with the alcohol analogy, isn't that like saying you're giving up 12-year-old scotch, but sticking to draft beer and well drinks?

Lastly, is it really "coming clean" if the people you might have wronged have no idea what you're talking about?

I'm not judging you for anything you've done, because I get the feeling I've probably done worse, in real life. Actually, I'm pretty sure of it. Redemption is different for everyone; but some of the contradictions in your statements seem like they're not helpful to you.

Mmm, still not into the presumptions made in your statements, but I'll use this as an opportunity to be clearer.

I was (am? some of it's still there) addicted to using media (computers, books, TV, VHS, tablets, phones, photo albums) for sexual gratification, i.e. getting off to tickling or sexual content in any of those forms. I am diagnosed with OCD, and have had years of professional help and family support to get to where I am. I've found that my addiction is a symptom of a much larger history of childhood trauma, and some of it absolutely leaks into other things I do (YouTube, seeking tickle partners, smoking weed where it's legal, etc.), but nothing has anywhere near the same power over me as getting off to content on a computer. If you insist on calling it something besides addiction, be my guest. I've been around long enough, and I know myself well enough, to know what works for me, and I have support systems in place to guide me when I mess up.

As for "coming clean" to people I've wronged... that's honestly not a bad idea. I might reach out to people individually and see where that goes.

Wolf, if you have specific questions that help you understand my experience, by all means ask. I'm not really interested in providing a thesis with citations for why I view my problems the way I do, I think that'll just lead to unkind, circular conversation. Thanks in advance for respecting that.
 
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Thank you Dex. I took an amazing amount of courage to admit all of that. And you coming clean like that could help someone else with their struggles. Thank you for sharing that with us.

To be honest, you can get addicted to essentially anything. It’s easy really. We all have our little vices. Chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol, television, smart phones, sex..

You think it’s just something you do. Just something that you use to relax and blow off steam. Hey, you deserve it, right? I mean hey, it’s your life after all.

Pretty soon it’s a habit. Gotta have that smoke, gotta have that drink, screw this diet, I wonder if NylonStockings4f from California is on tonight. Hey you’re not addicted. Nah, you can quit anytime you want to. After all, you’ve been stressed at work. You NEED this. So what if it’s 2am? You can drink a little extra coffee in the morning

After that you’re doing it every day. Multiple times a day. You’re spending money on it, too much money. But nobody is gonna tell you how to life your life right? Screw them, you’ve got what you need.

Then you can’t stop. You don’t know how you’ll get through the day without it. You can get to sleep without it. It’s the first thing on your mind when you get up in the morning.

It owns you.

If you’re on this path, then stop. It’s not too late, you can get help. Someone out there does understand. You’re not alone.

To any mods reading this, is there a shot at updating the forum to add "react" buttons to posts? Or are we still kickin' it old school?

Anyhow, I love what you're saying here. I identify with a lot of your descriptions, and what helped me most was realizing where the behavior was stemming from. Now that I have an idea of that, I can see patterns similar to what I did with cybering (albeit leagues less intense... seriously, nothing OCD-related in my life has come CLOSE to being as bad as cybering), and then I can steer into those feelings, figure out what the issue is, and move forward.
 
To any mods reading this, is there a shot at updating the forum to add "react" buttons to posts? Or are we still kickin' it old school?

Anyhow, I love what you're saying here. I identify with a lot of your descriptions, and what helped me most was realizing where the behavior was stemming from. Now that I have an idea of that, I can see patterns similar to what I did with cybering (albeit leagues less intense... seriously, nothing OCD-related in my life has come CLOSE to being as bad as cybering), and then I can steer into those feelings, figure out what the issue is, and move forward.

I know a thing or two about addiction. My Dad smoked until the day he died, my Mom is sadly determined not to stop. I also have a friend who is a recovering drug addict.

If you can get your hands on Alice Cooper: Golf Monster read it. It’s an amazing story of addiction and recovery. These days Alice is known as a rock legend, but there was a time when addiction nearly cost him everything.

The first step is admitting that you have a problem. You’ve done that, and I’m proud of you and everyone else that comes forward with their own struggles.
 
Many of my family members deal with addiction. Both of my parents especially. I personally have to watch my intake of certain meds because of anxiety over addiction.

Just want to say that the comparison of that to cybering kind of minimizes physical addiction.

Good luck with your issues.
 
Many of my family members deal with addiction. Both of my parents especially. I personally have to watch my intake of certain meds because of anxiety over addiction.

Just want to say that the comparison of that to cybering kind of minimizes physical addiction.

Good luck with your issues.

Oof, physical addiction is rough. It sucks to go through that, and to see family members suffering from it. Many parts of physical addiction I've never suffered through, and you're right to think that it's unfair to compare them. In many ways, they're completely different animals.

In posting here, I'm laying my problems out to help ease what I've been dealing with for over a decade. I don't believe I made a statement, explicitly or implicitly, about how my addiction compares to anybody else's. Minimizing others' suffering isn't my thing. I believe recovery and growth come from kindness and understanding, and in that spirit, I'm here if you need a listening ear, and hope you can find some peace and happiness where you are. :redheart:
 
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I would recommend avoiding porn and tickling websites and replace the addiction with some hobby to keep your mind busy. It won’t be easy, but don’t give up. Don’t let it control you.
 
I would recommend avoiding porn and tickling websites and replace the addiction with some hobby to keep your mind busy. It won’t be easy, but don’t give up. Don’t let it control you.

Good recommendations! I'm seeing if I can bring myself back onto the TMF for the communal side of things, since I don't really have anyone to chat with about it more casually. Being here is activating a few of my OCD receptors, so we'll see what happens. I hope I can make enough of the separation to find what I loved about being at gatherings at play parties. Thanks for posting!
 
Thanks so much, MBDex for starting this amazing thread and like someone said earlier; having the courage to be vulnerable and honest about your addictions. I share nearly all of your sentiments about being addicted to the videos and photos of tickling. I’m not in a good place right now though, and I am struggling with how to think about my own addiction to this media. I went almost a year without it and was very proud of myself for being able to stop consuming hours of my life looking at a screen. I am now back ‘in it’. Doesn’t feel too good I have to admit. The real life connections with people are where it’s at. I need to take the time I use to watch tickling videos and put it into real relationships with actual human beings that I can meet in person. That’s my current thought process. Again, just really appreciate you sharing your story here. Has been incredibly helpful to me to gain some more perspective on how I’m operating in this space. Thanks, TLM
 
Thanks so much, MBDex for starting this amazing thread and like someone said earlier; having the courage to be vulnerable and honest about your addictions. I share nearly all of your sentiments about being addicted to the videos and photos of tickling. I’m not in a good place right now though, and I am struggling with how to think about my own addiction to this media. I went almost a year without it and was very proud of myself for being able to stop consuming hours of my life looking at a screen. I am now back ‘in it’. Doesn’t feel too good I have to admit. The real life connections with people are where it’s at. I need to take the time I use to watch tickling videos and put it into real relationships with actual human beings that I can meet in person. That’s my current thought process. Again, just really appreciate you sharing your story here. Has been incredibly helpful to me to gain some more perspective on how I’m operating in this space. Thanks, TLM
Hey, admitting it is a huge deal. Well done! If you want to reach out, my line is open, I'm happy to chat one-on-one and share some tips and tricks that have helped me. You can also ask more specific questions here, and I can answer them on this thread the best I can. If you went almost a year once, you can definitely do it again. Keep going, dude, you can do it!!
 
Hey, admitting it is a huge deal. Well done! If you want to reach out, my line is open, I'm happy to chat one-on-one and share some tips and tricks that have helped me. You can also ask more specific questions here, and I can answer them on this thread the best I can. If you went almost a year once, you can definitely do it again. Keep going, dude, you can do it!!


Thank you so much, MBDex. Your encouragement means so much. Really appreciate the kind words and encouragement. Sincerely, TLM
 
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