NavelTickler75
4th Level Yellow Feather
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2006
- Messages
- 3,770
- Points
- 36
Okay I promised a cat version of bellystrokes Dog thread, so here it is. I can't say its the best or better than the dog one, but I had fun doing it and it made me laugh some.
I read the dog one and had to do this for cats everywhere! LOL hey why should dogs have all the fun?!
DEAR GOD
FROM: FRISKY aka Garfield (no not THAT Garfield, *sigh*)
Dear God,
Its me, the cat, ya that cat! No not Garfield, the other one why does everyone confuse us, he‘s a frickin cartoon and I‘m calico not an orange tabbie!, Ya you know me, the Calico stud you gave to all the worlds stray ladies out there? Well I ain’t no gift no more? Why, what did I do?
Was it the time I used my owner’s drapes as a stepping stool to get the that piece of suichi swimming around in the bowl? Hey come on, they can’t be made at that, if they were going to put Japanese delicacies for me up so high, the next time you’d think to remember to add an escalator!
Oh, maybe it was the time I scratched my owner and bit his arm? Well hell you’d do the same damn thing if someone was holding you tight in their arms and yanking your mouth open and jamming some foul tasting piece of shit down YOUR throat!
Okay I admit, I tinkled outside of the box and got Rover blamed for it, but come on, one more time of his playing lets stick my nose up your ass as far as it goes, and I would have snapped! Not to mention he wouldn’t stop chasing me, eating MY food, and using my toilet as his own private beach resort!
Okay, okay ya got me, sure I hid a lot during the middle of the night, and yes the mister and missus would get up and look for me, only for me to sneak into a dark corner for the chase to continue, but what was I supposed to do at three o’clock in the morning? Ellen Degeneres wasn’t on, Girl Next Door had one of the blondes showing off more of her dog than her better assests again, what’s up with that by the way? And John left me no more lasagna for me to eat. Hey is it my fault he brought me up on the damn cartoon and insisted calling me Garfield?
Yes, yes, yes I know, I stayed out too late during the nights, and socialized too much, but come on, with a singing voice like mine can you really blame me?
Okay that brings me to some questions of my own God.
1. Why don’t humans appreciate this voice YOU gave me? I mean here I am singing the best opera of my damn third life, and what happens? Someone throws a pot of water on me!
2. And what is up with water? You made us cats so we could take a bath, why couldn’t the humans have tongues to clean themselves? Then we could forgo the water issue all the way!
3. If cats are supposed to chase mice, why the hell did you give them diseases for them to carry and us to catch? What are we the garbage men of the animal world? Get some nut job humans to cure the disease not us.
4. And again, its our jobs to catch mice? Where the hell is my paycheck then man, because I sure as hell haven’t heard of any bitch I’ve knocked up with kittens whose getting my money, and I don’t have a post office box, so don’t tell me the check got lost some where!
5. Why are more humans allergic to us, than those slobbering flea bags? Come on, cats are cuddly, playful, intelligent. Hell if those apes hadn’t evolved (assuming you allowed evolution I mean God) its obvious felines would have been the superior species! Do you even KNOW how demeaning it is for someone to kick you in the ass because a friend or relative is coming whose allergic and they want you out of the house? Or to be picked up by a five year old and sneezed and sneezed on? Oh I see, not only are we the vermin eradicators, we also have to be the collectors of snot from human children who sneeze and wipe their noses on us,. Nice.
6. Whats wrong with a little different religion and worship? Come on God, share the glory! When cats were gods and goddesses did you see us inflicted plagues and crusades and what not? Hell no, all we did was hack up hair balls on the unworthy!
7. Do all dogs, REALLY GO TO HEAVEN? Because I sure as hell don’t want to share my condo with Rover, I mean man! He drags his ass all over the floor and the humans all go, “Awwwww poor thing”. I do that and you’d think I was a brain eating zombie!
8. Okay we do have the nine lives thing, but come on, nine lives? Isn’t that a bit puny? Why not nine hundred lives with the union option if you’ve been a good cat of signing up for another nine hundred years more! Now that’s pension!
9. Can’t human kids tell what folded ears me? I mean I’m not a transformer, for Your sake, stop putting my ears up and down and rolling them all around like antenna or something! And for fucks sake stop putting me in cutesy little dresses with bonnets! If they had to dress me, why not dress me like a gigolo? I know all those bitches in the street, looking for their next meal or next score would flock to me then. Oh wait, that’s right, thanks to John and his family they wont. I lost the damn family jewels!
10. Okay God last one. Why the hell did you let people say cats always land on their feet? Hmmmm? Because I for one am sick and tired of Junior tossing me around like I’m a tinker toy and laughing as I land on the ground hard! And they wonder why I have arthritis! How would they like it if someone tossed them up and made them land on their feet at top speed from a great height? Now there’s something I’d pay some serious fish bones to see!
Okay God, just me, Garfield, the Calico, ex stud cat, signing off. Have a pleasant weekend, and please don’t make it rain tomorrow, I have a concert I have to do on old man Jenson’s fence!
I read the dog one and had to do this for cats everywhere! LOL hey why should dogs have all the fun?!
DEAR GOD
FROM: FRISKY aka Garfield (no not THAT Garfield, *sigh*)
Dear God,
Its me, the cat, ya that cat! No not Garfield, the other one why does everyone confuse us, he‘s a frickin cartoon and I‘m calico not an orange tabbie!, Ya you know me, the Calico stud you gave to all the worlds stray ladies out there? Well I ain’t no gift no more? Why, what did I do?
Was it the time I used my owner’s drapes as a stepping stool to get the that piece of suichi swimming around in the bowl? Hey come on, they can’t be made at that, if they were going to put Japanese delicacies for me up so high, the next time you’d think to remember to add an escalator!
Oh, maybe it was the time I scratched my owner and bit his arm? Well hell you’d do the same damn thing if someone was holding you tight in their arms and yanking your mouth open and jamming some foul tasting piece of shit down YOUR throat!
Okay I admit, I tinkled outside of the box and got Rover blamed for it, but come on, one more time of his playing lets stick my nose up your ass as far as it goes, and I would have snapped! Not to mention he wouldn’t stop chasing me, eating MY food, and using my toilet as his own private beach resort!
Okay, okay ya got me, sure I hid a lot during the middle of the night, and yes the mister and missus would get up and look for me, only for me to sneak into a dark corner for the chase to continue, but what was I supposed to do at three o’clock in the morning? Ellen Degeneres wasn’t on, Girl Next Door had one of the blondes showing off more of her dog than her better assests again, what’s up with that by the way? And John left me no more lasagna for me to eat. Hey is it my fault he brought me up on the damn cartoon and insisted calling me Garfield?
Yes, yes, yes I know, I stayed out too late during the nights, and socialized too much, but come on, with a singing voice like mine can you really blame me?
Okay that brings me to some questions of my own God.
1. Why don’t humans appreciate this voice YOU gave me? I mean here I am singing the best opera of my damn third life, and what happens? Someone throws a pot of water on me!
2. And what is up with water? You made us cats so we could take a bath, why couldn’t the humans have tongues to clean themselves? Then we could forgo the water issue all the way!
3. If cats are supposed to chase mice, why the hell did you give them diseases for them to carry and us to catch? What are we the garbage men of the animal world? Get some nut job humans to cure the disease not us.
4. And again, its our jobs to catch mice? Where the hell is my paycheck then man, because I sure as hell haven’t heard of any bitch I’ve knocked up with kittens whose getting my money, and I don’t have a post office box, so don’t tell me the check got lost some where!
5. Why are more humans allergic to us, than those slobbering flea bags? Come on, cats are cuddly, playful, intelligent. Hell if those apes hadn’t evolved (assuming you allowed evolution I mean God) its obvious felines would have been the superior species! Do you even KNOW how demeaning it is for someone to kick you in the ass because a friend or relative is coming whose allergic and they want you out of the house? Or to be picked up by a five year old and sneezed and sneezed on? Oh I see, not only are we the vermin eradicators, we also have to be the collectors of snot from human children who sneeze and wipe their noses on us,. Nice.
6. Whats wrong with a little different religion and worship? Come on God, share the glory! When cats were gods and goddesses did you see us inflicted plagues and crusades and what not? Hell no, all we did was hack up hair balls on the unworthy!
7. Do all dogs, REALLY GO TO HEAVEN? Because I sure as hell don’t want to share my condo with Rover, I mean man! He drags his ass all over the floor and the humans all go, “Awwwww poor thing”. I do that and you’d think I was a brain eating zombie!
8. Okay we do have the nine lives thing, but come on, nine lives? Isn’t that a bit puny? Why not nine hundred lives with the union option if you’ve been a good cat of signing up for another nine hundred years more! Now that’s pension!
9. Can’t human kids tell what folded ears me? I mean I’m not a transformer, for Your sake, stop putting my ears up and down and rolling them all around like antenna or something! And for fucks sake stop putting me in cutesy little dresses with bonnets! If they had to dress me, why not dress me like a gigolo? I know all those bitches in the street, looking for their next meal or next score would flock to me then. Oh wait, that’s right, thanks to John and his family they wont. I lost the damn family jewels!
10. Okay God last one. Why the hell did you let people say cats always land on their feet? Hmmmm? Because I for one am sick and tired of Junior tossing me around like I’m a tinker toy and laughing as I land on the ground hard! And they wonder why I have arthritis! How would they like it if someone tossed them up and made them land on their feet at top speed from a great height? Now there’s something I’d pay some serious fish bones to see!
Okay God, just me, Garfield, the Calico, ex stud cat, signing off. Have a pleasant weekend, and please don’t make it rain tomorrow, I have a concert I have to do on old man Jenson’s fence!
