Ever Have One of Those Pointlessitudes?

[Dave2112]

It's been a weird couple of days for Yours Truly, and I honestly don't even know what I'm gonna say or how I'm gonna explain it. It's like having the most complex thoughts and being utterly unable to express them properly with this limiting and subjective thing we call language. Basically, I'm just venting.

You ever go through a period where you just cannot put your proverbial finger on why, but you just feel that something's...off? Nothing, but everything. Like, you just went to the end of reality and took a left.

Of course, of late, I've been immersing myself in the nature of the universe, the existence of that which we cannot understand, wrapping my brain around concepts like sentience itself being "God"...the universe being a macrocosmic version of the molecular structure of elements...existential shit like that. Maybe it's overload, I don't know.

But, over the past couple days, I'm walking around and seeing the world as nothing more than the sum of its parts. Nothing that matters at the end of the celestial day. And it's not depression or melancholy. Nothing that simple. It's a....nothingness. Either way. People walking around oblivious to anything, lemmings headed for the cliff and happy to do it. Civilization reaching some unavoidable critical mass of do, fail, repeat throughout the millenia. The same mistakes, the same beliefs, the same failed experiments in sociology tried the same way and hoping for different results again and again and again and again and again....

And meanwhile, I sit in the middle of it...utterly uncaring. Completely aware of everything from the vibration of the world down to the molecular structure of the shit on the foot of the ant scurrying across the floor. And completely disinterested in any possible outcome. The utter futility of try, fail, repeat and hope for a new outcome. The idiocy of thinking a solitary person, either through fate or destiny, stands a fish's chance in the East River of making the slightest difference in any of it, no matter how informed, insightful or desirous of civil impact.

And again, it's not a depression thing. It's like...a complete and utter neutrality. Looking at the whole of humanity as an observer from some distant future (if I even believed in time, which is another source altogether) and thanking the FSM that I'm not part of it...but being jealous that I'm not vapid enough to just accept the fun ride and pretty scenery on the way to the cliff's edge.

Yeah, I'll get over it. And I'm not gonna worry about it. But it has been a weird couple of days, my friends.

Really, really weird.

 

[melanie2]

ah Dave...it does sound a teeny bit like depression...but i've had those days also...but in the long run...life is beautiful to me...and i cherish each day i have...

 

[tklmaestro]

I don't believe realigning the way you percieve the world qualifies as "depression", only that you see it first in harmony rather than in discord.

 

[Dave2112]

Like I said...it's not depression. I know depression. This isn't it. I'm not the slightest bit depressed about anything.

I'm sure it'll figure itself out.

 

[melanie2]

ok feel free to spank me for my miscomprehension..i know depression all too well myself...and no i don't think it is that...*slinks off*

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

I "think" I know the sort of day you're describing, Dave2112. It's neither a feeling of depression or of superiority, but almost a feeling of being a conduit of sorts. An elusive openness to the potential for any and everything.

Might I recommend attempting some sort of artistic or other creative endeavor? Often on those strangely "timeless" kinds of days, the muse can take hold and really shine. It's what I have planned for the rest of my day.

As an adult, I positively luxuriate in the opportunity to have days not unlike when I was a child, and the usual errands and duties and obligations all take a backseat to just the ability to let the mind take me where it will. Most people NEVER have days like that after, say, the age of 11 or 12. Artists, poets, scientists, and crazy people still do at times, and it's a mixed blessing to be sure.

 

[PurpleStyle]

As Richard Dawkins (a staunch atheist) once said, "When we unweave a rainbow, it will not become less wonderful."

Being just as staunch an atheist, I can relate. I can also certainly sympathize with you. Let me impart some of my wisdom - I don't have much of it, being as young as I am; but here is my philosophy.

There is no point to life. There is no point to the universe. None that we can see anyway. However, this does not make me a nihilist. Far from it. Rather than just say that life has no point and let my fellow human beings fall, I tell them this: we exist forever. Just not in the way you think.

Every atom in your body is as old as the universe itself. From being part of the extremely hot, newly-"awakened" universe, to the massive dust cloud that was our solar system before something caused it to begin coalescing, to... where you're sitting right now, with those very same 13± billion year old atoms that make up your eyes reading these words.

We're not just living in a universe, we're of the universe. We are the same stuff that makes up stars, which then make up galaxies. We're all going to exist in one form or another as long as space-time itself permits. Quadrillions upon quadrillions of years.

This might make some feel pretty insignificant, but not me! It makes me feel quite large, actually. I'm made of the same stuff as everything else in the entire universe; however large that may be. That makes me quite large, and special.

As for this world - the world may be just the sum of it's parts, but that does not make it any less beautiful. Where people see boring math, boring nature, boring space... I see beauty. I see beauty in everything. As imperfect as the universe is, it is incredibly beautiful. I've never seen anything more beautiful than a galaxy. An object in space, billions of light years away, containing hundreds of billions - maybe even trillions of stars, among trillions of other swirling galaxies. Each star with the possibility of life spinning around it at a dizzyingly fast pace. There just might even be life inside our own swirling collection of stars. I would bet that there is.

Even down to just this world, there is beauty in everything. I see beauty in the cycle of nature; how it recycles everything, and the balanced ecosphere it maintains. I see beauty in how the trees and plants create oxygen from photosynthesis, using the carbon dioxide that we breath out, and the energy that the sun has so freely given to us for several billion years; and will continue to do so for billions more.

When I think about these things, it makes life feel infinitely wondrous to me. I'm so young, and even though I feel that I know so much, there is even more yet to discover. Not only do I feel as though I'm part of the universe, and that I'm special, I feel important. I have the ability to choose how to spend my life, as does everyone else. I can only hope that one day I make a contribution to the long-built knowledge base of humanity. In that, and these atoms that briefly make up my body, I can 'live' forever.

Spend your life enjoying it and being a good person, and it will be meaningful.

 

[Dave2112]

ok feel free to spank me for my miscomprehension..i know depression all too well myself...and no i don't think it is that...*slinks off*

Oh, don't slink off, it's fine hun. Believe me, it's been causing confusion for me as well. But I do know it's not depression.

 

[Dave2112]

Purple, you pretty much hit it on the head. Usually, that's exactly how I feel. Of late...it's been this feeling of...something larger. Not sure what...but it tugs at me relentlessly.

I appreciate the insights. And, like I said, I'm sure it's all going to sort itself out. I'm starting to feel this as one of the "transition periods" I've gone through before. Often, as we achieve new levels of understanding, it takes the mind awhile to become accustomed to it.

"I am made of the dust of the stars; and the oceans flow in my veins..." - Rush, Presto

 

[Cbarton]

You sound just like the writer of Ecclesiastes. It's a short book (12 chapters). Give it a look. Just go to Psalms and turn right (lol). You may find that he and you and something in common.

 

[Journia]

I think I understand. I go through that everyday.