Ever Lose A Friend Over Something Stupid? I Did Today

[Wicker Man]

I swore when I joined this site in February I wouldnt be one of those people you see in the archives who let their personal lives hang out all over these boards that frankly wasnt meant for that. However I could use maybe a pat on the shoulder and everyone here has been more or less nice to me so if dont reveal any names or details here goes...I had a friend well call her Jane who was kind and understanding to me although she never had much of a sense of humor. She too was into a fetish although not tickling. Anyhow Jane is in a bad marriage and her husband said he found the emails from her male friends and blew his stack. I dont know EXACTLY what happened but she said it would be a while before she could use the internet again. So anyway I saw that Jane was posting on this fetish board that we both belong to and I questioned her about it. She just sent me an email saying she felt threatened by my email questioning her and she felt like she was in danger so shes only talkiing to family and closing all her email addresses. Now guys I know what youre thinking but I NEVER CAME CLOSE TO THREATENING HER IN ANY WAY!! I even reread the letter I sent her (and printed it in case of legal ramifications) and im sorry I might have sounded a bit confused but in no way threatening. Im not like that! I thought she would know that. I dont threaten and only fight in self-defense...thats my rule. When it comes to women not even in self-defense most likely. Huh! Im 33 but so much to learn about this world I suppose. The educating is painful and neverending...so much for not getting personal.

 

[Limeoutsider]

Sorry to hear that

I lost a friend over her bad attitude, but losing friends sucks, no matter how you look at it (unless they did something like stole your ID or personal items or are backstabbing bitches, etc.)

 

[ticklkitten]

Its ok sweetie. I think that she was more or less scared of the result of her husband finding out about other friends she had, especially men. So, she cut to the quick and blew you off. It was painful I'm sure but kind of like pulling off a Band Aid I bet she thought this was the way to do it rather than drifting slowly away. It is just my opinion and it may very well be wrong. We can't know for sure. But I'm sorry it happened to you and I honestly doubt that you did anything wrong in this case. Keep your chin up, sometimes we get things that we don't deserve.

 

[vampirecult]

sorry to hear that man. i'm here for you anytime you need to talk you know what to do. maybe it's better off anyways ya know? because hell it happens friends drift apart over little and big lame reasons all the time. keep your head up! 😀

 

[Mitchell]

I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like she might have been a bit oversensitive. Unfortunately, human beings can be that way sometimes. It sounds to me like more her issue than yours, but losing a friend for any reason hurts nonetheless. Iam sorry that this situation happened to you.

Mitch

 

[Wicker Man]

Thanx Guys!

Thank you everyone...old friends and new. After the mother of a day I had today this was the last nail in the coffin so to speak. All of your replies made the hurt and fear that I have, I mean what if she shows this letter to the cops although it didnt threaten her physically or in any way, you know cops! Well it made it all subside a little bit in this day of a thousand deaths so again, thanx a million!

 

[JoBelle]

Wickerman,

I feel bad for ya. I know how it is. The thing that you have to remember is that it likely had very little to do with you. Sometimes people are just so insecure that they latch onto any reason to justify their behaviors....whether they are legitimate or not.

I know it's cliche, but sometimes, you just have to let them go so they will one day understand the friend, or potential firend, they lost.

Good luck,
Jo

 

[TummyDragon]

Wickerman,

I feel bad for ya. I know how it is. The thing that you have to remember is that it likely had very little to do with you. Sometimes people are just so insecure that they latch onto any reason to justify their behaviors....whether they are legitimate or not.

I know it's cliche, but sometimes, you just have to let them go so they will one day understand the friend, or potential firend, they lost.

Good luck,
Jo

Yep, what she said...

Friends can be strange at times, and even the closest ones you think you know so well can go through tough times and appear to completely change on you. Giving them space, or even letting them go requires an unselfishness that's hard to come by sometimes, though hopefully they always remember that you care, no matter what.


Now, this episode with this lady friend really doesn't sound quite right. Something doesn't add up. When that happens, I think the best thing to do is to get as far away as you can.

 

[Krazy]

Man I thought it was about death.. Thank god it wasnt.

 

[Wicker Man]

Oh sorry Krazy, I can see where youd think that but I didnt know how else to word it. I got beat up yesterday more than the 1980s version of Muhammad Ali.

 

[featherfingers]

I'll help you feel better... I lost a lady friend a few years ago because she was upset that I didn't beat up an old lady. You heard me. We had arrived at a movie theater and this old lady was taking her time getting into her car. Her door wouldn't allow my friend to exit my car. My friend made a fuss and the old lady 'ALLEGEDLY' flipped her the bird. I didn't see it happen. But my friend was pissed and she said, "Are you going to let her get away with that?! Do something!" I just sat there thinking, "Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna beat the crap out of an elderly lady." My "friend" said, "Take me home!" I dropped her off and never heard from her again.

Wickerman, you didn't do anything wrong. She probably read something into what you wrote. It's hard to have a genuine conversation simply by writing. No one can tell what you really intend to say unless there are verbal clues like vocal inflections, not to mention facial expressions. Chalk it up to experience and go on with your life.

 

[JoBelle]

Giving them space, or even letting them go requires an unselfishness that's hard to come by sometimes, though hopefully they always remember that you care, no matter what.

Funny thing is...sometimes, when they get life back to managable pace, they realize all the good stuff that was getting lost in the mix of confusion or hard times. They really appreciate it when what was once a good friend reopens that door to friendship.

Maybe she'll see that one day.

 

[Wicker Man]

Nah Jobelle, like the consensus of the replies I got im just gonna let this woman go. I cant afford to be around people men OR women who act like that. I was scared shitless that shed go to the cops saying "Some nut on the internet threatened me!" Although I did no such thing, not even close you know those boys in blue how "understanding" 🙄 they can be in these delicate situations. Its 6:18pm est and so far no cops so I guess shell be happy changing her email address like she said she was gonna (like id email her anyway!) and she also said she was only gonna talk to family from now on...sounds like her husband might have beat that into her and although this distressed me I dont wish that fate on anyone. Thank you all so much Mitchell, Featherfingers, Jobelle and each one of you that took the time to respond and make me feel better. Youre all class acts in my book. 😀

 

[featherfingers]

You're welcome, Wickerman.🙂

 

[Knox The Hatter]

My best friend, whom I love like a member of my own family, in some ways even more so, has been in my life now for twenty seven years. Within that time, I figure there might be three or four whole years where we didn't talk to each other. Misunderstandings, etc. We first met the week he showed up at my high school, after running away from his parents in California. I would never have dreamed back then that we'd still be the best of friends when we both were gray and fat and cantankerous. He's got many faults, but he is human after all, and I care about him more than most things in my life.

You see, now, that's a friend, a real honest to goodness friend, a time-honored friend. The friends from your adolescence that you keep are more valuable than gold, because as you get older, it becomes very difficult to make the kind of friends that you had back in high school.

While it does hurt now (and believe me, I do validate your feelings one hundred percent, because I've been in this situation of yours many times), I think it's gonna pass, and you will be the smarter for it, and you'll know who your friends around here really are.

Ah, husbands. They do get in the way of things sometimes, don't they? LOL! I remember, back in 1997, when I was looking to cheat on my carping bore of an ex-girlfriend in the worst way, I met this beautiful Black girl working at the local Wawa. We hit it off, very nicely, and one morning, after she got off of work, we had planned to get together at my house. You see, she was about to ditch her husband, with whom the fire had extinguished long ago, and she was looking for something different, just like me. Well, she didn't make it that morning. I called her up, and she told me that she was quitting her job and she wouldn't see or speak to me again. I mean, it didn't take Einstein to figure out what happened, you know? Hey, Wicks, shit happens. It's time to find ten other new girls to talk to, because they're out there, and they're waiting to hear from you...🙂

 

[P50]

Wickerman, if this is the first time this has happened to you, then you're either [A] very young or very good at picking female friends; much better than I am, that's for sure.

What you've probably experienced here is a woman who has made up her own mind as to how much you need to know, and then mixed in a little bit of attitude change at times of her own choosing.

There is nothing wrong with anyone changing their mind.

There is nothing wrong with deciding what we think others need to know.

Neither of those two conscious decisions constitute outright lying, but, I think most folks here already have a small opinion forming about how she handled it with you. Wick, I seriously doubt that you have any sort of problem. I strongly suspect that you had a friend (or thought you did) who did have some problems with her own living.

All my opinion. Please remit the appropriate fees

 

[Wicker Man]

Well P50 im 33 years old in case you were wondering and this has happened before...just not for a while and usually in romantic relationships not friendships. Now if she wants to get rid of me as a friend thats her gig but she said I threatened her which isnt true and I dont want her printing out something she read into and then taking it to the police saying im some kind of stalker or something because cops always believe the woman (no offense to women or any cops on here). I erased all of her email addresses from my address book and pretty much erased her from my life. Oh and P50 the fee will be in the mail this afternoon or do you take PayPal? 😉

 

[Oddjob0226]

I'M a callous know-it-all jerk, but why is no one else's Spider-sense tingling on this?

Jane's in a bad marriage with a man who "blew his stack"... She tells you flat out she feels like she's in danger. The guy she is with is an abusing controler. Is he hitting her? Even if he isn't, he's causing her damage. She's now not allowed to socialize with her friends. An ADULT WOMAN being 'not allowed'... what else is going on in that house?

So why is she cutting you off? She feels threatened? Offended? No - she's scared of her husband and is brushing you off so she doesn't get "in trouble" at home. Her husband is restricting her Internet use. She's cutting herself off from the bigger world by closing her e-mails. Who does that? This is a serious situation.

I just went through an orientation session at a local domestic abuse center, and honestly, nothing I learned there was really new. I went to that so that I could do some volunteer work at their resale shop. I wanted to do THAT because so many women I knew and grew up with - and a few I met along the way - have been through all sorts of abusive relationships. It seems to be endless.

Wick, this is not about YOU. It's about her. She is in danger. Help her out. Don't "heal" over this; step in to help her so you won't be healing over the corpse of someone who needed you but you didn't see it because you were focused on you. Those ghosts don't go away. Something bad is happening in this situation.

 

[Wicker Man]

Oddjob I cant help her and when I DID offer she alluded to feeling threatened by me. Funny I offered to come down and get the authorities on her husband and resolve her safety issue and she felt threatened. Well tell you what oddjob if I try to help her shes gonna call the police...ON ME!!! That workshop is interesting that you attended however because my cousin was an abused wife. Her darling hubby used to burn her arms with lit cigarettes. Funny HE only went to jail for like a night becase she always bailed him out, never understood that but as you probably know its common from what I hear. Strange. Thanx for the intelligent response oddjob and its nice to meet you. 😎

 

[WorkInProgress]

Saying she "felt threatened" isn't quite the same as saying you threatened her. I think the main thing is, she's in a marriage where there's no trust, and that's sad. I know of an instance where a married man broke off a friendship with a woman he'd been close to for years, a friendship which had never been a romance but still his wife was jealous. I told the hurt woman, "His biggest mistake was marrying the bitch to begin with." And I know what it's like to be married to your enemy. By the way, hi, neighbor.

 

[Oddjob0226]

I'm just really really worried about this woman.

 

[Wicker Man]

Hey WorkinProgress! Good to see a fellow New Yorker! Now I agree with you about the difference between threatening someone and feeling threatened but as I said in my initial post...I IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM THREATENED THIS WOMAN PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY OR SPRITUALLY WHATSOEVER! However if she calls the cops who do you think theyre gonna believe? Even if she shows them a print out with no threat the cops will at the very least take me to the station and Oddjob this ties in with your point. She made it abundantly clear that if I ever email or commucate to her in any way shell call the authorities. Her hubbys allowed to beat her but I cant call or email her. Sorry oddjob but im not going to jail again, im on a years probation as it is (nothing violent, only a second degree misdemeanor) and my P.O. would go through the roof if she read this thread.

 

[BigJim]

For what it's worth mate, I think she was more threatened by her own feelings than by you. She's feeling shaken and insecure after her hubby went loopy and she overreacted.

Don't beat yourself up about it, it'll all turn out okay. 🙂

 

[WorkInProgress]

I have to agree with Wickerman on this: No matter how bad her situation is, he's not the right person to intervene. There's a time to sacrifice yourself for someone else, and there's a time to save your own neck. I think that for someone, especially someone who is on probation, to try to rescue an adult woman who has told him to stay away on threat of authorities being called would be an undue risk. However bad her situation is, she's going to have to make her own choices, because risking yourself to rescue someone who does not want to be rescued by you is risking yourself for the wrong cause. And believe me, I am not an adherent to "every man for himself and devil take the hindmost," I'm just an adherent to "to every thing there is a season," and I think this is the reason where "the better part of valor is discretion."

 

[Wicker Man]

"The better part of valor is discretion" EXACTLY!! Work, you said exactly what I feel inside. Do I want to help this woman? Of course I do! BUT... Will I accept the penalty of going back to jail, violating my probation on a possible stalking charge? Sorry guys but the answer is no and im not being selfish here but Rikers Island is a bad place and this woman DOESNT WANT MY HELP!!! In fact she forbids it!! This is an internet friend who I dont even know what she looks like not to sound snippy and cruel but cmon you have to be realistic! Shes an adult and she made a choice to reject my help and I have to respect that...or I violate my probation and its behind bars again. Sorry but survival must come first, theres no S on my chest when I take off my coat. WorkinProgress gets it exactly, I guess all New Yorkers think alike! 😉