For Us Trekkies: Two Classic TNG Parodies

[TicklishLurker]

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript
[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"

[Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

. . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

[Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"

[Data] "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

. . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called
the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard] "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo"

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

[Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"

[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"

[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but appearently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it
often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."

 

[TicklishLurker]

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships decloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you
select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.
The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light
blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*!
I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel
and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications
channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by
the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches
some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back
on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person
wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized
in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the
usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few
seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything
with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
Captain?

 

[milagros317]

LMAO 😛 😛
Both very funny. 😀

 

[storyteller]

Creative sarcasm toward Gates and PCs! I've used both Macs and PCs and as Data would probably say, "I can detect no discernible difference."

 

[Illtcklu]

Very funny TL!

 

[tickleterror]

LMAO, those were both hilarious.