Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My brother is a golf pro, but I don’t see how he can keep that job. According to club members, his work is always sub-par.
Customer: “I’d like some product for treating an ache.”
Pharmacist: “Where is it located?”
Customer: “How the hell would I know? This is your store!”
My wife’s nickname is Bambi. She thinks it’s for of her big doe-like eyes; it’s actually because I’m the one who really shot her mother.
The chemical elements can be a great source of humor. There are 118 of them, from hydrogen to oganesson, and every one has a joke attached. I tell them periodically.
There’s no excuse for people who use words incorrectly. They should of paid better attention in school.
When you go through as many condoms as I do, you really need to shop at Costco. They have a great return policy.
What did one priest say to another after their Catholic orphanage was saved from fire without a single casualty?
“Let us prey.”
I call my watch dog Mighty Oak, but don’t worry. He’s mostly bark.
Bouncer: “I’m afraid I’m going to have go ask you to leave, sir.”
Drunk: “Me? How come?”
Bouncer: “One: you’re obviously drunk. Two: you’re acting obnoxious. Three: this is my damn trampoline.”
Logging has caused the loss of many old-growth forests, but world governments are now planting new trees to take their place. That certainly is a releaf.
Straight men use “radar” to find a sex partner, while gay men use “gaydar”. I have my own special method... it’s called “paydar”.
Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. Not only are they used to pain, but they’ve had plenty of experience buying jewelry.
My auntie was born on February 29th. She looks surprisingly old for her age.
After retirement, I toyed with the idea of becoming a hitman. I have plenty of time to kill.
Brunette: “It’s such a tragedy! My boyfriend was injured in a car crash and now has only one foot!”
Blonde: “Count your blessings. Mine has only ever had six inches.”
There are two types of people in the business world: those who climb over others on the way to the top and those who get climbed on. Unfortunately, I’m in the ladder group.
A dog stands motionless in the same spot for hours. The reason: he’s on paws.
Curry powder is potent stuff. You gotta be careful with it... I snorted some once and nearly wound up in a korma.
University lab equipment can be quite limited. You won’t, for example, find any graduated cylinders.
A group of cowboys is camped at the edge of the woods, when they suddenly hear the ominous low beat of an Indian war tom-tom.
One grizzled old trail hand looks up from the campfire and says, “I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Neither do we,” a voice calls from the trees, “but our regular drummer is out sick.”
My New Years resolution is 3840 x 2160. These end-of-year TV sales are terrific!
He: “And what’s your New Year’s resolution, cutie?”
She: “Fuck you, asshole!”
He: “Man, what a great 2019 this’ll be!”[/FONT]
* * *
Customer: “I’d like some product for treating an ache.”
Pharmacist: “Where is it located?”
Customer: “How the hell would I know? This is your store!”
* * *
My wife’s nickname is Bambi. She thinks it’s for of her big doe-like eyes; it’s actually because I’m the one who really shot her mother.
* * *
The chemical elements can be a great source of humor. There are 118 of them, from hydrogen to oganesson, and every one has a joke attached. I tell them periodically.
* * *
There’s no excuse for people who use words incorrectly. They should of paid better attention in school.
* * *
When you go through as many condoms as I do, you really need to shop at Costco. They have a great return policy.
* * *
What did one priest say to another after their Catholic orphanage was saved from fire without a single casualty?
“Let us prey.”
* * *
I call my watch dog Mighty Oak, but don’t worry. He’s mostly bark.
* * *
Bouncer: “I’m afraid I’m going to have go ask you to leave, sir.”
Drunk: “Me? How come?”
Bouncer: “One: you’re obviously drunk. Two: you’re acting obnoxious. Three: this is my damn trampoline.”
* * *
Logging has caused the loss of many old-growth forests, but world governments are now planting new trees to take their place. That certainly is a releaf.
* * *
Straight men use “radar” to find a sex partner, while gay men use “gaydar”. I have my own special method... it’s called “paydar”.
* * *
Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. Not only are they used to pain, but they’ve had plenty of experience buying jewelry.
* * *
My auntie was born on February 29th. She looks surprisingly old for her age.
* * *
After retirement, I toyed with the idea of becoming a hitman. I have plenty of time to kill.
* * *
Brunette: “It’s such a tragedy! My boyfriend was injured in a car crash and now has only one foot!”
Blonde: “Count your blessings. Mine has only ever had six inches.”
* * *
There are two types of people in the business world: those who climb over others on the way to the top and those who get climbed on. Unfortunately, I’m in the ladder group.
* * *
A dog stands motionless in the same spot for hours. The reason: he’s on paws.
* * *
Curry powder is potent stuff. You gotta be careful with it... I snorted some once and nearly wound up in a korma.
* * *
University lab equipment can be quite limited. You won’t, for example, find any graduated cylinders.
* * *
A group of cowboys is camped at the edge of the woods, when they suddenly hear the ominous low beat of an Indian war tom-tom.
One grizzled old trail hand looks up from the campfire and says, “I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Neither do we,” a voice calls from the trees, “but our regular drummer is out sick.”
* * *
My New Years resolution is 3840 x 2160. These end-of-year TV sales are terrific!
* * *
He: “And what’s your New Year’s resolution, cutie?”
She: “Fuck you, asshole!”
He: “Man, what a great 2019 this’ll be!”[/FONT]
