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Friday night nyuks (10-1-21).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,971
Points
48
Q: During Communion, the priest hands out treats for the congregation to eat. These are supposed to represent the body of Christ. Why would Jesus ordain this?

A: Because he was the snackraficial lamb.

* * *​

Historians become indignant when Jesus is portrayed as white, but the Communion wafer is proof positive. Yep, Jesus was a cracker.

* * *​

Customer: "Hey waiter! My soup is cold!"

Waiter: "Sir, it's gazpacho."

Customer: "Hey gazpacho! My soup is cold!"

* * *​

I spent all of my son's college fund on a complete set of Playboys. Ever since, I've felt like such a jerk.

* * *​

Astronomer: "You flat-earthers are stupid! The Earth is round!"

Flat-Earther: "So is a pancake."

* * *​

"The Hound of the Baskervilles" is a novel about a spectral, unkillable mongrel bent on vengeance. It terrified me... I couldn't put it down.

* * *​

Hydra killed Tony Stark's parents on the cheap; it only cost them one Buck.

* * *​

We never use our stupid fireplace anymore. I got so sick of looking at it, I started taking the front of it apart with a crowbar. My wife says I've gone stark-raving crazy; well, I guess I am going through a mantle breakdown.

* * *​

Roman Catholics name their sons Christian; atheists name their sons Godfrey.

* * *​

As an 80 year old, I don't eat fresh food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

* * *​

Pocahontas tells us to paint with all the colors of the wind, but that's pointless. The wind only has one color: blew.

* * *​

Teacher says the new kid in our class is Mexican, but I'm pretty sure he's Greek. Everyone else is yelling at him, "Hey, Zeus!"

* * *​

Interviewer: "Ever done any hard drugs?"

Interviewee: "Does Viagra count?"

* * *​

I buy harmonicas by the case. That may seem like too many, but I blow right through 'em.

* * *​

She: "Mother, I'm so mortified! Jim spent the whole of our luxury ship cruise drunk!"

He: "I told you not to pick a room on the port side!"

* * *​

My wife sent me in for mental evaluation. When I got to the psychiatrist's office, I told him I wasn't her husband, I was a pair of lace curtains. He told me to pull myself together.

* * *​

Our local paper printed a pack of lies about me, AND I'M GOING TO SUE! She isn't a lawyer, but she knows some dirty secrets about the editor.

* * *​

My dead Uncle Frank was a kook! He left an inheritance, but only for those who'd chug a pint of beer from a mug containing a spoonful of his ashes. It's my turn now and I'm just not sure I can do it... Frank in stein is scary!

* * *​

Customer: "I'm looking for a sexual sofa."

Salesman: "I'm sorry, sir... do you mean a sectional sofa?"

Customer: "Whatever. I just want an occasional piece in my living room."

* * *​

Ever since I heard about it, I've wanted to get into the sex trade! I've got plenty of old collectibles I don't want anymore.

* * *​

A game poacher had a heart attack and died out in the woods. Years later, his corpse was found with a family of rabbits living inside his ribcage. His name: Warren.

* * *​

After working at Shakey's Pizza, my new job at Planned Parenthood should be a cinch! I'm already used to asking, "Take-out or delivery?"
 
Last edited:
LOL 😛
Great collection, as usual. 😀
My favorite:
Interviewer: "Ever done any hard drugs?"

Interviewee: "Does Viagra count?"
 
Thanks Milagros! 😀 Interesting favorites choice today! Puts the lie to "Don't Do Drugs!"
 
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