Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I met a guy while competing at the track meet and we started chatting during the 50 yard dash. It wasn't long before we became fast friends.
Two loonies escape from an asylum located near the Mojave Desert. They steal a rubber life raft and start frantically trying to paddle it across the sand. After four hours of getting nowhere, the first loony turns to his companion and sees that he's empty hands.
"Where's your oar?" the first man hollers.
"Sure does!" replies the second.
A customer called for reservations at my seafood restaurant and I told him it was located a Pier One. Well, he found the place all right, but insisted it was on Pier Two. I've had the place for years and know full well it's on Pier One, but when I went outside to check I found that it was indeed on Pier Two. How could Pier One and Pier Two possibly be in the same place? What a weird pair a' docks!
"I need some advice; I'm starting to lose my Twitter audience."
"Huh? Sorry, I don't follow you."
My sister works in two different strip clubs and each of them has the exact same equipment problem. She like to tell people she has a bipolar disorder.
Q: How can you tell if it's really R.E.M. at your front door?
A: Look through the shiny, happy peep-hole.
The best wrist watch I've ever owned was given to me as a gift. There's no time like the present!
He: "Thanks to that new bathroom scale, I'll always know how much I poop!"
She: "What a clever idea! Weigh yourself before using the toilet, then weigh yourself again afterward!"
He: "Oh... yeah, I guess you could do it that way too."
When I think about all the precious people I've lost over the years, it makes me ponder: maybe tour guide wasn't my best career choice.
After his DUI, my brother swore he'd quit drinking. And he was as good as his word... last week, he died of dehydration.
I've considered getting myself a snakeskin suit. In fact, I just went down to a retail store and had a hissy fit.
Hear about the Emo a cappella group? So much self-harmony!
I survived a terrible fall without a parachute. I expect to have a terrible winter now and still don't see any reason to own one.
Whenever I take my dog to the park, he gets attacked by ducks! Last damn time I buy a pure bread!
The town pastor has been bugging me to forget my atheism and start a Bible Studies class. Well, I told ol' Mister P to forget it; I never engage in BS.
He: "You say you're called Alora? Now there's a name you don't hear every day!"
She: "Actually, I do."
The bus driver hollered, "Two bucks, Mac," even before I got to the steps. I couldn't be offended... he did give me fare warning.
Library patron: "Where do I find the books on childbirth?"
Librarian: "Try looking in C Section."
I was on the tennis court at 10 PM, smacking balls against the practice wall, when neighbors started yelling out their windows for me to knock off the noise. Well, I needed to improve my game but didn't want to get into trouble... so I kept practicing without the racket.
My girlfriend keeps dropping hints about having a dream wedding. She'll be pleased to hear I feel exactly the same way: no way I want to do it for real either.
Home Depot has offered 100 ft. coils of rope for $2.00 apiece. It's a fantastic deal, but I wasn't interested; I hate long good buys.
During the Last Supper, Jesus took up the bread and broke it, handing it to his disciples while stating, "Take this and eat it, for this is my body." He then poured out wine and said, "Take this and drink it, for this is my blood." Needless to say, everyone got very nervous when his hand strayed toward the mayonnaise jar.
* * *
Two loonies escape from an asylum located near the Mojave Desert. They steal a rubber life raft and start frantically trying to paddle it across the sand. After four hours of getting nowhere, the first loony turns to his companion and sees that he's empty hands.
"Where's your oar?" the first man hollers.
"Sure does!" replies the second.
* * *
A customer called for reservations at my seafood restaurant and I told him it was located a Pier One. Well, he found the place all right, but insisted it was on Pier Two. I've had the place for years and know full well it's on Pier One, but when I went outside to check I found that it was indeed on Pier Two. How could Pier One and Pier Two possibly be in the same place? What a weird pair a' docks!
* * *
"I need some advice; I'm starting to lose my Twitter audience."
"Huh? Sorry, I don't follow you."
* * *
My sister works in two different strip clubs and each of them has the exact same equipment problem. She like to tell people she has a bipolar disorder.
* * *
Q: How can you tell if it's really R.E.M. at your front door?
A: Look through the shiny, happy peep-hole.
* * *
The best wrist watch I've ever owned was given to me as a gift. There's no time like the present!
* * *
He: "Thanks to that new bathroom scale, I'll always know how much I poop!"
She: "What a clever idea! Weigh yourself before using the toilet, then weigh yourself again afterward!"
He: "Oh... yeah, I guess you could do it that way too."
* * *
When I think about all the precious people I've lost over the years, it makes me ponder: maybe tour guide wasn't my best career choice.
* * *
After his DUI, my brother swore he'd quit drinking. And he was as good as his word... last week, he died of dehydration.
* * *
I've considered getting myself a snakeskin suit. In fact, I just went down to a retail store and had a hissy fit.
* * *
Hear about the Emo a cappella group? So much self-harmony!
* * *
I survived a terrible fall without a parachute. I expect to have a terrible winter now and still don't see any reason to own one.
* * *
Whenever I take my dog to the park, he gets attacked by ducks! Last damn time I buy a pure bread!
* * *
The town pastor has been bugging me to forget my atheism and start a Bible Studies class. Well, I told ol' Mister P to forget it; I never engage in BS.
* * *
He: "You say you're called Alora? Now there's a name you don't hear every day!"
She: "Actually, I do."
* * *
The bus driver hollered, "Two bucks, Mac," even before I got to the steps. I couldn't be offended... he did give me fare warning.
* * *
Library patron: "Where do I find the books on childbirth?"
Librarian: "Try looking in C Section."
* * *
I was on the tennis court at 10 PM, smacking balls against the practice wall, when neighbors started yelling out their windows for me to knock off the noise. Well, I needed to improve my game but didn't want to get into trouble... so I kept practicing without the racket.
* * *
My girlfriend keeps dropping hints about having a dream wedding. She'll be pleased to hear I feel exactly the same way: no way I want to do it for real either.
* * *
Home Depot has offered 100 ft. coils of rope for $2.00 apiece. It's a fantastic deal, but I wasn't interested; I hate long good buys.
* * *
During the Last Supper, Jesus took up the bread and broke it, handing it to his disciples while stating, "Take this and eat it, for this is my body." He then poured out wine and said, "Take this and drink it, for this is my blood." Needless to say, everyone got very nervous when his hand strayed toward the mayonnaise jar.
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