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Friday night nyuks (11-22-19).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,971
Points
48
Q: What does The Rock do after he drinks four gallons of water?

A: Dwayne Johnson.

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I went to a big stadium to watch the greyhounds race. Lousy false advertising! I didn't see a single bus on the track!

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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than my house?

A: No. Kangaroos jump only 6 feet high; my house jumped over $10,000 in equity last year.

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Hear about the bull who bought a bad car? He lost his steering and had to hoof it.

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One of my kids, who will remain nameless, annoyed the hell out of me this morning. He kept whining that I should give him a name.

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Hotel Rwanda got a great Rotten Tomato score. On Yelp, not so good.

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"My aunt's Zodiac sign was Cancer. Cruelly ironic, considering the way she died."

"Don't me that she... "

"Yep. She was attacked by a giant crab."

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Both my brother and I are underwear artists. We're a pair of drawers.

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Q: Which Central European nation was founded by a circus clown?

A: Chuckles-slovakia

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The US really ought to send foreign aid to Venice. I hear that the streets are flooded.

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"Avengers Endgame" is unwatchable by vegans... way too much at steak.

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My wife and I named both of our twin girls Catherine. We consider them dupli-Kates.

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When beekeepers buy replacements, the tenth drone is always complimentary. That's one of the profession's perks: loads of free bees!

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As my project for the Science Fair, I made a miniature atom bomb. School security wasn't happy, but the judges were blown away!

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The big new trend in fast food is trying to turn plants into hamburger meat. It's so unnecessary when you think about it: cows have been doing that all along.

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When my toddler was in the bathroom, he pulled a full bottle of baby shampoo off the shelf and it knocked him square on the head. No More Tears my ass!

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Q: What did Gandalf do when the eagles arrived to rescue him from Isengard?

A: Fly, you fools.

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I'm the very first art school student to invent a brand new color! The teacher is so impressed with my creativity; he says it's a pigment of my imagination!

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Men who work in metal foundries are notorious for creating bad odors. According to the well known phrase, whoever smelt it dealt it.

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My next-door neighbor just got busted for growing marijuana. Evidently the property line isn't exactly where I thought it was.

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Q: How well did Prince Andrew handle his recent interview?

A: Hey, no sweat!

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Pediatrician: "Mrs. Smith, does your daughter always stutter like that?"

Mrs. Smith: "Oh no, not always. Only when she tries to speak
 
LOL 😛
Great collection, as usual. My favorite:

One of my kids, who will remain nameless, annoyed the hell out of me this morning. He kept whining that I should give him a name.
 
Thank you Milagros! I can identify with the humor’s sentiments... I’ve got exactly the same name that my dad had (just as he had, going back four generations). It’s led to a lot of annoying confusion; how I often wish I’d been christened something unique!
 
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