Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I’ve always said the world is round; my pal said it’s flat, and wanted to prove it by walking from one side to the other. But he soon came around.
Teacher: “Do any of you children know a foreign language?”
Johnny: “I do: ‘you goddamn sleazy bitch’.”
Teacher: “Johnny! Where did you get the idea you could speak that way to me!”
Johnny: “My dad taught me to! He talks to my mom like that then says, ‘Pardon my French’!”
When I was at the cemetery yesterday, I came across the plot for our old town mayor. His headstone reads, “An honest man and a proud politician”... I’m not sure why they put two guys in the same grave.
An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A pessimist sees it as half-empty. A chemist sees it as half water, half air.
Organic chemistry can be a difficult subject; those who study it will encounter problems of alkynes.
Teacher: “What would happen if your temperature was lowered to absolute zero?”
Student: “You’d be OK.”
It was a romantic day at the subatomic state fair; a hydrogen atom gave a carbon atom a benzene ring. They celebrated on the ferrous wheel.
My creative writing teacher tells me I better quit mixing metaphors if I ever hope to become a professional author. I say I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.
“I understand your dad gave a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation about the importance of birth control.”
“Not exactly. He was actually showing slides from our family vacation.”
My uncle keeps pieces of antique farm equipment in his barn. In olden days, we would have called them “slaves”.
Birthdays are weird; your mom did all the work, but you get all the credit.
I must be eating too many sweets. My doctor is quite concerned about my sugar-blood level.
Blonde: “You may have put my boyfriend behind bars, but you can’t believe he doesn’t deserve more privileges! Look at all the hard work he has to do!”
Warden: “What hard work? He’s the prison librarian!”
Blonde: “Sure, during the day! But what about that tunnel he’s digging at night!”
I’m taking pains to get my wife exactly what she wants for Valentine’s Day. She sure is gonna do a lot of great baking with this assortment of flours!
The emperor insisted that his subject bow to him ten times while in his presence; the people only wanted it to be five times and finally rebelled. The two sides had unreconcilable deferences.
Chichén Itzá is not yours... it’s Mayan.
The more successful a German prostitute is, the more polite she becomes. Popularity makes her better männered
When I was in elementary school, I had to put my grades up for adoption. I couldn’t raise them by myself.
California bivalves are being endangered by the burgeoning otter population, but the lazy workers at the EPA won’t transport these poor mollusks to a safer environment. They refuse to move a mussel.
I bought a single item from that furniture store and now they won’t stop calling me. It was just one nightstand.
A baby’s laughter is one of the sweetest, most soothing sounds you will ever hear. Unless, of course, it happens to be 3:00 AM. And your wife is out of town that night. And you don’t have a baby.
I just read a book called “1,000 Places You Should See Before You Die”. Surprisingly, “hospital” isn’t on the list.
Netflix is disturbed that many viewers find multiple murderer Ted Bundy from their recent “Conversations with a Killer” program to be ‘hot’. These sickos should know better. Ted Bundy is definitely not hot. He died in the electric chair way back in 1989, so he must have cooled off by now.[/FONT]
* * *
Teacher: “Do any of you children know a foreign language?”
Johnny: “I do: ‘you goddamn sleazy bitch’.”
Teacher: “Johnny! Where did you get the idea you could speak that way to me!”
Johnny: “My dad taught me to! He talks to my mom like that then says, ‘Pardon my French’!”
* * *
When I was at the cemetery yesterday, I came across the plot for our old town mayor. His headstone reads, “An honest man and a proud politician”... I’m not sure why they put two guys in the same grave.
* * *
An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A pessimist sees it as half-empty. A chemist sees it as half water, half air.
* * *
Organic chemistry can be a difficult subject; those who study it will encounter problems of alkynes.
* * *
Teacher: “What would happen if your temperature was lowered to absolute zero?”
Student: “You’d be OK.”
* * *
It was a romantic day at the subatomic state fair; a hydrogen atom gave a carbon atom a benzene ring. They celebrated on the ferrous wheel.
* * *
My creative writing teacher tells me I better quit mixing metaphors if I ever hope to become a professional author. I say I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.
* * *
“I understand your dad gave a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation about the importance of birth control.”
“Not exactly. He was actually showing slides from our family vacation.”
* * *
My uncle keeps pieces of antique farm equipment in his barn. In olden days, we would have called them “slaves”.
* * *
Birthdays are weird; your mom did all the work, but you get all the credit.
* * *
I must be eating too many sweets. My doctor is quite concerned about my sugar-blood level.
* * *
Blonde: “You may have put my boyfriend behind bars, but you can’t believe he doesn’t deserve more privileges! Look at all the hard work he has to do!”
Warden: “What hard work? He’s the prison librarian!”
Blonde: “Sure, during the day! But what about that tunnel he’s digging at night!”
* * *
I’m taking pains to get my wife exactly what she wants for Valentine’s Day. She sure is gonna do a lot of great baking with this assortment of flours!
* * *
The emperor insisted that his subject bow to him ten times while in his presence; the people only wanted it to be five times and finally rebelled. The two sides had unreconcilable deferences.
* * *
Chichén Itzá is not yours... it’s Mayan.
* * *
The more successful a German prostitute is, the more polite she becomes. Popularity makes her better männered
* * *
When I was in elementary school, I had to put my grades up for adoption. I couldn’t raise them by myself.
* * *
California bivalves are being endangered by the burgeoning otter population, but the lazy workers at the EPA won’t transport these poor mollusks to a safer environment. They refuse to move a mussel.
* * *
I bought a single item from that furniture store and now they won’t stop calling me. It was just one nightstand.
* * *
A baby’s laughter is one of the sweetest, most soothing sounds you will ever hear. Unless, of course, it happens to be 3:00 AM. And your wife is out of town that night. And you don’t have a baby.
* * *
I just read a book called “1,000 Places You Should See Before You Die”. Surprisingly, “hospital” isn’t on the list.
* * *
Netflix is disturbed that many viewers find multiple murderer Ted Bundy from their recent “Conversations with a Killer” program to be ‘hot’. These sickos should know better. Ted Bundy is definitely not hot. He died in the electric chair way back in 1989, so he must have cooled off by now.[/FONT]
