Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Two-Face tries to trick Batman with clever crimes, but he's never managed to do it. That's because he's two Dents.
A friend of mine was experiencing terrible joint pain, but I was able to fix it. I encouraged him to start holding the unlit end.
"My brother's a botanist responsible for cross-breeding different plant strains. Last week, he tried to combine pears with apples. Know what the result's been?"
"I assume new fruit appears."
"You're right! That's exactly what he calls them!"
In my experience, the best starter pet for a child is a hamster. They only live for five days and don't need any food or water!
She: "Is it true that you were locked up in a mental institution?"
He: "Yeah, it's true... I was there. But on the positive side, I wasn't all there!"
My girlfriend has an unusual medical condition... one of her breasts is excessively sweaty. Call me shallow, but the situation has caused me to find her less sexually exciting: t'ain't the heat, it's the humid titty.
Q: What should you do if a praying mantis complains about her husband?
A: Get her some Alka-Seltzer.
Certain dog breeders think pugs are adorable and have worked out a genetic treatment to make them twice as wrinkly. They find the result super attractive; I find it repugnant.
"My dad deals with gross domestic product every day."
"He's an economist, then?"
"Nope. A garbageman."
My girlfriend dragged me to see a new production of "Jesus Christ Superstar". Well, they could barely get the show off the ground... during the performance, one of the characters started singing in a whole different key than the orchestra. At first I thought the mistake was due to faulty instruments, but it turned out to be Pilate error.
Q: How do you get an Arts graduate to move on?
A: Just pay him for the damn pizza!
My dad has a special recipe for Chicken Napoleon. He's proud of it, but I caution you not to sample any... he uses only the boney parts.
Jew: "Why do you Christians feast on Easter?"
Christian: "Because after three days, the Lamb has risen!"
Jew: "Phooey! We Jews wait for eight days and bread hasn't risen yet!"
The less homeopathic medicine I use, the better I feel... I guess it's working.
Prince Charming held a big meet on his castle grounds and Cinderella was a favorite to win. She was doing well until she threw a shoe during the 12:00 dash... her coach quit soon afterward.
When I told my girlfriend I'd like to get frisky with her, she told me to show some restraint! That's so great! I didn't realize she was into bondage too!
Q: What did Pinocchio do when a beetle presumed to speak a few words of wisdom to him?
A: He let it be.
My new British girlfriend is wild... never refuses a shag, has fine tits and even swallows! That said, her bird rescue work frequently interferes with our sex life.
TASS: "Our navy's glorious flagship Moskva is currently underwater. That's right, to evade a dastardly Ukrainian missile attack, it cleverly turned into a submarine!"
A new fast food joint just opened and it's a bit odd... you never know when your food will be ready or where you should pick it up. The place is called Heisenburgers.
My neighbor is lording it over me because he can sell his house for twice as much as mine. Turns out it's true: he can claim he lives next to a doctor, while I have to admit I live next to a sex offender.
Mario's mom: "What's the matter, little Mario? Tell me why you're crying!"
Little Mario: "The other kids at school are picking on me! They say because my family's Italian, I must be a gangster!"
Mario's mom: "Don't worry about it, dear. Tomorrow I'll go down there and straighten everything out."
Little Mario: "But you're gonna make it look like an accident, right?"
* * *
A friend of mine was experiencing terrible joint pain, but I was able to fix it. I encouraged him to start holding the unlit end.
* * *
"My brother's a botanist responsible for cross-breeding different plant strains. Last week, he tried to combine pears with apples. Know what the result's been?"
"I assume new fruit appears."
"You're right! That's exactly what he calls them!"
* * *
In my experience, the best starter pet for a child is a hamster. They only live for five days and don't need any food or water!
* * *
She: "Is it true that you were locked up in a mental institution?"
He: "Yeah, it's true... I was there. But on the positive side, I wasn't all there!"
* * *
My girlfriend has an unusual medical condition... one of her breasts is excessively sweaty. Call me shallow, but the situation has caused me to find her less sexually exciting: t'ain't the heat, it's the humid titty.
* * *
Q: What should you do if a praying mantis complains about her husband?
A: Get her some Alka-Seltzer.
* * *
Certain dog breeders think pugs are adorable and have worked out a genetic treatment to make them twice as wrinkly. They find the result super attractive; I find it repugnant.
* * *
"My dad deals with gross domestic product every day."
"He's an economist, then?"
"Nope. A garbageman."
* * *
My girlfriend dragged me to see a new production of "Jesus Christ Superstar". Well, they could barely get the show off the ground... during the performance, one of the characters started singing in a whole different key than the orchestra. At first I thought the mistake was due to faulty instruments, but it turned out to be Pilate error.
* * *
Q: How do you get an Arts graduate to move on?
A: Just pay him for the damn pizza!
* * *
My dad has a special recipe for Chicken Napoleon. He's proud of it, but I caution you not to sample any... he uses only the boney parts.
* * *
Jew: "Why do you Christians feast on Easter?"
Christian: "Because after three days, the Lamb has risen!"
Jew: "Phooey! We Jews wait for eight days and bread hasn't risen yet!"
* * *
The less homeopathic medicine I use, the better I feel... I guess it's working.
* * *
Prince Charming held a big meet on his castle grounds and Cinderella was a favorite to win. She was doing well until she threw a shoe during the 12:00 dash... her coach quit soon afterward.
* * *
When I told my girlfriend I'd like to get frisky with her, she told me to show some restraint! That's so great! I didn't realize she was into bondage too!
* * *
Q: What did Pinocchio do when a beetle presumed to speak a few words of wisdom to him?
A: He let it be.
* * *
My new British girlfriend is wild... never refuses a shag, has fine tits and even swallows! That said, her bird rescue work frequently interferes with our sex life.
* * *
TASS: "Our navy's glorious flagship Moskva is currently underwater. That's right, to evade a dastardly Ukrainian missile attack, it cleverly turned into a submarine!"
* * *
A new fast food joint just opened and it's a bit odd... you never know when your food will be ready or where you should pick it up. The place is called Heisenburgers.
* * *
My neighbor is lording it over me because he can sell his house for twice as much as mine. Turns out it's true: he can claim he lives next to a doctor, while I have to admit I live next to a sex offender.
* * *
Mario's mom: "What's the matter, little Mario? Tell me why you're crying!"
Little Mario: "The other kids at school are picking on me! They say because my family's Italian, I must be a gangster!"
Mario's mom: "Don't worry about it, dear. Tomorrow I'll go down there and straighten everything out."
Little Mario: "But you're gonna make it look like an accident, right?"
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