Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I hate to have to kiss anyone's ass, but you know the old saying: when life gives you lemons, pucker up.
Daffy Duck's least favorite movie: "Kill Bill".
My uncle, a railway engineer, thinks he could easily quarterback a professional football team. The way he sees it, he's been in training most of his life.
Detective: "You're under arrest for stealing and entire set of encyclopedias!"
Suspect: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
I don't think the Spanish understand the talking animals in Warner Brothers cartoons. Why else would they constantly be asking, "Porque pig?"
"I need three square feet of turf. Now where am I gonna find that?"
"You might try looking at a yard sale."
It said "Black tie only" on the invitation. Imagine my confusion when I found the rest of the guests wearing shirts and pants!
If you've never before seen a Star Wars film, you may think that Chewbaca is an Ewok. It's a classic Wookie mistake.
Antifa condemns me simply because I said that I could happily do away with an entire race. I never knew they were such big fans of Nascar.
Behavioral scientists have been conducting tests to study the affects of cannabis on seabirds. It's quite exhaustive: they're leaving no tern unstoned.
When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, he was heard to say, "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Since "man" and "mankind" are basically the same thing, he later claimed that the transmission had been garbled. What he really said was, "No damn way a cow could ever jump over this!"
When the Lone Ranger sent Tonto up ahead to spy out the trail, he made history. He became the first person ever to use a search Injun.
I can't use wooden utensils in my frying pan... it's non-stick.
Q: What is the best pistol to use when threatening Dwayne Johnson?
A: The smallest one. It'll hurt less when he jams it up your ass.
After 328 days cooped up aboard the International Space Station, astronaut Christina Koch has returned to Earth. Bet she's happy for the opportunity to get out be among people again!
Nut to bolt: "Nope! Not without a washer!"
Franklin Roosevelt is generally considered to be one the best US presidents, but it sounds to me like he was a pervert. Why else would he be so obsessed with a nude eel?
Since the nuclear bomb tests, the Marshal Islands have become popular for nude sunbathing: no bikini at all.
My fishing buddy claims we can catch more trout if we take the worms off our hooks. I think that's debaitable.
Witnesses didn't see the murder take place, but did hear it. They described the sounds as "clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop, pow! pow! pow! clip, clop, clip clop". Detectives determined that it must have been an Amish drive-by shooting.
My wife insists on jogging right after sex. That woman... give her an inch and she'll take a mile!
I'm so into social distancing now, I'm even doing it with my fridge. I figure it's the best way to flatten the curve.
* * *
Daffy Duck's least favorite movie: "Kill Bill".
* * *
My uncle, a railway engineer, thinks he could easily quarterback a professional football team. The way he sees it, he's been in training most of his life.
* * *
Detective: "You're under arrest for stealing and entire set of encyclopedias!"
Suspect: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
* * *
I don't think the Spanish understand the talking animals in Warner Brothers cartoons. Why else would they constantly be asking, "Porque pig?"
* * *
"I need three square feet of turf. Now where am I gonna find that?"
"You might try looking at a yard sale."
* * *
It said "Black tie only" on the invitation. Imagine my confusion when I found the rest of the guests wearing shirts and pants!
* * *
If you've never before seen a Star Wars film, you may think that Chewbaca is an Ewok. It's a classic Wookie mistake.
* * *
Antifa condemns me simply because I said that I could happily do away with an entire race. I never knew they were such big fans of Nascar.
* * *
Behavioral scientists have been conducting tests to study the affects of cannabis on seabirds. It's quite exhaustive: they're leaving no tern unstoned.
* * *
When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, he was heard to say, "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Since "man" and "mankind" are basically the same thing, he later claimed that the transmission had been garbled. What he really said was, "No damn way a cow could ever jump over this!"
* * *
When the Lone Ranger sent Tonto up ahead to spy out the trail, he made history. He became the first person ever to use a search Injun.
* * *
I can't use wooden utensils in my frying pan... it's non-stick.
* * *
Q: What is the best pistol to use when threatening Dwayne Johnson?
A: The smallest one. It'll hurt less when he jams it up your ass.
* * *
After 328 days cooped up aboard the International Space Station, astronaut Christina Koch has returned to Earth. Bet she's happy for the opportunity to get out be among people again!
* * *
Nut to bolt: "Nope! Not without a washer!"
* * *
Franklin Roosevelt is generally considered to be one the best US presidents, but it sounds to me like he was a pervert. Why else would he be so obsessed with a nude eel?
* * *
Since the nuclear bomb tests, the Marshal Islands have become popular for nude sunbathing: no bikini at all.
* * *
My fishing buddy claims we can catch more trout if we take the worms off our hooks. I think that's debaitable.
* * *
Witnesses didn't see the murder take place, but did hear it. They described the sounds as "clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop, pow! pow! pow! clip, clop, clip clop". Detectives determined that it must have been an Amish drive-by shooting.
* * *
My wife insists on jogging right after sex. That woman... give her an inch and she'll take a mile!
* * *
I'm so into social distancing now, I'm even doing it with my fridge. I figure it's the best way to flatten the curve.
