Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Kim Kardshian is frequently a target of humor, but lately she's also become well known for her generous charity endeavors. Any time her name comes up, you can count on someone mentioning her largesse!
I like telling my kids "dad" jokes, but in retrospect some of them have probably been too subtle to qualify. I suppose that makes me guilty of a few faux pas.
Brunette: "I hear you got your boyfriend a naval destroyer for his birthday. What scale miniature was it?"
Blonde: "It's not miniature at all! It's full sized!"
Brunette: "How could you possibly afford an expensive gift like that?"
Blonde: "Expensive? What's so expensive about pounding a nail through a hula hoop?"
To lose weight, I've started doing tons of push-ups. Turns out they aren't any less fattening than ordinary ice cream.
Q: How can you tell if a mouth has an even or odd number of teeth without counting them?
A: Extract one. Check its square root.
I thought my sister was just short... turns out she has Duck's Disease! Waddle she do!
Tony Stark got Captain America, Thor, Ant Man, the Wasp and the Hulk Leggo kits for Christmas. Avengers, assemble!
I've seen more UFOs than anyone I know! Since I live in Roswell New Mexico, that's no surprise! I think that's the town's name, anyway... my cataracts are awfully bad.
Disneyland has just opened a new ride based on the "Inside Out" movies. Patrons say it's an emotional rollercoaster.
My daughter likes to play hippy... my son likes to play ninja. It's the perfect domestic situation: plenty of peace and quiet.
Little known fact: NASA made a broadcast into space to say sorry after one of its moon rockets ran into and wrecked a flying saucer. The official name for this mission of interplanetary regret: Apollo-G.
I burned down every building in our neighborhood; while the civil authorities want to punish me, it is a comfort to know I'll still be welcome in Heaven. Our pastor has long insisted that Jesus forgives all arsons!
Q: When Bruce Banner transforms into a giant green monster, his principle attribute is rage. This alter ego is known as the Incredible Hulk. Once he changes back, his primary trait is depression. What is he known as then?
A: The Incredible Sulk.
It's no secret why Marvel Comics uses the Hulk in so much of its advertising: he provides the biggest Banner in comics!
I'm prone to obesity, so I eat cake on only two special occasions: (1) when it's my birthday, and (2) when it's anyone else's birthday.
Don Quixote has been popular for over 400 years. Even so, if ever you should meet it would be unwise to tell him you're a big fan.
I'm in the honey business; last week, some vandal sealed the exits to all my hives with putty! Unbelievable!
Q: What award does the Best Dentist of the Year receive?
A: A large trophy.
Q: What award does the Worst Dentist of the Year receive?
A: A little plaque.
When I was a youngster, we were too poor to afford a dog or a cat... if I wanted a pet, I had to pry a clam loose from the pier and drag it home on a leash. Don't laugh! You think it was easy to walk all that way with a pulled mussel?
He: "Hey Siri, I've got a question: how come I do so badly with women?"
She: "Asshole! My name is Alexa, not Siri!"
In my county, the deer population is under threat due to there being too few does and too many bucks. As an answer, Fish and Wildlife Services has come up with a novel plan: agents intend to capture male deer and perform sex reassignment surgery to turn them into females. It should be a real game changer!
A traffic officer drives to the scene of a wreck where he finds a blonde crawling out of her smashed car.
"How did the accident happen?" he questions.
"It was the weirdest thing!" the blonde stammers. "I was driving down the road, when suddenly there it was! A tree right directly in front of me!"
"A tree. Here in the middle of the downtown area," the officer muses.
"I know, right? It was so crazy! So I swerved to one side, only to find I was heading directly into another tree!"
"What did you do then?" the officer asks.
"Well, I swerved the other way and wouldn't you know it... another tree, directly in front of me! I guess I must have hit it, 'cause here I am, flipped over right in the middle of the street!"
"Let me take a look at your vehicle," the cop offers. "Maybe it'll provide some clues."
The officer examines the car for fifteen minutes, then returns.
"Whatta you think?" the blonde cries anxiously. "Have you figured out a way to keep this from happening again?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have," the cop replies. "From now on, don't hang that air freshener from your rearview mirror."
* * *
I like telling my kids "dad" jokes, but in retrospect some of them have probably been too subtle to qualify. I suppose that makes me guilty of a few faux pas.
* * *
Brunette: "I hear you got your boyfriend a naval destroyer for his birthday. What scale miniature was it?"
Blonde: "It's not miniature at all! It's full sized!"
Brunette: "How could you possibly afford an expensive gift like that?"
Blonde: "Expensive? What's so expensive about pounding a nail through a hula hoop?"
* * *
To lose weight, I've started doing tons of push-ups. Turns out they aren't any less fattening than ordinary ice cream.
* * *
Q: How can you tell if a mouth has an even or odd number of teeth without counting them?
A: Extract one. Check its square root.
* * *
I thought my sister was just short... turns out she has Duck's Disease! Waddle she do!
* * *
Tony Stark got Captain America, Thor, Ant Man, the Wasp and the Hulk Leggo kits for Christmas. Avengers, assemble!
* * *
I've seen more UFOs than anyone I know! Since I live in Roswell New Mexico, that's no surprise! I think that's the town's name, anyway... my cataracts are awfully bad.
* * *
Disneyland has just opened a new ride based on the "Inside Out" movies. Patrons say it's an emotional rollercoaster.
* * *
My daughter likes to play hippy... my son likes to play ninja. It's the perfect domestic situation: plenty of peace and quiet.
* * *
Little known fact: NASA made a broadcast into space to say sorry after one of its moon rockets ran into and wrecked a flying saucer. The official name for this mission of interplanetary regret: Apollo-G.
* * *
I burned down every building in our neighborhood; while the civil authorities want to punish me, it is a comfort to know I'll still be welcome in Heaven. Our pastor has long insisted that Jesus forgives all arsons!
* * *
Q: When Bruce Banner transforms into a giant green monster, his principle attribute is rage. This alter ego is known as the Incredible Hulk. Once he changes back, his primary trait is depression. What is he known as then?
A: The Incredible Sulk.
* * *
It's no secret why Marvel Comics uses the Hulk in so much of its advertising: he provides the biggest Banner in comics!
* * *
I'm prone to obesity, so I eat cake on only two special occasions: (1) when it's my birthday, and (2) when it's anyone else's birthday.
* * *
Don Quixote has been popular for over 400 years. Even so, if ever you should meet it would be unwise to tell him you're a big fan.
* * *
I'm in the honey business; last week, some vandal sealed the exits to all my hives with putty! Unbelievable!
* * *
Q: What award does the Best Dentist of the Year receive?
A: A large trophy.
Q: What award does the Worst Dentist of the Year receive?
A: A little plaque.
* * *
When I was a youngster, we were too poor to afford a dog or a cat... if I wanted a pet, I had to pry a clam loose from the pier and drag it home on a leash. Don't laugh! You think it was easy to walk all that way with a pulled mussel?
* * *
He: "Hey Siri, I've got a question: how come I do so badly with women?"
She: "Asshole! My name is Alexa, not Siri!"
* * *
In my county, the deer population is under threat due to there being too few does and too many bucks. As an answer, Fish and Wildlife Services has come up with a novel plan: agents intend to capture male deer and perform sex reassignment surgery to turn them into females. It should be a real game changer!
* * *
A traffic officer drives to the scene of a wreck where he finds a blonde crawling out of her smashed car.
"How did the accident happen?" he questions.
"It was the weirdest thing!" the blonde stammers. "I was driving down the road, when suddenly there it was! A tree right directly in front of me!"
"A tree. Here in the middle of the downtown area," the officer muses.
"I know, right? It was so crazy! So I swerved to one side, only to find I was heading directly into another tree!"
"What did you do then?" the officer asks.
"Well, I swerved the other way and wouldn't you know it... another tree, directly in front of me! I guess I must have hit it, 'cause here I am, flipped over right in the middle of the street!"
"Let me take a look at your vehicle," the cop offers. "Maybe it'll provide some clues."
The officer examines the car for fifteen minutes, then returns.
"Whatta you think?" the blonde cries anxiously. "Have you figured out a way to keep this from happening again?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have," the cop replies. "From now on, don't hang that air freshener from your rearview mirror."
