Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I consider Russian Roulette to be an extreme sport. Only the undefeated get to compete.
Blonde: "I've got a new idea for family game night... Russian Roulette!"
Brunette: "Russian Roulette?! Are you out of your mind?"
Blonde: "Well, it's the best I can do after you nixed my strip poker suggestion! You said you wanted something more holesome!"
Last time I went to a ball game, I got stuck in "C" section of the parking lot. What a pain! I had to exit through the sun roof!
First rule of Gaslight Club is: pay the damn dues! That's right, 200 bucks, pal! No, it's not free to join! You were told twice already!
I just got a job at the dog pound. It's not exactly what I expected; I haven't been allowed to flatten one yet.
Q: What should you do when you're down to your last graham cracker, your last marshmallow and your last square of chocolate?
A: Toast them. Then you'll get s'more.
I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday, still it remained fresh! Continually refused to tell me why it crossed that goddamned road!
The cartoon penguin Chilly Willy has been stealing fish since the 1950s; even so, he's never been approached by the authorities. Evidently he isn't considered much of a flight risk.
I don't text my grandmother. If I ever want to get ahold of her, I use Instagram.
Don't bother visiting the Lizzy Borden website. It's been hacked.
My brother and I were trying to finish up our snowman. I wanted it to be vegetarian, so stuck a celery stalk in its mouth... but my brother wanted it to be a runner and replaced the greenery with a water bottle. Swell; he just turned our snowman into a cannibal.
Brunette: "Eagles may soar, but turtles don't get sucked into jet engines."
Blonde: "Maybe you aren't throwing them hard enough."
Sad story: I just read about a Nigerian billionaire who passed away with his fortune intact. Seems that he had tried to give all his money away, but no one would answer his emails.
Q: Why should you never throw up in space?
A: Playing softball in orbit is just like playing it anywhere else; if you pitch in any direction except toward the catcher, it counts as a ball and you'll wind up walking the batter.
My girlfriend recently told me that she's developed a passion for period mysteries. So, just to entertain her, I've hidden all her tampons.
After killing a Jedi, Darth Vader always calls in Boba Fett to tidy up the mess. Boba is, after all, the galaxy's best Bounty man.
I'd never pick a fight with Einstein... he's too well armed. Just remember his famous catchphrase: E=MC Hammer!
Q: Why should you never drink from the Fountain of Youth?
A: You'll give yourself a backache. Plus, you'll probably get into trouble with mall security. The reason it's built so low to the ground is because it's intended for kids.
Brunette: "So, have you decided what you want to do with your life?"
Blonde: "Yes! I figure I'll combine my talent for cooking with my interest in the law."
Brunette: "Really? How do you plan to do that?"
Blonde: "Easy! I'll become a sue chef!"
Q: Why did the crab cross the road?
A: He didn't. He stuck to the sidewalk.
Some insist on knocking people down, while others choose to raise them up. I observe the latter example... it's hard to do any real damage unless you achieve good elevation first.
Swedish blonde: "You know 3 letter answer that means same as 'compete'?"
US brunette: "'Vie'."
Swedish blonde: "Because I vant to finish this cross-vord, silly!"
* * *
Blonde: "I've got a new idea for family game night... Russian Roulette!"
Brunette: "Russian Roulette?! Are you out of your mind?"
Blonde: "Well, it's the best I can do after you nixed my strip poker suggestion! You said you wanted something more holesome!"
* * *
Last time I went to a ball game, I got stuck in "C" section of the parking lot. What a pain! I had to exit through the sun roof!
* * *
First rule of Gaslight Club is: pay the damn dues! That's right, 200 bucks, pal! No, it's not free to join! You were told twice already!
* * *
I just got a job at the dog pound. It's not exactly what I expected; I haven't been allowed to flatten one yet.
* * *
Q: What should you do when you're down to your last graham cracker, your last marshmallow and your last square of chocolate?
A: Toast them. Then you'll get s'more.
* * *
I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday, still it remained fresh! Continually refused to tell me why it crossed that goddamned road!
* * *
The cartoon penguin Chilly Willy has been stealing fish since the 1950s; even so, he's never been approached by the authorities. Evidently he isn't considered much of a flight risk.
* * *
I don't text my grandmother. If I ever want to get ahold of her, I use Instagram.
* * *
Don't bother visiting the Lizzy Borden website. It's been hacked.
* * *
My brother and I were trying to finish up our snowman. I wanted it to be vegetarian, so stuck a celery stalk in its mouth... but my brother wanted it to be a runner and replaced the greenery with a water bottle. Swell; he just turned our snowman into a cannibal.
* * *
Brunette: "Eagles may soar, but turtles don't get sucked into jet engines."
Blonde: "Maybe you aren't throwing them hard enough."
* * *
Sad story: I just read about a Nigerian billionaire who passed away with his fortune intact. Seems that he had tried to give all his money away, but no one would answer his emails.
* * *
Q: Why should you never throw up in space?
A: Playing softball in orbit is just like playing it anywhere else; if you pitch in any direction except toward the catcher, it counts as a ball and you'll wind up walking the batter.
* * *
My girlfriend recently told me that she's developed a passion for period mysteries. So, just to entertain her, I've hidden all her tampons.
* * *
After killing a Jedi, Darth Vader always calls in Boba Fett to tidy up the mess. Boba is, after all, the galaxy's best Bounty man.
* * *
I'd never pick a fight with Einstein... he's too well armed. Just remember his famous catchphrase: E=MC Hammer!
* * *
Q: Why should you never drink from the Fountain of Youth?
A: You'll give yourself a backache. Plus, you'll probably get into trouble with mall security. The reason it's built so low to the ground is because it's intended for kids.
* * *
Brunette: "So, have you decided what you want to do with your life?"
Blonde: "Yes! I figure I'll combine my talent for cooking with my interest in the law."
Brunette: "Really? How do you plan to do that?"
Blonde: "Easy! I'll become a sue chef!"
* * *
Q: Why did the crab cross the road?
A: He didn't. He stuck to the sidewalk.
* * *
Some insist on knocking people down, while others choose to raise them up. I observe the latter example... it's hard to do any real damage unless you achieve good elevation first.
* * *
Swedish blonde: "You know 3 letter answer that means same as 'compete'?"
US brunette: "'Vie'."
Swedish blonde: "Because I vant to finish this cross-vord, silly!"
