Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
The success of his new "Oppenheimer" movie has convinced Christopher Nolan to do more biopics. In fact, he's just pitched two new streaming series, one devoted to Amelia Earhart and the other focused on Charles Lindbergh. He'll be filming a pair of pilots soon.
I wanted to re-marry my ex wife, but she saw right through me. She could tell I was only after my money.
Q: The old medieval cathedral was in such poor condition, it was becoming hazardous to worship inside. But how could the miserly king be convinced that funds were urgently needed for its repair?
A: Ultimately, it fell upon the Bishop.
After two years of working from home, getting back to my old position in Costumer Service is proving to be traumatic! The scowling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence... I try to control myself, but I'm so out of practice!
Brunette: "So, you want the vacant librarian job, eh? Well, I'll give you a chance. Do you think you can put books in alphabetical order?"
Blonde: "Sure, that's easy! B...K... O... O... S!"
I robbed a jewelry store in a western German city and have now taken off for the Belgian border! If the cops try to track me with dogs, they should have an easy time of it... I have, after all, just run out of Cologne.
Q: What do the otherwise unrelated films "Barbie" and "Oppenheimer" have in common?
A: Each of their associated properties was first launched in Japan.
I've often wondered... if women are really so good at multi-tasking, why can't they handle a headache and having sex at the same time?
Q: Why do women go to the gym?
A: To get the perfect female body.
Q: Why do men go to the gym?
A: Same reason.
Preferred personal pronouns in California: they/them.
Preferred personal pronouns in Texas: yeee/haaw!
Blonde: "I was always told that mountains are real tall! They sure don't look that way on the map! Have they been lying to me all this time?"
Brunette: "Calm down, you're looking at a road map. You can buy one molded out of plastic which shows that mountains are actually thousands of feet high."
Blonde: "Wow! That's a relief!"
I teach botany and some ignoramus located my lab right next to the math department! What a mess! All my plants now have square roots!
Doctor: "You've put on ten pounds since I saw you last! Didn't I recommend lighter meals?"
Patient: "Yeah doc, and I've done my best! At breakfast, lunch and dinner I make a root beer float!"
When I was young, my buddies and me would go out into the woods and hunt down deer so we could stuff the venison meat into fried tortilla shells. My city relatives called it a hayseed buffet; us, we called 'em stalkos.
Word is that Putin's army is so short on soldiers, he's sending trained apes onto the Ukrainian battlefield to probe for land mines. Well, they aren't apes, exactly... more like baboooooms!
Q: Why do cannibals show captured male missionaries pornography before shoving them in the pot?
A: So there'll be that much more meat.
A crab ambles into a bar. "I'll have the most expensive beer you got!", he booms at the bartender. "But if I don't like it, I ain't gonna pay! Nobody better try to stop me, 'cause I'll cut 'em to ribbons with these!" And he snaps his pinchers menacingly.
"No deal!" barks the bartender. "I don't like the sound of your escape claws!"
A plane flew into our house last night, completely demolishing the second story. I blame my wife... she's the one who left the landing light on.
Needed: workers for the bubble-wrap storage warehouse. Primary skill required: lots and lots of self control.
Just because a pill promises to clear congestion doesn't mean it's gonna work. I've been taking 'em for years and traffic's just as bad as it ever was!
Does it strike anyone else as odd that the rarest kind of sense is common?
Shopper: "I need to pick up a Barbie Doll for my little girl. How much do they cost?"
Clerk: "Well, Malibu Barbie is $19.99. Astronaut Barbie is $19.99. Doctor Barbie is $19.99. President Barbie is $19.99. And Divorcee Barbie is $398.99."
Shopper: "Why is Divorcee Barbie so expensive?"
Clerk: "She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and all of Ken's furniture."
* * *
I wanted to re-marry my ex wife, but she saw right through me. She could tell I was only after my money.
* * *
Q: The old medieval cathedral was in such poor condition, it was becoming hazardous to worship inside. But how could the miserly king be convinced that funds were urgently needed for its repair?
A: Ultimately, it fell upon the Bishop.
* * *
After two years of working from home, getting back to my old position in Costumer Service is proving to be traumatic! The scowling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence... I try to control myself, but I'm so out of practice!
* * *
Brunette: "So, you want the vacant librarian job, eh? Well, I'll give you a chance. Do you think you can put books in alphabetical order?"
Blonde: "Sure, that's easy! B...K... O... O... S!"
* * *
I robbed a jewelry store in a western German city and have now taken off for the Belgian border! If the cops try to track me with dogs, they should have an easy time of it... I have, after all, just run out of Cologne.
* * *
Q: What do the otherwise unrelated films "Barbie" and "Oppenheimer" have in common?
A: Each of their associated properties was first launched in Japan.
* * *
I've often wondered... if women are really so good at multi-tasking, why can't they handle a headache and having sex at the same time?
* * *
Q: Why do women go to the gym?
A: To get the perfect female body.
Q: Why do men go to the gym?
A: Same reason.
* * *
Preferred personal pronouns in California: they/them.
Preferred personal pronouns in Texas: yeee/haaw!
* * *
Blonde: "I was always told that mountains are real tall! They sure don't look that way on the map! Have they been lying to me all this time?"
Brunette: "Calm down, you're looking at a road map. You can buy one molded out of plastic which shows that mountains are actually thousands of feet high."
Blonde: "Wow! That's a relief!"
* * *
I teach botany and some ignoramus located my lab right next to the math department! What a mess! All my plants now have square roots!
* * *
Doctor: "You've put on ten pounds since I saw you last! Didn't I recommend lighter meals?"
Patient: "Yeah doc, and I've done my best! At breakfast, lunch and dinner I make a root beer float!"
* * *
When I was young, my buddies and me would go out into the woods and hunt down deer so we could stuff the venison meat into fried tortilla shells. My city relatives called it a hayseed buffet; us, we called 'em stalkos.
* * *
Word is that Putin's army is so short on soldiers, he's sending trained apes onto the Ukrainian battlefield to probe for land mines. Well, they aren't apes, exactly... more like baboooooms!
* * *
Q: Why do cannibals show captured male missionaries pornography before shoving them in the pot?
A: So there'll be that much more meat.
* * *
A crab ambles into a bar. "I'll have the most expensive beer you got!", he booms at the bartender. "But if I don't like it, I ain't gonna pay! Nobody better try to stop me, 'cause I'll cut 'em to ribbons with these!" And he snaps his pinchers menacingly.
"No deal!" barks the bartender. "I don't like the sound of your escape claws!"
* * *
A plane flew into our house last night, completely demolishing the second story. I blame my wife... she's the one who left the landing light on.
* * *
Needed: workers for the bubble-wrap storage warehouse. Primary skill required: lots and lots of self control.
* * *
Just because a pill promises to clear congestion doesn't mean it's gonna work. I've been taking 'em for years and traffic's just as bad as it ever was!
* * *
Does it strike anyone else as odd that the rarest kind of sense is common?
* * *
Shopper: "I need to pick up a Barbie Doll for my little girl. How much do they cost?"
Clerk: "Well, Malibu Barbie is $19.99. Astronaut Barbie is $19.99. Doctor Barbie is $19.99. President Barbie is $19.99. And Divorcee Barbie is $398.99."
Shopper: "Why is Divorcee Barbie so expensive?"
Clerk: "She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and all of Ken's furniture."
