Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I had an accident leaving the bus and tore away half of my umbrella. Fortunately, the chance of rain was only 50%..
Marcus Junius Brutus: "Hail Caesar! Fancy, running into you at this restaurant! I've been meaning to try it out; it's supposed to be famous for its meatballs! So tell me, have you tried them yet?"
Julius Caesar: "Ate two, Brute!"
The entrance to our local aquarium has a sign outside stating "No Dogs". That's a good idea; they'd most likely drown in those big tanks.
A pink elephant walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says, "You're early. He hasn't come in yet."
My son was having trouble concentrating in school, so I got him a dose of Ritalin. I was able to find it online despite using an ADD blocker.
Sure-fire way for US agents to catch a foreign spy: ask him to sing "The Star Spangled Banner". If he knows more than the first verse, you have your man.
My son's doing great at culinary college! He's specializing in ice cream desserts; it's the first time I've ever seen him eager to attend sundae school!
The difference between Capitalism and Communism: in a capitalist society, man victimizes his fellow man; in a communist society, it's the other way 'round.
Now that almost everybody owns smart phones, the market for wrist watches has shrunken drastically. Well, Rolex is fighting back against that. Like just yesterday I saw a huge billboard featuring all their current models. It truly is a sign of the times!
After a Chinese meal, I enjoy opening fortune cookies. Just for the fortunes, mind... I don't much care for the cookies themselves, so my wife would eat them. Last time we did this was a disaster... she swallowed one too fast and choked to death. Needless to say, I'm devastated... that damn fortune said I'd be a millionaire by now.
Santa may not pay his staff well, but the benefits make up for it. He offers one of the best elf insurance plans in the world.
I got addicted to weed in missionary school. After that, I was sent to a native village where I became a high priest.
During hunting season, many ducks resort to kamikaze tactics, dive bombing hunters in order to ruin their aim. This approach works especially well on cheapskates... none of them want to get stuck with the bill.
My lawn is circular shaped. At the end of every week it's pi a la mowed.
Agriculture is very advanced in the era of Star Trek. Farmers plow their land using tractor beams.
It bugs me that my doctor's work is called a "practice". After 12 years of education, I expect him to know exactly what he's doing!
Race horses are super-competitive high achievers. That's the benefit of having a stable home life.
It was two hours till dinner and I decided to grill a chicken. The damn bird just wouldn't tell me where he hid the frying pan.
Since Benjamin Netanyahu is no longer Prime Minister of Israel, he's decided to run for Prime Minister of Cuba. Hamas must like his chances; they're already referring to him as Infidel Castro.
I don't see how God could possibly beat up Mr. T. He couldn't even protect his son against a lower-case t.
Robin: "Batman, I have the Bat-rope, the Baterangs and the Bat grenades all ready to go, but we got problems. I can't get the Batmobile to start."
Batman: "Did you check the battery?"
Robin: "No, I didn't know we had one. What the heck's a tery?"
I believe in being good to my wife. Just last night we were heading home from work so she could cook me dinner and we happened to walk past the door of a fancy restaurant where the tempting odor of expensive food hung in the air.
"My!" she purred dreamily. "Doesn't that smell wonderful!"
Like I said, I'm a mighty considerate husband, so you know what I did? I walked her round the block so she could have a second sniff!
* * *
Marcus Junius Brutus: "Hail Caesar! Fancy, running into you at this restaurant! I've been meaning to try it out; it's supposed to be famous for its meatballs! So tell me, have you tried them yet?"
Julius Caesar: "Ate two, Brute!"
* * *
The entrance to our local aquarium has a sign outside stating "No Dogs". That's a good idea; they'd most likely drown in those big tanks.
* * *
A pink elephant walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says, "You're early. He hasn't come in yet."
* * *
My son was having trouble concentrating in school, so I got him a dose of Ritalin. I was able to find it online despite using an ADD blocker.
* * *
Sure-fire way for US agents to catch a foreign spy: ask him to sing "The Star Spangled Banner". If he knows more than the first verse, you have your man.
* * *
My son's doing great at culinary college! He's specializing in ice cream desserts; it's the first time I've ever seen him eager to attend sundae school!
* * *
The difference between Capitalism and Communism: in a capitalist society, man victimizes his fellow man; in a communist society, it's the other way 'round.
* * *
Now that almost everybody owns smart phones, the market for wrist watches has shrunken drastically. Well, Rolex is fighting back against that. Like just yesterday I saw a huge billboard featuring all their current models. It truly is a sign of the times!
* * *
After a Chinese meal, I enjoy opening fortune cookies. Just for the fortunes, mind... I don't much care for the cookies themselves, so my wife would eat them. Last time we did this was a disaster... she swallowed one too fast and choked to death. Needless to say, I'm devastated... that damn fortune said I'd be a millionaire by now.
* * *
Santa may not pay his staff well, but the benefits make up for it. He offers one of the best elf insurance plans in the world.
* * *
I got addicted to weed in missionary school. After that, I was sent to a native village where I became a high priest.
* * *
During hunting season, many ducks resort to kamikaze tactics, dive bombing hunters in order to ruin their aim. This approach works especially well on cheapskates... none of them want to get stuck with the bill.
* * *
My lawn is circular shaped. At the end of every week it's pi a la mowed.
* * *
Agriculture is very advanced in the era of Star Trek. Farmers plow their land using tractor beams.
* * *
It bugs me that my doctor's work is called a "practice". After 12 years of education, I expect him to know exactly what he's doing!
* * *
Race horses are super-competitive high achievers. That's the benefit of having a stable home life.
* * *
It was two hours till dinner and I decided to grill a chicken. The damn bird just wouldn't tell me where he hid the frying pan.
* * *
Since Benjamin Netanyahu is no longer Prime Minister of Israel, he's decided to run for Prime Minister of Cuba. Hamas must like his chances; they're already referring to him as Infidel Castro.
* * *
I don't see how God could possibly beat up Mr. T. He couldn't even protect his son against a lower-case t.
* * *
Robin: "Batman, I have the Bat-rope, the Baterangs and the Bat grenades all ready to go, but we got problems. I can't get the Batmobile to start."
Batman: "Did you check the battery?"
Robin: "No, I didn't know we had one. What the heck's a tery?"
* * *
I believe in being good to my wife. Just last night we were heading home from work so she could cook me dinner and we happened to walk past the door of a fancy restaurant where the tempting odor of expensive food hung in the air.
"My!" she purred dreamily. "Doesn't that smell wonderful!"
Like I said, I'm a mighty considerate husband, so you know what I did? I walked her round the block so she could have a second sniff!
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