Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Our RC Plane club is sponsoring a kids' race for wind-up toy gliders. We're calling the contest Duel of the Tightens.
Iron Man recently took on a junior sidekick, Aluminum Lad. Since the boy's underage, he can't fight any of the bad guys; instead, he charged with foiling their plans.
My wife's been pushing me to get contact lenses. She says I look better without my glasses. Maybe I'm just getting cranky... I told her she looks better without them too.
He: "I'm very displeased about your bra and panties combo. It reveals far too much."
She: "Put on your own damn underwear then!"
I think Julius Caesar was killed while playing Battleship. From what I understand, his final words were "E-2, Brute."
A business owner was filling out a government survey and the second item he came to was this: "List all of your employees, broken down by sex."
"None," wrote the entrepreneur, "though some of them do come in awfully late."
My brother-in-law may spend all day on the couch, but at heart he's like the great explorers of old... constantly searching for the remote.
Mother: "Did you get rid of that mangy old cat like I told you to?"
Son: "Yeah ma. I took it so far into the woods, even I got lost!"
Mother: "If that's true, how did you find your way back?"
Son: "Easy! I followed the cat."
I've never heard a single good joke about lepers. They always fall apart at the end.
Ever hear the old phrase, "Blood is thicker than water"? Well, that isn't true at all... it's just a viscous rumor.
There's a newly emerging subgenre of Hip-Hop music called Bubble Rap. How does it sound? A lot like Pop.
My female twin must think our unusual family relationship obligates me... she's constantly hitting me up for money. Finally, I had to put my foot down and say no: I can't be a brother and assist her at the same time.
When a cow gives birth, she spends seven days away from the milking room. That happens every time she has a wee calf.
Somebody phone for air rescue! There's a guy trapped at the bottom of this deep crevasse! Warn them that he may be a bit deranged... he keeps repeating everything I yell at him.
Hear about the new Spiderman style briefs? The flexible webbing makes for an ideal peter parker.
For Pete's sake, keep your masks on! They save lives! My wife passed me and my girlfriend on the street, but thanks to my mask she never recognized me!
Henry the 8th got rid of several of his wives in his quest for a son. He was quite obsessed about his receding heir line.
For a long time now, I've been preaching the benefits of dried fruit, particularly dried grapes. Just raisin awareness!
Rat One: "So, you plan on taking the vaccine?"
Rat Two: "You kidding me? They haven't finished the human trials yet!"
"Born to be Wild" is a terrifying song! It freaks me out when they find the head out on the highway.
A homeless man was shot in an alley. Miraculously, a quarter in his shirt pocket deflected the bullet. That coin was all he had... it was his life's savings.
You were born. You occupy space. You're made up of elements that once composed the heart of a star. All of which goes to prove this: you matter.
* * *
Iron Man recently took on a junior sidekick, Aluminum Lad. Since the boy's underage, he can't fight any of the bad guys; instead, he charged with foiling their plans.
* * *
My wife's been pushing me to get contact lenses. She says I look better without my glasses. Maybe I'm just getting cranky... I told her she looks better without them too.
* * *
He: "I'm very displeased about your bra and panties combo. It reveals far too much."
She: "Put on your own damn underwear then!"
* * *
I think Julius Caesar was killed while playing Battleship. From what I understand, his final words were "E-2, Brute."
* * *
A business owner was filling out a government survey and the second item he came to was this: "List all of your employees, broken down by sex."
"None," wrote the entrepreneur, "though some of them do come in awfully late."
* * *
My brother-in-law may spend all day on the couch, but at heart he's like the great explorers of old... constantly searching for the remote.
* * *
Mother: "Did you get rid of that mangy old cat like I told you to?"
Son: "Yeah ma. I took it so far into the woods, even I got lost!"
Mother: "If that's true, how did you find your way back?"
Son: "Easy! I followed the cat."
* * *
I've never heard a single good joke about lepers. They always fall apart at the end.
* * *
Ever hear the old phrase, "Blood is thicker than water"? Well, that isn't true at all... it's just a viscous rumor.
* * *
There's a newly emerging subgenre of Hip-Hop music called Bubble Rap. How does it sound? A lot like Pop.
* * *
My female twin must think our unusual family relationship obligates me... she's constantly hitting me up for money. Finally, I had to put my foot down and say no: I can't be a brother and assist her at the same time.
* * *
When a cow gives birth, she spends seven days away from the milking room. That happens every time she has a wee calf.
* * *
Somebody phone for air rescue! There's a guy trapped at the bottom of this deep crevasse! Warn them that he may be a bit deranged... he keeps repeating everything I yell at him.
* * *
Hear about the new Spiderman style briefs? The flexible webbing makes for an ideal peter parker.
* * *
For Pete's sake, keep your masks on! They save lives! My wife passed me and my girlfriend on the street, but thanks to my mask she never recognized me!
* * *
Henry the 8th got rid of several of his wives in his quest for a son. He was quite obsessed about his receding heir line.
* * *
For a long time now, I've been preaching the benefits of dried fruit, particularly dried grapes. Just raisin awareness!
* * *
Rat One: "So, you plan on taking the vaccine?"
Rat Two: "You kidding me? They haven't finished the human trials yet!"
* * *
"Born to be Wild" is a terrifying song! It freaks me out when they find the head out on the highway.
* * *
A homeless man was shot in an alley. Miraculously, a quarter in his shirt pocket deflected the bullet. That coin was all he had... it was his life's savings.
* * *
You were born. You occupy space. You're made up of elements that once composed the heart of a star. All of which goes to prove this: you matter.
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