Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a grown-ass man and I wear Depends! When did I discover I needed 'em? Last Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning.
Dad: "I don't approve of your sister wearing jeans that tight! Damn things look painted on! How does someone even get into pants like those?"
Son: "Twenty bucks, last time I checked."
I just beat my personal best at the hundred-meter sprint! It now stands at sixty-two meters.
Doctor: "We need to check out this liver condition. Tell me, do you drink much?"
Patient: "Not as much as I used to. I spill most of it after midnight."
Even as a tyke, I understood the meaning of the phrase, "Turnabout is fair play". Other kids laughed at my crayon drawings... I laughed at their chalk outlines.
"Remember that horse I bet on? He came in twenty to one!"
"Wow! You must be loaded!"
"Not really. The rest of the pack came in at 12:30."
Whenever love closes a door, it opens a window. That's what I tell my wife each time I leave for work, but she insists I'm being paranoid.
"I just heard the news! Is it true? Do you really have Asperger's?"
"Yeah, it's true. All my ground beef is made of rump roast."
I located that damn wolf that wandered into my corn field. He was raising a ruckus 'cause he couldn't find his way out, so I led him back into the woods; finally, I can get a good night's sleep! No farm, no howl!
Q: What do you call a cross between a repentant thief and an unrepentant thief?
A: The one belonging to Jesus.
There's a necrophiliac on the loose and we have to do something! Look alive, people!
"I hear you were finally able to afford that penis enlargement surgery!"
"That's right! I told you I'd make it big in the porn industry!"
My mother-in-law's driving me to drink! What a sweet gal, volunteering to be the designated driver!
"I hear you got a job at Build-a-Bear! What exactly do you do there?"
"Oh, a lot of stuff."
Blonde: "You're gonna be so proud of me! I just made a wise investment... paid $100 for the very pencil Shakespeare used to write 'Hamlet'!"
Brunette: "The very pencil, huh? So tell me... what's it like?"
Blonde: "Pretty old, like you'd expect. In fact, it's so worn out, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B."
The Frankenstein monster and his bride got a divorce last month. Hers is the sadder story... she completely fell apart after the breakup.
I hear Danny Masterson is starring in a new series: "Being Behind Bars Until Your 70s Show".
He: "Dear, I'll be cooking tonight. Kindly go into the dining room and prepare the table."
She: "Good idea. I'll warn them all to get takeout."
Don't blame anyone else for the road you've taken. It's your own asphalt.
Brunette: "So, what do you think? Would the USA ever participate in a Third World War?"
Blonde: "I don't see how. You keep telling me America's a first world country."
My mom says I have a magnetic personality. In a way, it's true... I'm bipolar.
The festival formerly known as Burning Man is proud to present its bold new theme! Welcome to Drowning Man!
* * *
Dad: "I don't approve of your sister wearing jeans that tight! Damn things look painted on! How does someone even get into pants like those?"
Son: "Twenty bucks, last time I checked."
* * *
I just beat my personal best at the hundred-meter sprint! It now stands at sixty-two meters.
* * *
Doctor: "We need to check out this liver condition. Tell me, do you drink much?"
Patient: "Not as much as I used to. I spill most of it after midnight."
* * *
Even as a tyke, I understood the meaning of the phrase, "Turnabout is fair play". Other kids laughed at my crayon drawings... I laughed at their chalk outlines.
* * *
"Remember that horse I bet on? He came in twenty to one!"
"Wow! You must be loaded!"
"Not really. The rest of the pack came in at 12:30."
* * *
Whenever love closes a door, it opens a window. That's what I tell my wife each time I leave for work, but she insists I'm being paranoid.
* * *
"I just heard the news! Is it true? Do you really have Asperger's?"
"Yeah, it's true. All my ground beef is made of rump roast."
* * *
I located that damn wolf that wandered into my corn field. He was raising a ruckus 'cause he couldn't find his way out, so I led him back into the woods; finally, I can get a good night's sleep! No farm, no howl!
* * *
Q: What do you call a cross between a repentant thief and an unrepentant thief?
A: The one belonging to Jesus.
* * *
There's a necrophiliac on the loose and we have to do something! Look alive, people!
* * *
"I hear you were finally able to afford that penis enlargement surgery!"
"That's right! I told you I'd make it big in the porn industry!"
* * *
My mother-in-law's driving me to drink! What a sweet gal, volunteering to be the designated driver!
* * *
"I hear you got a job at Build-a-Bear! What exactly do you do there?"
"Oh, a lot of stuff."
* * *
Blonde: "You're gonna be so proud of me! I just made a wise investment... paid $100 for the very pencil Shakespeare used to write 'Hamlet'!"
Brunette: "The very pencil, huh? So tell me... what's it like?"
Blonde: "Pretty old, like you'd expect. In fact, it's so worn out, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B."
* * *
The Frankenstein monster and his bride got a divorce last month. Hers is the sadder story... she completely fell apart after the breakup.
* * *
I hear Danny Masterson is starring in a new series: "Being Behind Bars Until Your 70s Show".
* * *
He: "Dear, I'll be cooking tonight. Kindly go into the dining room and prepare the table."
She: "Good idea. I'll warn them all to get takeout."
* * *
Don't blame anyone else for the road you've taken. It's your own asphalt.
* * *
Brunette: "So, what do you think? Would the USA ever participate in a Third World War?"
Blonde: "I don't see how. You keep telling me America's a first world country."
* * *
My mom says I have a magnetic personality. In a way, it's true... I'm bipolar.
* * *
The festival formerly known as Burning Man is proud to present its bold new theme! Welcome to Drowning Man!
