Funniest TV Oneliners

[njjen3953]

What are some of the funniest lines you have heard on a TV show?

I was just watching a re-run of Mad About You. On this episode, Jamie and Paul are taking care of Paul's nephew on Halloween. Jamie says, "The kid is so sweet, my uterus hurts" LOL

I laughed so hard. I can kind of understand how she was feeling.

 

[njjen3953]

Come on, folks. I know you have em. Please, contribute.

 

[the_Baron]

when kramer immediately withdrew from the contest to see who could go without masterbation the longest - he yelled to the seinfeld gang: "I'm out!"

now, the line itself isn't funny. it was the context.

 

[TickledToDeath]

Seinfeld

"George" after telling the Unemployment office he went for a job interview at 'Vandalay Industries' a latex manufacturing company.....tells Jerry he gave them his phone number and he was to answer and tell them it was Vandalay Industries and the he worked for them as a salesman.
Later on......Kramer answers the phone, not knowing of Georges scam and tells the Unemployment clerk it was the wrong number. George running out of the bathroom with his pants down, tripping falling face down on the floor. Jerry, walks back in to the apt seeing George lying there face down in his underware and says:
"And you want to be my Latex Salesman".


TTD

 

[red indian]

Almost every line.........

.....from all twelve episodes of "The Office" .......please, please, please, dont make a U.S. version starring Bill Cosby.....we dont care about you shafting the British Empire after WW2, or sending David Blaine over here, or allowing John Denver to get a recording contract, but please leave "The Office" alone.....please???

 

[Dave2112]

"Excuse me while I throw my legs up and soil my britches with delight!" - Montgomery Burns, "The Simpsons"

 

[Ticklemmmeeeeee]

"oooh...I shouldn't have eaten that package of gravy I found in the parking lot" Homer Simpson 🙂

 

[dskodj]

The Hulk episode "Like A Brother",2 lines, one scene: David Banner (Bill Bixby) gets locked in the bathroom with a black tiger by the pimp Taylor George..then his side kick (played by a young Ernie Hudson) says "the white cat and the black cat having fun in the back room"..then Banner turns into the hulk.

Other scene:

The hulk saves a baby from rolling into the street (this is all taking place at a ghetto like car wash) and then he gives the baby to one of the workers and then this black dude comes up and says "mannn, now thats what i call a colored man" then the scene changes and you see a close up of the hulk running off LOL

DJ Jimmy M

 

[Mischief]

How about the episode of Taxi, where Reverend Jim (played by Christopher Lloyd) is taking his drivers' written exam at the DMV?

Jim: (whispering) Alex, what does a yellow light mean?

Alex: (whispering) Slow down.

Jim: (befuddled) Okay. Alex . . . what . . . does . . . a . . . yellow . . . light . . . mean?

etc. 🙄

 

[phfttklr]

LOL, I loved that episode Mischief!

One of my favorite lines was in the episode of "FRIENDS". Joey, Chandler and Monica were at the beach and Monica got stung by a jellyfish but was kept a secret. When the 3 of them were finally confronted about what took place, Monica began to explain what
happened and peeing on the sting would lessen the sting. When she couldn't finish the story, Joey continued.

Joey: "That's right, I stepped up... and if I had to, I'd pee on any one of you too".

 

[TklDuo-Drew]

Seinfeld:

Elaine, describing to Jerry a friend who has Lyme disease. Jerry thought the friend had Epstein-Barr Syndrome:

Elaine: "He does have Epstein-Barr......it's Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease."


Drew

 

[Ticklemmmeeeeee]

LMAO....funny stuff....lol

The Three Amigos...

Bartender: "We don't have beer. Just tequila."
Ned Niederlander: "What's tequila?"
Bartender: "Uh, it's like beer."

Jefe: "We have stuffed many pinatas for your birthday celebration!"
El Guapo: "How many pinatas?"
Jefe: "Many pinatas, many!"
El Guapo: "Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?"
Jefe: "Yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora."
El Guapo: "Jefe, what is a plethora?"

Tommy boy...

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: That's because I'm laying it on you pretty thick.

 

[BigBrownEyes]

From "Two and a Half Men"...

Mother: Charlie do you want me to explain why I was so angry at you and didn't speak to you all those years?

Charlie: No, I'll trust your judgment.

 

[TklDuo-Drew]

Norm on "Cheers"

"How ya doin', Norm?"
"It's a dog-eat-dog world.....and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"


"What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?"
"I'm more concerned what's going IN Mr. Peterson!"


Drew

 

[giantfan121262]

I remember in one of the earlier episodes of the Cosby Show. Heathcliff was confronting Theo for getting bad grades and he eventually reads the riot act to Theo by Saying

"I bought you into this world, and I'll take you out"

 

[giantfan121262]

Drew:

I also liked that line from Norm about the milk bone underwear.

 

[Ticklemmmeeeeee]

LMAO...

From Clerks....
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year?

 

[lite]

From "Roseanne"...

Dan let D.J. (who was about 10 or 11 at the time) have a sip of his beer, and Roseanne finds out:

Roseanne: I can't believe you let him drink beer! How could you?

Dan: I had to! The hooker made him nervous! 😀

 

[sole seeker]

Re: From "Roseanne"...

Dan: I had to! The hooker made him nervous! 😀

LOL! Wish I'd seen that one.

 

[BigBrownEyes]

How about the episode of Taxi, where Reverend Jim (played by Christopher Lloyd) is taking his drivers' written exam at the DMV?

Jim: (whispering) Alex, what does a yellow light mean?

Alex: (whispering) Slow down.

Jim: (befuddled) Okay. Alex . . . what . . . does . . . a . . . yellow . . . light . . . mean?

etc. 🙄

Mischief, I remember that one very well! I used to quote it from time to time. Whether they got the reference or not, people always laughed because it just sounds funny!

The Christopher Lloyd character on "Taxi" was one of the most brilliant comedic creations of all time. I think it was actually Jack Nicholson who gave both Christopher Lloyd and Danny DeVito their start.