Happily married gentlemen, how did you know she was "the one"

[GQguy]

Fellas, how did you know? I'm with a decent enough girl, one of the best I've had but I'm not happy. She's ready for marriage and children and I'm ready to finish pilot training so I can start grad school. Disregard my short detailless account though. I want to hear about you guys. How did you know. How long have you been married.

Thanks
GQ

 

[Leo tickles]

Fellas, how did you know? I'm with a decent enough girl, one of the best I've had but I'm not happy. She's ready for marriage and children and I'm ready to finish pilot training so I can start grad school. Disregard my short detailless account though. I want to hear about you guys. How did you know. How long have you been married.

Thanks
GQ

I've never been unfortunate enough to marry somebody, but I'm assuming the bold text has a lot to do with it.

You need to look at why you're not happy and figure out if it comes from you or from something she is/isn't doing.

 

[GQguy]

My unhappiness started after we moved together. For years I felt like a well oiled machine accomplishing goal after goal. But now at the time where I need the most focus i'm distracted and responsible for someone's happiness other than my own. I used to work hard an play hard. Now I work...and watch tv. I make more than double what I earned a year ago and still broke and having far less fun. She wants to get married soon(before my training is up) and I don't want to think about. She wants to have kids before my MBA is done and no idea make me unhappier.

Don't get me wrong, I love her. I wish she were 5 years younger so I can be myself. Hhmmm. Perhaps writing is therapeutic....so I can be myself. That's it. The pilot training cliche of " you cant be a pilot trainee and a good husband at the same time. You can only do one and fail at the other" seems very real.

Anyway. I know my situation isn't good. Bit I really want to heat from the happily married guys. Perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Leo tickles]

All you've sad was that you need to focus on somebody else's happiness other than your own in the midst of getting a lot of your own shit done.

So unless you can tell me what SHE is doing, you are having selfish thoughts. Be it the women outside, the money you save, the party last night that you missed or just being alone.

There's nothing wrong with that, you just need to determine what you ultimately want.

 

[GQguy]

All you've sad was that you need to focus on somebody else's happiness other than your own in the midst of getting a lot of your own shit done.

So unless you can tell me what SHE is doing, you are having selfish thoughts. Be it the women outside, the money you save, the party last night that you missed or just being alone.

There's nothing wrong with that, you just need to determine what you ultimately want.

It's absolutely selfish. It's the definition of selfish. It's MY happiness. I can get married to her tomorrow to please her and be miserable my whole life. We can have kids next year to please her only to have my childhood repeated with a father(me) that's constantly gone and too busy and frankly not ready for kids. What does she do for me? Nothing. She's cool. She a distraction at times. I don't see her helping me in reaching my goals. The best I can hope for is that she has a neutral effect.

But again....The layman can tell me to break it off, send her and her dog home and focus on flying. I know this is one of my options. My fear is losing the "one". My theory on what the woman I would marry would be like is simple...."makes me happy" more specifically "losing her during this particular tough phase in my life would make things harder because with her in my life things are easier". Actually I'm always challenging myself so the last sentence stands true for awhile.....pretty much till I'm ready for kids where my focus will move from me to what kind of mother she is and how well we would work as a unit raising kids(see selfish still) I want to convince my heart that she is making me better....but it's tough. If I could have her move next door and still be together I'd take that option in a heartbeat so I can focus more on just me.

So I wonder if I'm missing something. That's why I'm asking for the happily married men to enlighten me. I'm not complaining....I love her.....and she loves me..I think. Sometimes I feel like her biological clock happened to stop ticking on me..and now the timer is set to start making babies....and if we broke up it wouldn't take but 6 months before she starts dating a 40 year old dude ready to pop them out 10 years into his career. I'm not feeling special. I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do. I just want to hear what some men were thinking when they made the very important decision to get married. The longer the individual has been married, along with the amount that they've been able to accomplish gets more respect from me. (Any man that pops the question and is fully committed gets props....it's the multitasking that's getting me)

GQ

 

[Bothersome]

I am never, ever, ever getting married.

I understand that that is not helpful in the least... but it's true.

 

[GQguy]

I am never, ever, ever getting married.

I understand that that is not helpful in the least... but it's true.

I've said the same thing myself. I think there is a time in a guys life where that feeling changes. I think alot of people turn down their perfect match because the timing was off only to settle with someone that isn't perfect for them because the timing was right. I fear making that mistake.

If you were 45 dude..I'd say you were right. But you're in your 20's...things change.

 

[TickleMyFancy]

For me, I feel like I'll know I'm ready when I can be with someone for a few years (because I want to date someone MINIMUM of 3 years before engagement) and still be excited to come home to them, and excited at the prospect of our futures together.

I don't know if that helps, but that's always been my criteria.

Sorry, I know you asked for the opinion of married men 😛

 

[Bothersome]

I've said the same thing myself. I think there is a time in a guys life where that feeling changes. I think alot of people turn down their perfect match because the timing was off only to settle with someone that isn't perfect for them because the timing was right. I fear making that mistake.

If you were 45 dude..I'd say you were right. But you're in your 20's...things change.

Well, don't get the impression that I'm some kind of player who has commitment issues. That's not really it. I'd be happy to settle down with a girl, but the term 'marriage' has so much fucking baggage on it. Okay, so I'm a little afraid of commitment. But I mean really. Marriage is signing over half of your possessions. Why am I the only person that finds that mildly disturbing?

 

[Marquis De Sade]

In no particular order whatsoever:

1. When you meet someone who is already happy and doesn't need to depend on you or anyone else for their own happiness
2. When you meet someone who doesn't need validation from you or anyone else to feel good about themselves
3. When you meet someone who has their own goals/dreams and will accomplish them with or without you
4. The concept of being with somebody after them else might as well be a foreign language (Mila Kunis is the only exception)
5. Head games are tossed out the window
6. They make you want to be a better person without being prompted
7. You inspire, push and challenge each other
8. Needing to spend time with each other in comparison to previous partners is instead, wanting to spend time with each other
9. The

You know what. This could actually turn into the longest post in the history of the forum if I go on. The list is endless. In short (in regards to my own indescribably happy eight year-long relationship after having known each other for just six months and personal opinion), when you the meet The One, the thought of marriage isn't even a concept that requires analyzing. It's the most perfect and logical next step and nothing else computes. It's on the same wavelength as kissing.

You discuss individual wants sure, but compromise and sacrifice comes naturally as both realize they were individuals before meeting each other and will continue to be individuals despite being in a union. You grow separately but together if that makes sense. Giving the other the time they need in order to fulfill their needs should be given more than willingly in exchange for the pride they'll share together once the task has been completed.

As for accomplishments. I'm the type who is never quite satisfied with my own progress when it comes to anything. I'm a perfectionist. If I look back however and itemize everything I've crossed off my list in comparison to the few I compete with on a personal and professional level since taking my vows, the list impresses even me.

 

[GQguy]

Marquis De Sade....Thank you. I'll be looking back at that post often.

Sage wisdom.

GQ

 

[kis123]

It's absolutely selfish. It's the definition of selfish. It's MY happiness. I can get married to her tomorrow to please her and be miserable my whole life. We can have kids next year to please her only to have my childhood repeated with a father(me) that's constantly gone and too busy and frankly not ready for kids. What does she do for me? Nothing. She's cool. She a distraction at times. I don't see her helping me in reaching my goals. The best I can hope for is that she has a neutral effect.

But again....The layman can tell me to break it off, send her and her dog home and focus on flying. I know this is one of my options. My fear is losing the "one". My theory on what the woman I would marry would be like is simple...."makes me happy" more specifically "losing her during this particular tough phase in my life would make things harder because with her in my life things are easier". Actually I'm always challenging myself so the last sentence stands true for awhile.....pretty much till I'm ready for kids where my focus will move from me to what kind of mother she is and how well we would work as a unit raising kids(see selfish still) I want to convince my heart that she is making me better....but it's tough. If I could have her move next door and still be together I'd take that option in a heartbeat so I can focus more on just me.

So I wonder if I'm missing something. That's why I'm asking for the happily married men to enlighten me. I'm not complaining....I love her.....and she loves me..I think. Sometimes I feel like her biological clock happened to stop ticking on me..and now the timer is set to start making babies....and if we broke up it wouldn't take but 6 months before she starts dating a 40 year old dude ready to pop them out 10 years into his career. I'm not feeling special. I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do. I just want to hear what some men were thinking when they made the very important decision to get married. The longer the individual has been married, along with the amount that they've been able to accomplish gets more respect from me. (Any man that pops the question and is fully committed gets props....it's the multitasking that's getting me)

GQ

I know you're talking to the men but I simply can't take reading this anymore. You know the truth and no matter how much you question or reason it away the conclusion is going to be the same.

Let me help you cut to the chase.......she is NOT the "one." If you have this many questions, then that's your answer. You are not happy nor secure in your relationship; a woman knows when she has the one even when the man may not. She has not impressed me that she knows for sure either.

You've had problems with her from the beginning with the dog issue, the not helping her share at home issue, and now this. It looks more like you're trying to convince yourself instead of knowing. It appears that you both are settling; she's got a man that lets her live any way she wants to and you get someone to come home to. That is not a good way to enter a marriage and all the love in the world won't make it any better.

You already know the answer........you're not ready to settle down. You're not ready for marriage and fatherhood. If she is then you need to let her go so she can find the man who is ready and you can continue to date until you find a woman who fits your lifestyle and life choices. Staying with her at this point is unfair to you both.

 

[Leo tickles]

I know you're talking to the men but I simply can't take reading this anymore. You know the truth and no matter how much you question or reason it away the conclusion is going to be the same.

Let me help you cut to the chase.......she is NOT the "one." If you have this many questions, then that's your answer. You are not happy nor secure in your relationship; a woman knows when she has the one even when the man may not. She has not impressed me that she knows for sure either.

You've had problems with her from the beginning with the dog issue, the not helping her share at home issue, and now this. It looks more like you're trying to convince yourself instead of knowing. It appears that you both are settling; she's got a man that lets her live any way she wants to and you get someone to come home to. That is not a good way to enter a marriage and all the love in the world won't make it any better.

You already know the answer........you're not ready to settle down. You're not ready for marriage and fatherhood. If she is then you need to let her go so she can find the man who is ready and you can continue to date until you find a woman who fits your lifestyle and life choices. Staying with her at this point is unfair to you both.

I agree.

Also, there are too many people in the world for such a thing as "the one" to exist. You are compatible with more than "one". If you honestly when to know who your "one" is, it'll be the girl that won't inspire thoughts like this in your head.

 

[Bothersome]

Also, there are too many people in the world for such a thing as "the one" to exist. You are compatible with more than "one". If you honestly when to know who your "one" is, it'll be the girl that won't inspire thoughts like this in your head.

In the words of Tim Minchin;

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[Cosmo_ac]

First, never get pressured into getting married, and especially never get pressured into having kids, because once you have (asside from the fact your now responsible for another life potentially) the women has her claws in you till the day one of you dies.

second, you don't need the added distraction of getting married and having kids while your trying to do something like what you are doing. These things should be done when your at a stable point in your life, not when focussing on certain goals.

 

[GQguy]

I know you're talking to the men but I simply can't take reading this anymore. You know the truth and no matter how much you question or reason it away the conclusion is going to be the same.

Let me help you cut to the chase.......she is NOT the "one." If you have this many questions, then that's your answer. You are not happy nor secure in your relationship; a woman knows when she has the one even when the man may not. She has not impressed me that she knows for sure either.

You've had problems with her from the beginning with the dog issue, the not helping her share at home issue, and now this. It looks more like you're trying to convince yourself instead of knowing. It appears that you both are settling; she's got a man that lets her live any way she wants to and you get someone to come home to. That is not a good way to enter a marriage and all the love in the world won't make it any better.

You already know the answer........you're not ready to settle down. You're not ready for marriage and fatherhood. If she is then you need to let her go so she can find the man who is ready and you can continue to date until you find a woman who fits your lifestyle and life choices. Staying with her at this point is unfair to you both.

I knew I'd get this response and it's a very logical conclusion. You may be right! We've(my girl and I) had this conversation hitting all the points mentioned over the past several months. But here's my take. I'm a very logical person obsessed with making sure I don't make mistakes in love. I want to make sure my blind spots are covered. There's no rush to send her back home....unless it really starts to effect my work. It's very easy for someone to say pack it up and finish it. Actually I mentioned that breaking it off was an easy conclusion in my OP. I asked "gentlemen, how did you know she was the one?". Ladies can answer how she knew she found the one too. But I want credible answers from people that have been married awhile. Anyone divorced by definition does not know what "the one" is. Anyone single by definition does not know what the one is, it's just a theory not put into practice yet. Personally I don't have any Aunts or Uncles that are still married. Mom and Dad had a crappy marriage. And most of the pilot instructors are divorced so they're not great sources of wisdom either. My friends list is populated by newly weds and newly divorced. This scares me. I'm looking for sage advice simply telling me how they knew. Marriage isn't easy, and I foresee it being one of the toughest things I'll do. Why? Because there are so many people I look up to that couldn't get it right. I just want facts. I'll draw my own conclusions because picking "the one" isn't a vote.

I want to know what works. Not what doesn't work.

P.S. If I read this thread though Kis and it was written by my brother with his current girl I'd come to the same conclusion, but if he asked me about "the one" I'd have to rely on 2nd hand accounts. So I agree with you....

GQ

 

[Bohemianne]

I wish she were 5 years younger so I can be myself.

😉 I knew it! My man is 5 years older than me and we've been engaged/dating for around 10 years (including the pure friendship things) before we tied the knot. Go figure. Perhaps you can tell her that you are 200% not yet ready to die... uh I mean marry.... because doing so will irreversibly ruin your lifetime dreams. Oops...

 

[GQguy]

😉 I knew it! My man is 5 years older than me and we've been engaged/dating for around 10 years (including the pure friendship things) before we tied the knot. Go figure. Perhaps you can tell her that you are 200% not yet ready to die... uh I mean marry.... because doing so will irreversibly ruin your lifetime dreams. Oops...

One of my biggest mistakes is not realizing that age does matter. She's five years older than me so I get where she's coming from even though she led me to believe she was different. Ideally having her five years younger than me would be perfect!! Hell....like a said earlier even if she were my age it be easier to work.

Age ain't nothing but a number is true unless she's in her mid thirties with no kids.

 

[BellaRisa]

Like Kis, I'm not a guy but I feel compelled to reply 🙂

My husband isn't on this forum but anyone who knows me and/or has been to Bella Bash knows him, we've been together since 1992 and married since 1993. Two kids, little house in the 'burbs, and for the last 2.5 yrs we've even worked together. And we're still ridiculously in love and still best friends after nearly 20 yrs. I've asked him in the past how he knew he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me; he proposed when I was just 19 and he was 22, we were already living together so he could have easily waited. His answer has been the same anytime I've asked, which I have more than once over the last two decades: that there was nothing in this world he could think of that wouldn't be better if he shared it with me. No accomplishments, nowhere he wanted to travel or live...nothing would be as cool without me in the picture. He couldn't imagine having children if I wasn't their mother, or buying a house that we weren't going to make a home together...all of the 'grownup' life stuff he knew he eventually wanted to do and to see and to have would be that much more amazing if I was his partner for it all. And even at 19 I felt the same way, and I still do. I'd always wanted to be a mother 'some day' but with him in my life I could actually envision it, and it felt right; everything I've accomplished and plan to accomplish was/is that much more possible and achievable because he's got my back in every way (and he always has, 100% no matter how crazy or weird it might sound in the pitch). You're asking what works, I can only tell why we work: there's a saying that love is 'friendship caught fire'. Are you really and truly best friends? Can you laugh like total fools together? Share nearly all of your thoughts and have those deep convos that last all night and still want more? Does your heart do a little flip when the other person enters the room, and do you think it always will? When something happens, good or bad, is that person the first one you want to tell? Basically I'm asking is there passion, the kind that goes way beyond sex, that makes this person's spirit something you want in your life forever? If your answers are "hell yes!" than by all means marry, but if any of that just leaves you feeling blank...forever is a long time for blah

 

[kis123]

I knew I'd get this response and it's a very logical conclusion. You may be right! We've(my girl and I) had this conversation hitting all the points mentioned over the past several months. But here's my take. I'm a very logical person obsessed with making sure I don't make mistakes in love. I want to make sure my blind spots are covered. There's no rush to send her back home....unless it really starts to effect my work. It's very easy for someone to say pack it up and finish it. Actually I mentioned that breaking it off was an easy conclusion in my OP. I asked "gentlemen, how did you know she was the one?". Ladies can answer how she knew she found the one too. But I want credible answers from people that have been married awhile. Anyone divorced by definition does not know what "the one" is. Anyone single by definition does not know what the one is, it's just a theory not put into practice yet. Personally I don't have any Aunts or Uncles that are still married. Mom and Dad had a crappy marriage. And most of the pilot instructors are divorced so they're not great sources of wisdom either. My friends list is populated by newly weds and newly divorced. This scares me. I'm looking for sage advice simply telling me how they knew. Marriage isn't easy, and I foresee it being one of the toughest things I'll do. Why? Because there are so many people I look up to that couldn't get it right. I just want facts. I'll draw my own conclusions because picking "the one" isn't a vote.

I want to know what works. Not what doesn't work.

P.S. If I read this thread though Kis and it was written by my brother with his current girl I'd come to the same conclusion, but if he asked me about "the one" I'd have to rely on 2nd hand accounts. So I agree with you....

GQ

There really is no "one" person who can meet all your needs GQ; that's the result of a lot of social, religious, and cultural conditioning. This is why marriage only works 50% of the time because eventually you grow up and realize that all you were reaching for came from someone else's preconditioned expectations, not your own.

But I digress.........

Just because someone got divorced doesn't mean they don't have a perspective; they were at least married. Since you don't know the circumstances for the split it's really a blind judgement from you who has YET to even get married. Since I don't want to stray too far from your OP, I'm going to give you an example that I never thought I'd discuss on this forum but it's in order to make a point.

Marriage is NOT what most people think it is when they first get married. They have to make it their own and not fit it into society's box of preconceived notions and false expectations. I know there are several married couples right here in this forum that can attest to the validity of my statements. When I married in 1989 I had no idea what I was in for or getting myself into and neither did my husband. We just thought we'd do better than our parents did (who miserably failed at "traditional" marriage roles). And we did too and raised two wonderful children (one his own, one I had before we met).

After 22 years of ups and downs that would nauseate a roller coaster, I laid him to rest three days before his 63rd birthday. In the days before he died and even today I realized one thing.......he was the "one." He was the one who drove me insane, almost drove me to suicide and damn near to homicide. He was the one who had my son's back and NEVER referred to him as a stepson. He was the one who treated my daughter like a princess who wanted for nothing. He was the one who would bring me money and meals just because he had me on his mind. He was the one that I would stop everything I was doing if he got himself into trouble (which was a lot unfortunately). We took better care of each other in our separation then we EVER did as a couple. When he got sick, the last name that came from his mouth before the stroke and seizure took over was mine, not the other women, and not even our own daughter's.....mine. I was his "one" last contact and the last hand who held his shortly before he took his last breath and left this earth.

He was also the one who I loved deeply but concluded I could no longer live with in marriage (in the traditional sense). He was also the same one who it took years to conclude to formally divorce until this year, but life and death had other plans for him......so instead of being the divorcee, I have been the widow since July 14.

He was the "one" GQ so I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about when I say that who you are dealing with now may be a very nice person but I really don't think she's the person for you. And I say that with 22 years of experience-just slightly shorter than you've been alive.

Hope I've cleared up the qualifications to answer your question for you and hopefully you won't be so quick to dismiss the opinions or advice of others regardless of their marital status. As I've sat and written this very personal and intimate piece of my life down, it still reduces me to tears to feel that I've already had that "one" and will probably never have another "one", at least not like him. Parts of me never want another one like him again, and parts of me died inside July 14, 2011 and I've never get them back.

I didn't say to dump her on the side of the road, but I am saying that if you are not ready to live in the world she's ready for then you need to let her go sooner than later; later means misery for you both.

 

[kis123]

Like Kis, I'm not a guy but I feel compelled to reply 🙂

My husband isn't on this forum but anyone who knows me and/or has been to Bella Bash knows him, we've been together since 1992 and married since 1993. Two kids, little house in the 'burbs, and for the last 2.5 yrs we've even worked together. And we're still ridiculously in love and still best friends after nearly 20 yrs. I've asked him in the past how he knew he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me; he proposed when I was just 19 and he was 22, we were already living together so he could have easily waited. His answer has been the same anytime I've asked, which I have more than once over the last two decades: that there was nothing in this world he could think of that wouldn't be better if he shared it with me. No accomplishments, nowhere he wanted to travel or live...nothing would be as cool without me in the picture. He couldn't imagine having children if I wasn't their mother, or buying a house that we weren't going to make a home together...all of the 'grownup' life stuff he knew he eventually wanted to do and to see and to have would be that much more amazing if I was his partner for it all. And even at 19 I felt the same way, and I still do. I'd always wanted to be a mother 'some day' but with him in my life I could actually envision it, and it felt right; everything I've accomplished and plan to accomplish was/is that much more possible and achievable because he's got my back in every way (and he always has, 100% no matter how crazy or weird it might sound in the pitch). You're asking what works, I can only tell why we work: there's a saying that love is 'friendship caught fire'. Are you really and truly best friends? Can you laugh like total fools together? Share nearly all of your thoughts and have those deep convos that last all night and still want more? Does your heart do a little flip when the other person enters the room, and do you think it always will? When something happens, good or bad, is that person the first one you want to tell? Basically I'm asking is there passion, the kind that goes way beyond sex, that makes this person's spirit something you want in your life forever? If your answers are "hell yes!" than by all means marry, but if any of that just leaves you feeling blank...forever is a long time for blah

I am so glad you decided to chime in.

When I started my previous post, I thought about non traditional marriages and relationships; needless to say your's was the first that came to mind. After living a little longer and growing up a lot, I realized love and marriage are what the couple make it, not by some unobtainable unreachable standards someone else couldn't live if their lives depended on it.

Life is short and fleeting; find the person who you're going to be happy with and she happy with you. Don't get rushed or pressured into anything you don't want. If you're asking certain questions, you already know the answer and at the end of the day, there is no true logic to matters of the heart so don't try interjecting logic where there is none.

Here's to another 20 years of life, love, and a happy marriage to you and yours......

Here's kis stepping off her soapbox and returning this thread back to it's rightful OP.........

 

[mabus]

I agree with Marquis De Sade, Kis, BellaRisa, everyone else......great responses.....

Well, I was very UNHAPPILY married, and had a bitter divorce, so I think I can give you as good as or BETTER advice than those who have happy marriages - it's easy for someone who's been burned to tell you that a burn hurts like hell.....

There was a story told by an old priest I knew about a woman who suddenly lost her husband in an accident, and when her friends went to see her, she was a "black hole of despair." Now, the story was about having a strong faith so that doesn't happen, but it also spoke to me about really loving someone - if they die or leave you, you are just utterly devastated.
If you're secretly or subconsciously wishing she'd leave you or go have an affair so you'd have an easy excuse to leave....you got problems.

If you're not happy, then yes[?], you already know the answer.
She's not the one, sorry.

I had serious reservations before I got married. But I was alone for most of my life, my home life was chaotic, she was pressuring me to get married....I got married for all the wrong reasons.
I told myself, "I'll figure it out later," or "I'll be more attracted to her after we get married," or "She'll treat me with more respect after we get married, maybe...."

Whoever you marry, they're NOT CHANGING. That is the BIGGEST flaw of people who get married.
If you marry some fat ass, and assume they'll start dieting the day after you get married....WHY WOULD THEY?
If they abuse you, disrespect you, talk down to you, squash your dreams, sabotage areas of your life, lie, steal, cheat, ...or have a tickle fetish, pantyhose fetish, clown fetish, like their hair played with, whatever, it's not like when you put that ring on their finger, man or women, that suddenly Stan Bush's "You've Got The Touch!" will start playing from heaven, and they'll completely become a new person.
"Oh, for some reason I have all this strange RESPECT for you! How'd that happen? It must have been the ring!" "Wow, I have absolutely NO DESIRE to tickle you anymore! How'd that happen?!"

No, NO, whatever they got, or who they are, will be RACHETED UP TO THE 14TH FUCKING DEGREE!!!!!!!

If they're abusive or controlling......... YOU NOW BELONG TO THEM. I hope you have nice strong callouses on your body, because you getting beat and yelled at.
Conversely, if they LOVE sex, and LOVE tickling....they just agreed to spend the rest of their lives with you! That's a HUGE turn on! If you're wife LOVES to tickle.....you're going to spend your honeymoon SCREAMING and SCREAMING and SCREAMING with raucous laughter as she plays with and scratches and tickles and caresses every inch of your tied up bare feet.....socks will come later, pal, it's FULL ON LAUGHTER TONIGHT! It doesn't matter where you spend your honeymoon, you'll probably never leave the bed.....


And the pressuring to have kids ain't no "biological clock," that's her way of trying to gain control over you forever - get out get out get out NOW!

Oh yeah, she'll pop out a kid, then you're trapped, unless you leave, then she'll have you paying child support for the next 18 plus years, while she dates other guys and gets to enjoy fucking the shit out their dick while you pay for their dates - "Oh GOD your dick feels so GOOD! YESSSS!!!! Let's go eat steaks at that fancy restaurant when we're done here, don't worry, it's free - it's on my ex-boyfriend's tab!!! HA HA HA !!!!!!" - screw it, I'm not beating around any bushes here, I've been through a shitty 10 years, and thank GOD I never had kids.

How do you know if they're the "one?"

Emotions wise, does your heart leap when you see them? I've had a few girls do that to me, and I would have fought much harder to keep those.
I hated everyday of my life because I didn't have that. Are you sexually attracted to them? Do they please you in bed?
(YES, cutting off angry ladies at the pass - this obviously goes both ways. TickleMyFancy, YES, you need a guy who lets you tickle him, and preferably gets into it.
(I'm sure you're looking for the guy in my honeymoon part....)
I'm going to post more on this later, but how would you feel if you told a guy you LOVED to tickle, like, ALL THE TIME, and he should expect to have his feet played with several
times a week ( at least!) while he screams with laughter! ...and he said "Well, I love you, so why not?!" And then he gets into it, and calls you up at work to ask you what color feather you like, and things like that..... would you want THAT marriage, or one where the guy was like "Ughh! You're not tickling me, that's gross! Let's just go do what I want to do! Come on, dammit!" )

There are scores of guys and gals in the first marriage I described - ones where the guy loves pantyhose, and the wife will spend all day in them to please him, or guys will keep in shape to make his wife happy, etc.,
Then there are scores more who are trapped in the second one - they are looking for a big reason to leave, they are secretly and profoundly unhappy, and have either resigned themselves to their miserable lives, or are too scared, wussy, don't want the hassle, or paranoid to leave.

There are wives who call their husband and inform them that they're wearing pantyhose and lingerie, holding a feather waiting for them when they get home, they're are husbands who call their wives and tell them the housework's done and supper will be ready when they get home (hey, that was me many, many times.....fat lot of good that did me....) ..........and then there are ones who don't even call their spouses, or call to criticize them.

Men want women who look up to them, and women want men who respect them, love them, and also, look up to them. Value each of their's opinions, help them grow as people, have fun together.
How many people know "power couples?" Not financial power, but that usually comes naturally from mutually building each other up. But couples who help all those around them, that if they ever broke up, a huge chunk of goodness and positivity would be gone from the world. You see they're just IN LOVE. Their friends stay their friends, and now talk about you as "man and woman" "We're going see 'Dave and Julie' this weekend," not Dave, or Julie, but DaveandJulie. It becomes a new word. You both become better people being together. They in turn help everyone in their lives become better people.

Then there are toxic relationships, where Dave had all these friends, he helped his family, he was always so happy - then he met Mary, and it was all downhill - she insults him in front of his family and friends, he's always moody or angry, depressed, he never has time for friends anymore, he's given up all his passions and hobbies. Again, same for girls. "She used to be so popular, then she met goober, dickhead, now no one ever sees her." I have a cousin like that. Her husband must always be there, even when she goes gets a haircut. If she comes over to visit, ...oh yeah, he's RIGHT THERE. Never lets her out of his sight. He'd shit on himself rather than leave her alone with another human being. Fucking asshole.

All these complaints about ticklephile's spouses not being tickled, or tickling you - honestly, being sexually compatible is a big part of life happiness. If they really loved you, tickling is NOT a big deal.
I actually don't particularly like being tickled...but if I ever find a girl who actually loves me, and she has an uncontrollable tickle fetish.....WOW! I guarantee I'll be the husband shopping for feathers at the hobby store!

GQguy, I"m sorry you're going through this. This sucks. I'm alone now in life, have kind of given up on finding anyone, and I really hope you don't turn out like me. You're a good guy, even when we disagree on politics! and I hope you do find "the one." Which obviously involves work, but it's NOT REALLY WORK. If pleasing your wife is considered "work?" I guess it is. If you're an abject narcissist who only cares about yourself, then yes, pleasing you wife, dressing in what she thinks is sexy, doing the dishes for her, helping her with housework, especially when she's sick or tired, pushing her to better herself and pursue HER dreams while being able to pursue your own, encouraging her to spend times with her friends and family (who will ALL become friends when a "power couple" situation happens - yes, I've seen it too, I have a few folks currently in my life right now who are power couples).....that's not work for people in LOVE, but it's impossible for people only concerned about themselves.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

I'm a very logical person obsessed with making sure I don't make mistakes in love. I want to make sure my blind spots are covered.

I can certainly relate to logical reasoning. I'm damn near a robot most of the time and almost always remove emotion from every equation because I think it clouds my judgement and decision making ability. That being said, mistakes have a LOT to do in regards to matters of love. I might be very wrong in this assessment but I believe aspects of love can be reckless and hard and rife with mistakes of all kinds. But that's just part of the very fulfilling big picture. Love is unpredictable which might be viewed as a negative and something to fear as the outcome is of the darkest or lightest unknown.

To better explain myself, look at it in reverse: You can't PLAN to fall IN love. It just happens. In some cases whether you want it to or not. If ever you feel yourself falling, it can be one of the most frightening things one will ever experience as someone's fight or flight reflex probably can't tell the difference between a potential soul-mate from the adrenaline rush of being chased by a raptor.

Love is high risk/high reward. The risk has ruined some people for life. The rewards have been indescribable for others.

"gentlemen, how did you know she was the one?".

I used this analogy recently while talking to another friend of mine about a similar situation he's having. I personally believe in being as much of a whole person first before having enough of yourself to offer anyone else. Provided you're looking for a healthy and meaningful relationship. There are the usual tick boxes of course like steady income, a place to live, using soap, etc. But I mean more personal traits. Not having to rely on someone else for validation or happiness, being confident and comfortable with you are and feeling as if you have a purpose which gives one drive and ambition (highly admirable traits to anyone). No one is ever "complete" obviously, but I believe you do eventually reach a point where you feel somewhat very accomplished with your base foundation and functionality as a human being. Then, and here comes the analogy, just when you think you're almost there, someone wanders into your life with (prepare yourself for some cheese 😀), a key that they weren't even aware they were carrying. With this key, they're able to easily unlock parts of you that YOU yourself weren't even aware you had. You had no idea your true and full potential until this person comes along and the two of you and every trait you both possess become...more. You in turn, have this other person's key.

As cheesy as it sounds, I believe a huge majority of people that haven't closed themselves off to the idea are all wandering around looking for the unlocked door it belongs to. It may take a few tries but what's in that vault is unique to each and couldn't be put into words. Perhaps I myself just can't. I'm on my second can of Rockstar now and jittery. 😛

Marriage isn't easy

For some. But not all. Each marriage is different as each relationship is different because the individuals in those relationships are all unique. There are stats of course but I relate marriage stats to reading news articles on how (insert percentage of people here) think that (insert topic here) is a douche bag. I've never been a part of any of those polls regarding ANYTHING. Therefore, it wasn't a true and complete assessment as my vote concerning whatever was never asked for, least of all counted.

I'm sure there are stupidly blissful marriages that involve skipping magical unicorns and clouds that sparkle. There are also marriages that were doomed from the first and others that are rough and difficult but still last.

I want to know what works. Not what doesn't work.

To be blunt, no one here can provide you with true answers. Because they're YOUR answers. And what works for one may not work for someone else. The most you'll get here are opinions and advice based on individual experiences (and therefore slightly skewered, this includes my own), or stats pulled from, uh, wherever stats are pulled from. Not to say those are all wrong by any means but in the end, you live in your own skin and we live in ours.

It sounds stupid but from personal experience the old saying, "You'll just know" is true and having lived through that moment myself, it's much deeper and has much more meaning than it may seem on the surface. 🙂

 

[coldneck]

I am never, ever, ever getting married.

I understand that that is not helpful in the least... but it's true.

Well, a lot of guys never do. They get pushed into it. Trapped. Then unhappy.

When you meet the right one, you'll want to.

 

[Bohemianne]

My unhappiness started after we moved together. For years I felt like a well oiled machine accomplishing goal after goal. But now at the time where I need the most focus i'm distracted and responsible for someone's happiness other than my own. I used to work hard an play hard. Now I work...and watch tv. I make more than double what I earned a year ago and still broke and having far less fun. She wants to get married soon(before my training is up) and I don't want to think about. She wants to have kids before my MBA is done and no idea make me unhappier.

Perhaps this is the starting point of your misery. If you are still undergraduate, never get serious into relationship, much more live pre-maritally with one. You are halfway into the trap now, actually. If you really want to finish your noble studies, then it is better to live in full concentration --> alone.

She is 5 years older while you are still a student? Looks like you're still both young. She must be encouraged to focus on her career and earn well instead of plunging into family life already. There is plenty of time for creating kids and building a family after all your studying is over, IMHO. You'll realize after you graduate that the world is still a vast wasteland to frontier and you will be juiced to do another level of rat race. Any situation (single or married) can get you to your journey but try to imagine if there is a kid or mouth to feed by the time you want to push through your limits. There is no reason for you to hurdle earning twice and be burdened by this all.

But since I can't rule out what you have now, just good luck on your decisions.