Happy International Women’s Day (The "Don’t Be That Guy" Guide to Kink Etiquette)

[Cavum]

Happy International Women’s Day to all the lovely ladies in the scene! 💗
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I posted this on FetLife today and figured it would fit here as well. Anyway...I love women, and—shocker—so do many other men. However, after talking to many women I know in the community, a recurring theme has emerged: their inboxes are currently a digital dumpster fire. It’s a literal tidal wave of guys who are brand new to this "kink business" and seem to have left their manners in their other pair of pants.

To the new guys on FetLife or any other kink forum: I’ve put together a little guide to help you show some respect and, frankly, keep you from getting blocked within thirty seconds.

1. The "Street Test"​

Believe it or not, kinky women are regular human beings. It is generally considered "smart" to get to know them before you lead with: "Nice pic, I want to spank, tickle, fuck, and punish you!" Ask yourself: Would you walk up to a woman at a grocery store and say that? If the answer is yes, please put down the phone and seek professional help immediately.

2. Labels Aren't Invitations​

Just because a woman identifies as a sub, slave, or masochist doesn't mean your first message should be: "Hi slut! Do this for me, bitch!" Refer back to Rule #1. "Submissive" is a role, not a free pass for you to skip the "Hello, how is your day going?" phase. Politeness is the ultimate lubricant for social interaction.

3. The "There’s Something About Mary" Protocol​

If you’re feeling particularly... urgent... do yourself a favor: "Clear the pipes" before you hit send. Sending a message while you're thinking with your lowercase head is a recipe for disaster. Post-nut clarity is the best editor a man can have.

4. The "Hard-On" Profile Pic (Just Don't)​

Seriously, what is with the torso-down, erect-penis profile pictures? Have you ever heard of a woman saying, "OMG, a blurry photo of a stranger's cock! We should get married/hit the dungeon immediately!"?

Pro-Tip: If you're shy about your face, be creative. Show your gear (no not that gear), your hobbies, or even a well-dressed photo. A profile that just says "Looking for fun" is the "Plain Oatmeal" of the kink world. Nobody is excited for it.

5. The "Me Too" Excuse​

If you’ve ever unironically said, "I don’t dare talk to women anymore because of the MeToo movement," what you’re actually saying is, "I don’t know how to interact with women without being a predator." If you need a movement to tell you not to be a creep, the problem isn't the movement—it's your social skills.

6. Fantasy vs. Reality​

In a romance novel, the billionaire kidnaps the girl and she loves it. In reality, that’s a felony. Understand that "CNC" (Consensual Non-Consent) requires a massive amount of trust and prior discussion. You don't get to roleplay the fantasy until you’ve mastered the reality of being a decent person.

7. Don't Be a "Nice Guy" Paradox​

If you get a reply saying she’s not interested, or (more likely) no reply at all, do not pivot to: "Fine, ignore me then, you’re ugly anyway, bitch." That mentality should have stayed in the third-grade playground. If you can't handle rejection, you aren't mature enough for a dungeon.

8. Go Outside (Seriously)​

If you want to meet people, find a local BDSM/fetish club or a "Munch" (a casual social meet-up at a restaurant). It’s scary to take that first step, but it’s the best way to learn and meet people. Just remember: these are real people. Don't walk in and start trying to whip the waitress.

9. The Holy Trinity: SSC & RACK​

Keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Or, if you prefer the newer model: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Either way, if "Consent" isn't your favorite word, you’re in the wrong community.