Sorry I haven't responded to anyone until today. I really do appreciate some of the advice, I'd just decided to stay away from internet forums for a few days, cause we all know how forums work wonders on the blood pressure!
Anyway:
Either let some of it out of your system (rant, vent, turn to a friend, write, blast some death metal), or wait for the initial manic state you're in right now to simmer down on its own, then deal with the underlying emotion. If it's something you don't understand, go backwards in your mind and run through everything that led up to that moment. The more you understand something and break it down, the hows, the whys, etc. The more you'll start to feel like you have a grasp on what happened, why it happened and where the other person is coming from and why. The same goes with fear.
Another thing you might want to keep in mind is that whatever that person used against you only hurt so much because whatever was said had an element of truth to it. I mean that delicately. Nothing else would hurt as much, nothing but the truth leaves you as vulnerable. Without knowing details, know that whatever was said was merely spoken out loud. It's something you already know about yourself but are either afraid of or uncomfortable with. Your attacker knew that. So either deal with whatever that is or realize that all the other person really did was parrot back what you already know. Nothing has actually changed. The information was just laid out in front of you in an attempt to hurt you, not help. Remove the personal and look at it from that perspective. I hope THAT helps.
Very good advice to try and percieve it from an objective point of view. I appreciate it.
However, as far as their being "an element of truth"... that part doesn't apply to this particular example. It isn't what they said; it's what they did. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and this person knows why, and purposely did things to trigger me to have a serious episode and then got off laughing while they did it, and "twisting the knife" as much as possible.
I am trying to apply the logic of your advice to other things this person has done, such as facing the truth of hurtful things they have said and I agree with you. But there are times when things hurt not because there is any truth to them at all, but rather because of the pain of someone ignorantly illegitimizing everything that you stand for, painting you as the exact opposite of what you really are.
There are SO many more important things in our lives that deserve our attention. The person who "burned" you doesn't deserve your time or your attention. Try to let them go and write it off as a lesson learned. Each lesson in life, no matter how difficult it might be, is something that gives you an opportunity to learn and grow.
I wish you peace in your heart.
Jan
I am saddened by what happened to you, and I appreciate your advice and well wishes. You're right that this person does not deserve my attention and I seem like an idiot for being involved with them at all in the first place, however I am finding it difficult to let go, as this person had become my family, despite their sadistic nature.
Start by separating person from behavior. I believe in a very basic goodness in most people. People will tend to do what they think is good at the time. Now, their view may be skewed, and so, their concept of good may be incredibly twisted and/or self-centered, but they still think it's the right or necessary thing to do in a given context, or they wouldn't do it.
Now, whatever they did, at some level, they believed that there was some good in it at the time. They may have been mistaken, and many are -- just as we all are taken in sometimes by wrong thinking. It's human.
Their failings are yours. Maybe worse, maybe not, but we all have errors in judgement.
Have compassion for them, because those who do evil have likely had evil done to them, leaving them broken.
Generally speaking, I find it very hard to hate a person. To do so would be as senseless as hating someone for being mentally ill. It's not within their power for the most part. It's not their fault they can't see outside themselves, their behaviors, or recognize their own shortcomings.
I can hate a deed or the outcome of a deed, but this too would be wasteful of my time and energy. And in the end, even the worst acts or circumstances have the potential to yield positive results. From a terrorist attack that killed thousands, hundreds of millions were united. From an unnecessary war and the deaths of hundreds of thousands, a country has rid itself of a brutal dictator, and millions will learn a freedom their predecessors lacked. You have been grievously hurt, and you will learn how to avoid this hurt again and grow strong.
Life is learning. Read from your experience whatever lessons you can.
Well wow Capn, my feelings towards you have drastically changed after reading this, and that helps a lot in itself. A very wise and enlightened post, and sincerely thank you for it. I believe what you've shared is the best advice for me at this point here, though my difficulty is in my being governed by emotions rather than logic. I always see the logical side of things, and what you've pointed out is very true and I hope that soon my heart and mind can synchronize with those philosophies, as I am prone to being swept up in my emotions.
Thank you for a genuine response despite our differences in other threads.
Everyone's given you good advice and you should take all of it. After you've gone through the hate, anger, bitterness, and sheer rage of it all, it's about time you sat down with you and started asking the tough questions.
I don't know if these emotions are coming from a recent or long-past relationship but based on some of your previous posting, I'm starting to see a pattern emerge. There are certain personalities we tend to be attracted to that are just plain old unhealthy for us and we should avoid like the plague, but we don't because it's just plain too hot! The chemistry sets us ablaze in the beginning but incinerates us in the end because the very thing that attracted us to the person ends up being the thing that repels (or even repusles) us in the end. I'm also venturing to guess that a lot of that hatred and anger is at yourself because you end up in the same spot every time.
Borg, it's time to stand in the mirror and check yourself (and I mean this in the most constructive way that I can). You need to ask yourself where is your responsibility in the relationship if for no other reason that you're allowing crap to go on for way too long. There is no 100-0 relationships; in other words, both parties are responsible for an unsuccessful relationship. Learn to spot the signs long before you plunge heart-deep in your relationship. I bet if you really take the time for self-introspection you'll see what I'm talking about, learn the signs, and take the steps to avoid a lot of hurt and pain.
When I did the "man/woman in the mirror" I ended up taking a six year hiatus from dating and relationships. I needed to purge myself from a lot of old mess in my life that defined the men I chose to date/marry. I had to deal with lack of self-confidence and self-esteem (issues I still work on a daily basis) and stopped being a man's doormat. Now those were my issues; your's may be different but if you think you're issue-free then ask yourself one question; "how do I always end up here?" Until you take time to find those answers, you're going to land in the same miserable spot every single time, trust me on this one.
You impress me as a young guy; don't waste your youth on nonsense. You spend a lot of time developing your body; invest some time in developing and strengthening your mind and emotions too. If you do it now, you'll save yourself decades of hurt in the long run. You can't control how others treat you, but you can use it as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and be more selective as to whom you allow in your life in the future.
You're also correct, as you say there is no "100-0" in relationships. You're right, that I allowed myself to end up in this place -- not at first, but certainly recently. I have known for a long time that this person was abusive, and instead of saying "so long" I allowed my interactions with them to continue, and that is my fault.
I've known it all along, but it is next to impossible to just cut the cord when someone has become family, and even more-so pretty much the only family I have. I've spent many days and nights throughout the past few years wrestling with which decision would be more painful -- a damned if I do, damned if I don't sort of scenario.
I agree wholely with what you say about developing the mind as well as the body, and also the soul. Despite what many may believe about me due to quarreling in certain threads, I am a very spiritual person. I have been in heavy practice of the teachings of the Tao Te Ching and Buddhism, and much less successfully, the teachings of Christ (even though I do not identify myself as a "Christian" in the religious sense) for the past few years, and I can honestly say my mind and soul are much more developed than even my body, but I'd just reached a breaking point.
Very wise and enlightened advice from you as well, and I thank you sincerely. I am also glad that we seem to be becoming more amiable despite our differences in other threads.
To everyone else who replied I am equally appreciative, and again I am sorry I didn't reply right away.
That's what works for me, anyway. Give it enough time, and I eventually stop caring about what it was that the person did, no matter how bad it was. I can still resent the person for their actions and withhold forgiveness, but it takes effort to draw forth that resentment, and apathy usually wins.
