Jokes

[Mr T.]

A woman comes home from a girl's night out and say's to her husband I would like you to pay for some cosmetic surgery for me I would like some bigger boobs like the ones my friends have got. No you don't want cosmetic surgery darling all you need to do is go to the bathroom get some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs,do this for a year or two and your boobs are bound to grow. That will never work his wife said, why not! replied her husband it's worked on your arse.

 

[Mr T.]

Two Old Ladies Having A Smoke Outside The Old People's Home. It Starts To
Rain, One Of The Old Ladies Pulls Out A Condom, Snips Off The End, Puts
Her
Cigarette Inside The Condom And Continues To Smoke Without Her Cigarette
Getting Wet.

"what An Amazing Invention" Her Friend Says - "what Is This Thing And
Where
Can I Get Them?"
"they Are Called Condoms And You Can Buy Them At Any Pharmacy" Is The
Answer

The Next Day She Totters Off To The Local Boots. The Pharmacist Is A
Little Taken Aback When She Asks For A Large Box Of Condoms (she Is 96
Years
Old). He Wants To Check That She Knows What She Is Asking For "any
Particular Brand Madam" He Asks Her
"no" She Replies, "just As Long As They'll Fit A Camel"

 

[Mr T.]

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.'Who's he?' said the scouser. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.


Now that is genius

 

[Faramir]

Texas foreplay...."get in the truck"

 

[banansfn1]

"The big story continues to be the Michael Jackson scandal. Michael Jackson met with his priest today. Not for spiritual advice. They went on a double date.

When arrested by Santa Barbara police, Michael Jackson was 5'10 and weighed 155 lbs. When asked why he was so skinny he answered, "because I'm always eating off the childrens menu."