Lessons my mother taught me

[bellystrokes]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

! 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

 

[milagros317]

LOL 😛
Very amusing list. 😀

 

[tickleterror]

LMAO heard some from that list before but most were new.

 

[Mastertank1]

My mom said them all; here are the answers I gave!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

Might as well; there's no more room to hide bodies in here.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

How about I pray you get a decent carpet instead?

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Better duck when they bounce me back. They won't want me either.

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

That means you won't admit you don't have a clue.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

No, I'll go to the hospital, where at least I'll get decent meals.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Get any of it clean and I'll wear it! You haven't yet!

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

Being your kid is plenty to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

What, you want me to snort it?

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

I could, if all the mirrors didn't break when you smiled in them!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

Okay. Good thing I know how to sleep sitting up.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

Told ya not to leave the windows open.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

And I told you a million times, I never ever do! Reality understates!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

I'm recording these threats for use in court, ya know!

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

Who's acting?

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

Don't you mean MORE fortunate?

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

TAXI! Airport please!

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

If I don't like 'it' you'll get 'it' right back.

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you
don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

Is that why yours are always bugging out?

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

No, I don't think you know when I'm cold, or anything else about me.

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Of course not; you wouldn't know hat to do. I'll crawl to a podiatrist.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Why, you gonna kill me?

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

Thank you! I try to be!

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

(looking around) Yes, as a matter of fact....

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

Oh, I understand right now; you just won't admit the truth.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

I'll never have kids, because I'm afraid they will!

I was an insufferable little wiseass!

 

[naughty1]

Ah yes, brings me back to my chldhood...not that I ever truly left my childhood. Care to play? Nice touch, goddess. Very funny.

 

[OnnaOtaku]

I am so going to be like that when I have kids.... if I ever do. I feel bad for them already.

 

[storyteller]

...25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Our Mom said this most often to my younger sister, who in fact did get a daughter JUST LIKE HER. Poor kid can't get away with anything because WE ALL KNOW what she's going to do because her Mother already did it! Great list, Bellystrokes!

 

[Dário F]

Hysterical! Those are leassons for life...

 

[Illtcklu]

.............. and nothing about breaking piano hammers, getting kicked out of an adult book store, being deported............. it's safe to say I think outside the box..........( wherever that box is)?