My fiance of three years caught me tickling at ex's feet. I need help / advice

[Vepik]

This is my first time truly realizing I have a problem with urges and control, and I need help. I don't know where to begin. If you read this and respond genuinely, I won't be able to thank you enough.

Ever since I was a kid, I had a fetish for women's feet and tickling. The first time I knew this was when I got aroused watching tickling interrogation in cartoons. When the internet exploded and online porn became a thing, I was hooked on the "tickle torture" dom /sub fantasy. The more laughter, the more arousing it was.

Growing up, my foot thing was a constant source of frustration, shame, and I kept it as hidden as possible. Dating was difficult, and I kept it completely hidden until I was in college. My first girlfriend didn't really care for it and broke up with me after a year; my second, same thing. I've only had one girlfriend (six years ago) who really embraced it, who was really subby and encouraged it, and we broke up because she had health issues / personal issues.

After her I was single for a very long time, just hung out with my friends, did my job, and when the urges came, there was porn. It kept me out of trouble and I was safe from harm or hurting / disappointing others.

When I finally made the plunge into dating, I met the woman of my dreams. Totally understanding of everything, we clicked on every level... but she was never really ticklish or submissive, and I found myself sometimes resorting to my "safe" place, porn, to supplement my arousal. She and I had sex once, twice a week, and sometimes I had trouble preforming (this is tied to foreplay). She found out about my porn and wasn't happy, and I told her I would stop. Realistically I just cut back, or used it in times when I wanted to have sex with her but our schedules wouldn't allow it.

All along I never thought I had a problem, or it would be / cause a problem.

My ex of six years ago randomly contacted me five months ago. She was distraught over her health / mortality and was reaching out. Severely troubled. Being an idiot, I invited her over. She cried about how scared she was, the few times her health issues brought her close to death, etc etc... and towards the end of it all, I wound up tickling her feet. JUST tickling her feet. The pornography / fantasy side of me always makes me want to film every encounter, and like an idiot I did. I can't stress the "like an idiot" part enough. My fiance found pictures of them on me, and was absolutely ripshit. I promised it would never happen again. I deleted my ex from every part of my life; Facebook, cell phone, everything. After a night of fighting, the next day we were okay. At least I thought we were.

Five months go by and everything is exactly the way used to be. Our relationship is close with family, close with friends, endless inside jokes, same hobbies. We've always had the relationship that everyone dreams about; all our friends and family say we're perfect for one another, so on so forth.

Two weeks ago, my ex messages me on Facebook, "we're not friends anymore?" and this happens a few times. After initially ignoring it, I attempt to explain to her I just can't talk to her, out of the question.

This is where I truly feel weak. In an attempt to put an end to this, I told her she can stop by and I'll be more than happy to go into detail. It was a nice day outside and I was doing yardwork, I figured I could keep it contained outside and avoid any issues. I'm an idiot for even thinking this. She showed me a pedicure, acted subby / encouraging, and I gave in to tickling her feet again. Again, my fiance found out, yesterday.

It was at that exact moment that it all came to me like a car accident. I have been downplaying the urges and my lack of willpower for them my entire life. Unable to completely remove porn from my life. Unable to just not tickle her; unable to process that doing so is cheating to my fiance. Unable to man up to the fact that I fucked up repeatedly, I lied about it happening. I just couldn't process and cope with me losing control like that, and lying was the worst thing I could have done. THAT'S when I knew I had a problem. I never lied about anything else in my life, everything else I do, I'm a complete and total open book... the fact that something came over me that I gave in to, and then felt I had to hide, was it for me. It was also it for her.

Her wedding ring is here. Her jewelry is here. All her wedding planning material, all her clothes, belongings, she took back to her apartment. She left a note with the porn pictures that says "you're a fking liar and a cheater".

The text she sent me later that day was "You have a problem and your problem is that you have an addiction to this. You want to have fun and play your fantasy game and when I can't do that with you then you go to someone else. You keep doing this selfishly for your own benefit and you have no regard for how it might affect me. You are jeopardizing our relationship and our future marriage for your own sexual gratification. I can't trust you. You need to get help. I want space until you can show me proof from a therapist that you're getting help. If you can't end this, I'm calling off the wedding and this will be over. I am not f**king around. This is my life and I will not deal with this.

This is where I am now. I've contacted a therapist that specializes in sexual dysfunctions, relationship issues, and personality issues. The first step is admitting you have a problem. But I'm hell right now. I don't know if I have a fiance anymore, and every moment without her here is hell. I her my fiances voice in my head and I fall apart. I'm numb, I'm a mess. I'm an idiot, I screwed up badly, and (as I told her), I'll do whatever it takes to make this right and fix this. I love her, I hurt her, I have a problem I need to sort out, and I'm scared like hell that I have destroyed the one greatest shot at happiness I'll ever have because of tickling feet as cheating. Am I truly fked??

tl;dr I have a foot fetish and my fiance of three years may end our wedding and relationship because she caught me tickling an ex's feet twice. It took this to make me realize I have a problem with urges (porn, etc), and I'm now seeing a therapist and doing whatever it takes to make it right. What do I do to win her back?

 

[Wolf]

Accept that her decision was best for both of you, and move on. You both deserve to be happy, don't you?

 

[Sandisk444]

Well, I can't speak for your fiancée here but you need to be sure that you're upset because of your problem and how it's affecting the woman that you love and not just because you got caught.

Take this seriously, you need to be 100% committed to solving this issue if you're going to have any chance of mending your relationship. Seeing a therapist is only the stepping stone to the first step. Anyone can go to a professional and tell them that they are sorry and spill their regrets/mistakes. The only thing that's going to help here is your own attitude and commitment.

I do wish you the best of luck with this, I'm sure people will have negative opinions of what you did but if you're truly serious about wanting to fix your issues and make things work than I hope that happens for you. Everyone deserves happiness.

 

[Vepik]

It's like walking away from a car crash when I should have been paying attention. I know now how wrong and hurtful what I did was, and I'm ready to see a therapist and do whatever it takes. I really do.

 

[Wolf]

It's like walking away from a car crash when I should have been paying attention. I know now how wrong and hurtful what I did was, and I'm ready to see a therapist and do whatever it takes. I really do.

I'm not trying to be cold or harsh, here, I mean it; but is it your intent to go to therapy and get rid of your fetish? Even if that were possible (I'm not sure it is), do you think that would fix everything with your ex-fiancee?

 

[Sensualswitch10]

I doubt that this will help, but here goes.

I don't think a foot fetish or a tickling fetish can be "cured". And I don't think anyone who has one should be condemned to a life of repressing it. That sounds more like hell to me than losing any one particular woman, no matter how great she seems.

Ok, so she's not very ticklish. She can't help that. But come on, she can't even play along and indulge your foot fetish?! Or maybe just giggle a little bit even if it doesn't tickle all that much? That's fucking selfish too. And the fact that you went out and tickled someone else's feet after she refused to give you something that you NEED in order to be sexually satisfied? How many men cheat on their wives (and I mean full on intercourse) because their wives refuse to have sex with them. That's just something that is likely to happen when one partner denies the other partner something that they need.

There's a concept that Dan Savage came up with that all good lovers should be. It's called GGG and it stands for Good, Game and Giving. I'd suggest looking it up, he explains it better than I can.
If you are going to reconcile with her, which I don't advocate btw, I would take a little harder line on her being a little GGG as part of the deal. If she can't do it, which apparently she hasn't even tried to in 3 years, you're better off without her. It sounds like she thinks there is something wrong with you sexually just for being the way you are.

That's just my two cents, and you and I probably had very different experiences in life. But I hope things turn out for the best for you.
And of course it's going to hurt if things don't work out with her. But like Garth Brooks said, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

 

[Vepik]

She's told me there's nothing wrong with my fetish, it's what I did with/about it: "You have a problem and your problem is that you have an addiction to this. You want to have fun and play your fantasy game and when I can't do that with you then you go to someone else. You keep doing this selfishly for your own benefit and you have no regard for how it might affect me. You are jeopardizing our relationship and our future marriage for your own sexual gratification. I can't trust you. You need to get help. I want space until you can show me proof from a therapist that you're getting help. If you can't end this, I'm calling off the wedding and this will be over. I am not f**king around. This is my life and I will not deal with this."

Like one of the posters said, it's that I didn't see how severe it was, how badly I was hurting her when this happened -- and that I wasn't strong enough to avoid those situations in the first place. But now with her missing, with her belongings missing, I fully understand just how awful it was. I understand just how badly I hurt her. And I'm committed to addressing this with a professional so my attitude changes, because I a 100 percent committed to this.

 

[laughinggaszone]

The problem is that a relationship is a two way street. Porn and fetishes are not inherently bad. They become problems when the person conceals these things for even what they believe are the best of reasons or when the either interferes in the relationship. You feel that you have done wrong and to most you have made some serious mistakes. Right now, you have to decide whether you are willing/able to completely give up your fetish. Your fiance doesn't seem to understand your fetish and expects you to give it up for her. Can you do that? Are you willing to do that? It's easy to say yes, when you are desperate. But your fetish is linked to you and may be something that you will always be tempted to revisit. A therapist may be able to help both of you. You need help reigning it in, but your fiance needs help understanding you. If you two are going to live happily ever after, you can't secretly resent her for forcing you to divest yourself of your fetish and you can't be forever tempted by it if she insists that it is the deal breaker.

Right now, she is upset and understandably so. You are making attempts to seek therapy. When she has had a chance to calm down, you might suggest that she accompany you on some of the therapy sessions, if your therapist feels it will help at this stage. She sees the worst kind of outcome from fetishes and porn. Perhaps, if she attends some sessions, she will come away with a better understanding. This does not mean that she will change her mind, but she may understand you better and try to help you as much as she can. If she loves you (and I imagine she does), she will be willing to be there for you and also wants to make your relationship work.

Again, it's a two way street. I suggest you talk to her when she is willing to talk, but not push anything on her. She's hurting right now. Time may very well heal these wounds, but you will need to be patient. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[meangry]

So...let me get this straight.

From the onset of your relationship with your financee, you've been forced to shutter a part of yourself? Look, no offense, but from what you're describing here, you made your bed when you didn't stand up for something that is central to your identity. Does your fetish have you so socially crippled that you can't function? Are you blowing off going to work to beat your dick to tickle porn? You have urges. And these are important to you. And rather than make them fully and truly apparent to your fiancee three years ago, you decided to completely acquiesce and cut all this stuff out cold turkey.

And that's why you're the bad guy here. You created the framework for this relationship, and rather than be forthright, you went out of bounds. It's not incumbent upon her to yield to your wants. This is an issue you should've been able to deal with within your first few dates. Yeah, you can go to therapy, you can talk about how these urges can be controlled, but what's the reality? There's an absence in your life, and no matter what you do, something will break you down, eventually.

But this is what happens you choose not to embrace this, and instead let this control you.

 

[Wolf]

I doubt that this will help, but here goes.

I don't think a foot fetish or a tickling fetish can be "cured". And I don't think anyone who has one should be condemned to a life of repressing it. That sounds more like hell to me than losing any one particular woman, no matter how great she seems.
Ok, so she's not very ticklish. She can't help that. But come on, she can't even play along and indulge your foot fetish?! Or maybe just giggle a little bit even if it doesn't tickle all that much? That's fucking selfish too. And the fact that you went out and tickled someone else's feet after she refused to give you something that you NEED in order to be sexually satisfied? How many men cheat on their wives (and I mean full on intercourse) because their wives refuse to have sex with them. That's just something that is likely to happen when one partner denies the other partner something that they need.
There's a concept that Dan Savage came up with that all good lovers should be. It's called GGG and it stands for Good, Game and Giving. I'd suggest looking it up, he explains it better than I can.
If you are going to reconcile with her, which I don't advocate btw, I would take a little harder line on her being a little GGG as part of the deal. If she can't do it, which apparently she hasn't even tried to in 3 years, you're better off without her. It sounds like she thinks there is something wrong with you sexually just for being the way you are.
That's just my two cents, and you and I probably had very different experiences in life. But I hope things turn out for the best for you.
And of course it's going to hurt if things don't work out with her. But like Garth Brooks said, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

I'm not sure she was unwilling; the OP said she had said, "You want to have fun and play your fantasy game and when I can't do that with you then you go to someone else" (emphasis mine).
So, maybe she wasn't indulging him enough? Dunno. He's understandably upset, so it can be difficult to get things straight.
Ditto on the Dan Savage GGG reference; there are a lot of GGG partners out there; you just have to find them.

 

[Wolf]

She's told me there's nothing wrong with my fetish, it's what I did with/about it: "You have a problem and your problem is that you have an addiction to this. You want to have fun and play your fantasy game and when I can't do that with you then you go to someone else. You keep doing this selfishly for your own benefit and you have no regard for how it might affect me. You are jeopardizing our relationship and our future marriage for your own sexual gratification. I can't trust you. You need to get help. I want space until you can show me proof from a therapist that you're getting help. If you can't end this, I'm calling off the wedding and this will be over. I am not f**king around. This is my life and I will not deal with this."

Like one of the posters said, it's that I didn't see how severe it was, how badly I was hurting her when this happened -- and that I wasn't strong enough to avoid those situations in the first place. But now with her missing, with her belongings missing, I fully understand just how awful it was. I understand just how badly I hurt her. And I'm committed to addressing this with a professional so my attitude changes, because I a 100 percent committed to this.

Sure, you're 100% committed when there's a gun to your head (figuratively); but how will you handle temptation a few years down the road, especially if you come to resent her for making you give something up? This isn't a recipe for happiness, for either of you.

 

[Vepik]

I'm not sure she was unwilling; the OP said she had said, "You want to have fun and play your fantasy game and when I can't do that with you then you go to someone else" (emphasis mine).
So, maybe she wasn't indulging him enough? Dunno. He's understandably upset, so it can be difficult to get things straight.

Maybe that's why I gave into temptation when I clearly shouldn't have? And at the time there was a part of me saying "it's just tickling". Like I was trying to downplay it. With the results I'm facing now, it's clear as day it's not just that.

I should have just brought it up with my fiancé, to play around more. That was my mistake. I'm sure therapy will help me out more with how I internalize all these things.

 

[Wolf]

Maybe that's why I gave into temptation when I clearly shouldn't have? And at the time there was a part of me saying "it's just tickling". Like I was trying to downplay it. With the results I'm facing now, it's clear as day it's not just that.
I should have just brought it up with my fiancé, to play around more. That was my mistake. I'm sure therapy will help me out more with how I internalize all these things.

So, she was willing to play around, she just wasn't doing it enough?

 

[chicago]

Clearly tickling is important to you. Is a woman really the woman of your dreams if she's bothered by a fetish or porn? Is she really the woman of your dreams if you would engage in behavior that you know she wouldn't be happy with, behind her back?

What a way to prepare to spend the rest of your life with someone?

Honestly, think about what you want in life and what makes you happy. Be realistic... If you lived the rest of your life with no outlet for something as ingrained in you as this fetish, would you be happy or would you seek relief from those urges elsewhere as you did here?

It's completely possible to find someone that you are compatible with on all levels. No need to settle.

 

[Angel_2]

First of all I am sorry to hear of the issues your going through its unfortunate. My advice is simple you and your fiancee should go see a counselor and try to work this out. Second if you are to succeed you have to cut your ex off completely because otherwise this could happen again. I would hate to see you lose a girl you really care about over something like foot tickling. It will take time to earn back the trust of your fiancée but it can be done. Sit her down, have a talk and try to sort this issue out. Urges happen we all get them but self control is key to not letting it get out of hand. Best of Luck

 

[maniactickler]

You never should have hooked up with her in the first place. time to move on.

 

[Mitchell]

The problem I see here, the biggest one, is you talking to your ex., and tickling her feet.

You're preparing to marry one woman, and tickling an ex.

Think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed, and your fiance was seeking something.. sexual with an ex, that she didn't feel she had with you. .

Would you like it if your fiance said to you :" I'm not satisfied with X, Y and Z with you. "

Then, there's what others said about.. is your fiance's lack of ticklishness, and your tickling an ex, a sign of something deeper, that.. maybe.. you need something from your fetish/interests that you're missing from your fiance?

Ultimately, everyone knows themselves best of course.

You need to decide.. can I fix whatever is wrong for myself. that I feel is wrong in my realtionship with my fiance, to make me happy, and can I live with.. her.. limited ticklishness, and the other concerns you have about your fetish/sexual circumstances with her,... or.. is my fetish such where to be happy, I really need a woman who is extremely ticklish, to satisfy by tickling/sexual needs?

I hope you can find the peace you're looking for.

 

[robmic]

This whole issue seems pretty one sided to me. You're not getting what you need from your btb, but you can get it from your ex? You are not only dealing with an issue with your btb, but with yourself, too. If you can't get satisfaction from her, but with someone from your past, trying to have a future with her doesn't sound like a "happily ever after" future to me. Somewhere along the line, the train's going to derail. It probably won't be from your ex, either. It could be from anyone that strikes a cord with your fetish. I hate to say it, but you may do better continuing to look for the love of your life. While you may have thought you had found her, you didn't find the "perfect" one. You found one that was close but no cigar!

 

[Phineas]

I agree with everyone else here, and I'll do you one further; I did, in fact, marry a woman who was 100% unwilling to indulge my fetishes thinking that I loved her enough for it to not be an issue.

Spoiler alert; it was. We're no longer together, and that's one of the many reasons... but yes, eventually I did grow to resent her for being unwilling to meet me halfway when I felt like I was constantly bending over backwards for her. You're going to marry a woman who thinks that a fundamental part of you is wrong, and that you need to get help for. Here's the thing, though; that part is not wrong. Sure, you lacked self control and you dun goofed and got in trouble, but here's the thing; it happened because you're not getting your needs met. If you marry this woman, you will continue to not get your needs met, and furthermore you will be shamed for wanting them met. That is the exact opposite of a healthy relationship. It sucks that you found out this far into the relationship, but I guarantee you it would have been worse after you put a ring on it. Cut and run, then either go back to your ex or, barring that, find someone who's more compatible with you. You're simply not going to be happy otherwise. Take it from someone who's been there.

 

[Gothika]

Im sorry your going through this man..everybody has problems and messes up ..we are all human..i messed up a great thing myself because of my problems and i now realize i have things i need to work on but while i was dating here i did not see it..so i see it as a blessing that things happened the way they did..you did a great thing admitting to what you have done,its a have hard thing to do and i hope for the best.. i do agree with what chicago said tho,if you cant be happy with her its time to move on but if you can be honest with her and both of all can work something out that will make both of yall happy they do so

 

[S1]

Sorry that you are going through this bud. There are really two issues here:

1) Can you be happy with someone who isn't as ticklish or doesn't indulge you as much as you feel you need? When I was dating my wife, she seemed to be very ticklish, especially on her feet. After we were married I realized she was doing a fair bit of acting. I wasn't happy....if a girl I dated wasn't ticklish, especially on her feet, I used to just move on. But she indulges my foot fetish regularly and is slightly ticklish in other places, and we've been generally happy for 12 years (remember that marriage will always be a work in progress). You've got to decide how important this girl is to you...total package.

2) Communicating with your ex. Just don't do it. Especially when your current wife or gf isn't involved/aware. It's not going to lead to good places.

 

[Wolf]

This is probably going to be a wildly unpopular sentiment (and troll-bait to boot), but I'm used to that around here, so I'm just gonna toss this out there.
If this is her statement, and if it's a valid assessment of the situation:

"You have a problem and your problem is that you have an addiction to this. You want to have fun and play your fantasy game and when I can't do that with you then you go to someone else. You keep doing this selfishly for your own benefit and you have no regard for how it might affect me. You are jeopardizing our relationship and our future marriage for your own sexual gratification. I can't trust you. You need to get help. I want space until you can show me proof from a therapist that you're getting help. If you can't end this, I'm calling off the wedding and this will be over. I am not f**king around. This is my life and I will not deal with this."

Then you fucked up. Big time. And you can fix it, but not without looking at some things honestly.

If this is accurate, she's been trying to indulge you, it just hasn't been enough for you, and rather than tell her that you weren't happy enough (which is scary, to be sure), you cheated.
And she forgave you. Then, you did it again. Less than six months after you did it the first time. She knows it's sexual for you (based on what you've said, probably more than intercourse), so of course it's going to feel exactly like you cheated on her. Because you did. If she did something with someone else that turned her on as much as tickling turns you on (let's say spanking), would it hurt you? Or would you just say, "it's just spanking...I must not have been doing it enough, even though she never told me that she wanted more"? And then, if she did it again, would it hurt? Sure, you were trying to indulge her, but you just weren't into it the way her old boyfriend was...so, really..who can blame her, right?
From what I'm reading, she's not even breaking it off. All she wants is for you to get a handle on this "addiction" and stop cheating on her. She just doesn't want to have to keep worrying that you'll do it again, without any warning (because, as you're said, you don't tell her when you're not getting enough. You just go elsewhere). So, what could she do keep you from doing it again? If you don't have an answer to that question, how could it be her fault?

If she hasn't really been trying to indulge you, and has been making you feel like it's an imposition to do so (heaven knows, I've heard a lot of those stories here, and it must be really painful to be on the receiving end of that shit), then it's no surprise you cheated, and I wouldn't blame you for doing so. Hell, I wouldn't even call it cheating. If your partner knows what makes you happy, and doesn't want to make you happy, then you have right to look elsewhere. But if her statements are accurate, you need to take a good hard look at what happened, and make your own decisions.

Right now, a lot of people are telling you that you deserve to be happy. And you do. But there are two people in your relationship. Don't they both deserve to be happy? If you love someone, don't you want them to be happy, too?

I know a lot of people are going to disagree with my opinions. A lot of people here aren't in mutually fulfilling relationships. It doesn't make me right and them wrong, but it means we have different perspectives.

 

[robmic]

If you marry this woman, you will continue to not get your needs met, and furthermore you will be shamed for wanting them met. That is the exact opposite of a healthy relationship.

This hit the nail on the head! If you're not getting what you want at home you will always be tempted to find it somewhere else whether you intend to or not. You've already found this out with your ex g/f. Your marriage, should you go through with it, will be a sham. By the way, if you don't mind telling, what is your ex's medical issue?

 

[Vepik]

By the way, if you don't mind telling, what is your ex's medical issue?

Eating disorder to the point that it's severely affecting her health. Heart issues, kidney issues. Hair loss.

 

[kingofkaboom]

This is definitely an interesting and unique scenario. To me, you're both in the wrong here. You don't have an addiction: you have a need. Sex is a basic physiological need and if your means of sexual gratification is through tickling then by definition you need tickling in one way or another. It's one thing for her to not be into the whole tickling thing. That's understandable. But to not allow you to watch porn? I'm sorry but that is total bullshit. You would have to explain that to her because she's denying you of a need and you don't seem too happy about it. And that's no way to live. However, you shouldn't have tickled your ex. Whether it's cheating or not is debatable but that's a situation that you need to recognize that you do have an urge you need to control and that the end result of you giving in to that urge will break her trust. If you two really want this to work then you're probably gonna have to admit to your mistake and take responsibility for your actions. But you also need to get her to understand that this is less of an addiction and more of a physiological need and that some arrangement has to be worked out in order to have that need fulfilled. And the easiest way of doing that is to simply allow you to watch porn. If she's bothered by that then she probably still doesn't understand the concept of a fetish and there'd be no point in moving forward with her. But unless she's very unreasonable then that won't be a problem.