nature vs nurture: a question for the parents among us

[Ayla ny]

as someone who could make a career (oh if only it paid well... ) out of self-analysis, and as a parent, I wonder...

how would you raise a child who has a more than healthy interest in tickling and be sure that you weren’t projecting your own ‘stuff’ at the same time?

(if, as a parent, you would rather PM me... please feel free. I would love a to have an honest to goodness discussion on this topic)

 

[Mimi]

I guess the only thing - I - can say, is the same way I would raise ANY child.

Between Lazarus and I, we have a combined total of 4 children. Two of them are going to be future ticklephiles, guaranteed. One is mine (daughter, age 8), and one is his (son, age 8). Our 7 year old is not afflicted with any interest in it at all, and our 3 year old...well, it's just too early to tell.

Of the two who obviously have inclinations toward tickling, we do not do anything differently with the two of them, than we do with the other two. We try to portray tickling as normal, healthy play between two or more participants. And because of that, our daughter never thinks anything of straight out stating that she wants to "play", and our son never wastes a single opportunity to "attack" my daughter or I. We have a lot of fun, and in our own parently way, we make sure it never gets out of hand (no means no, for instance, and stop means stop, and no pinning allowed).

Neither Lazzy nor I ever did anything with these two, from birth on, to 'nurture' their interest in tickling. It just happened, and it continues to grow for them as they grow older and become more acquainted with their bodies and their minds.

We also never did, nor would we ever, DISCOURAGE them from engaging in tickling play, unless of course it was inappropriate.

The only way we can see dealing with this as they grow older, is to make it clear to them that our door is always open, should they ever feel the need to discuss anything with us. And that includes budding emotions and interests in our own field of interest.

My parents were extremely open with me about all sexual issues. Everything from teenage sex to fetishes to sex with the same gender partner. And that carries on to this day. When my tickling fetish creeped it's way out of the closet, and became known to them, they were both very cool and open minded about it, and quite frankly stated that everyone has fetishes, even them, and that mine was completely normal and nothing to be embarrassed about.

I hope that our children feel that same open minded security from us when the time comes for them, and that they'll feel comfortable coming to us for advice, support, and mental comfort.

Mimi

 

[Ayla ny]

Mimi and Lazarus, thank you so much for responding. making sure it doesn't get out of hand is something I am grappling with. I become torn between my own insecurities, what I think would be a `normal' reaction, and not wanting to make him feel badly for what he feels (not to mention it‘s just plain adorable) but `appropriate' behavior has become an issue. it's something that I'm sure any other parent would dismiss as `cute' or `ornery' and I worry (in my over-thinking kind of way) about over-thinking the whole thing. guess that's why I wanted another person who could relate’s opinion. thanks.

ps I still think that whole `steal the bride' thing is a good idea... 🙂

 

[Goosebumps]

I like what you said Mimi

Ayla ny, you'll be just fine. The only reason I could see you worrying, is if you have insecurities of your own that your child may be picking up on. Most children accept tickling as a form of play up to a certain age. Some will also never view it as anything other than play. The percentage that do develop a sexual fetish can only come to that realization on their own.

I can find tickling very erotic yet, when I'm tickling or being tickled by children, it is strictly playful. My nephew who is 13 and rapidly progressing through the teen stages of puberty, has always enjoyed being tickled. From a very early age he was tickled alot by his mother. He now tickles his 9 year old sister in a playful manner. The 2 of them get along very well and enjoy this kind of play. During family gatherings, my nephew will engage in wrestling and rough-housing with his other cousins which ultimetly end in tickle wars which they all enjoy. My point, I guess, is that tickling and it's affect on our children is purly a result of their own interest in it and how it makes them feel. I would only become concerned if he displayed any sexual behavior towards the other children and I don't see any sign of that yet.

I have always believed that genetics play a key role in this topic. Let's see, I'm a tickler, my sister-in-law is a tickler and now my nephew......ummm, interesting isn't it?

 

[natural tickler]

Well, as for me, in our family, tickling is a way of life. My brothers ad sisters grew up tickling each other, and we still do, and now it has filtered to all the nieces and nephews. So, we keep it in a playful manner, and on Fridays and holidays, it becomes one big ticklefight. Our parents be wondering sometimes when will we grow up, but once you're hooked, always be hooked Don't worry, Ayla ny, you'll be just fine.

 

[TickleCrazy]

One of my kids is already obviously a ticklephile. My other kid can take it but mostly leave it. I believe these preferences are genetic. I don't think upbringing can influence the physical feeling one gets from a particular sensation or activity. When my kids ask questions they get real answers. So they will if the question is about tickle fetish.

We don't encourage or discourage tickling. We just enforce that the wish to NOT be tickled (like anything else) is 100% respected. So tickling is inappropriate when someone says stop. Isn't that true for any activity in which kids can get out of hand?

 

[njjen3953]

Just be careful who he does in front of. If certain adults who are aware of your tickling desires, but may not be in favor of them, should witness the desire or inclination in him, it could get difficult.

Get it?

 

[Ayla ny]

thank you for the reassuring words. I love this place. it’s so nice to have somewhere to go with questions like this and feel safe in doing so. (keep up the good work Mods)

with my boys it’s pure goofing around and having fun. we are a very close little family and picking on each other is one of our favorite ways to say I love you lol. my oldest joins in and even provokes me sometimes. but my youngest, oh boy my youngest lol... it’s just about constant with him. Mimi and TickleCrazy, you both make a really good point in that I should treat it like any other time he is getting out of hand. it’s that simple really, I guess. did I mention that I tend to over-think things? lol I guess I’m just projecting my own worries and insecurities onto him. that old parental instinct to protect them from the hurts you have felt.

Jen, I hadn’t even really considered that. you mean my ex, right? I think I’m ok there tho. he didn’t like it so much when his wife felt and wanted things that he just could not ‘get’ but to this day he still tells me I am a wonderful mother. even if I can’t cook. 🙄

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! and thanks again.

 

[njjen3953]

Jen, I hadn’t even really considered that. you mean my ex, right? I think I’m ok there tho. he didn’t like it so much when his wife felt and wanted things that he just could not ‘get’ but to this day he still tells me I am a wonderful mother. even if I can’t cook. 🙄

Yep. That's what I meant. I hope you're correct.

Oh. You do open a mean bag of Peanut M&Ms. 😛

 

[AffectionateDan]

I have long suspected...

...that there's a strong genetic predispostion passed along the hereditary chain towards our favorite "sport". Genetics is basically a crap-shoot as far as what characteristics are going to be passed along, (eye/hair color, physical structure, etc...). But with the benefit of hindsight, coupled with the perspective that being a member of the tickling community has given me, I'm positive beyond any shadow of a doubt that my father was a tickler, both my older brothers are ticklers, and my own teenage son is an up-and-coming ticklemonster like his old man. I've been wondering how to deal with this myself, and it's a great comfort to know that I'm not the only one this has occurred to. I've actually talked about it in a very VERY VERY roundabout sort of fashion, never giving TOO much in the way of details, but letting him know that it's perfectly fine to feel this way about it, provided it's not abused and done appropriately. (Time and a place for everything, etc...) I for one am very thankful that we've got this venue to bat these topics back and forth in! I wish we'd had resources like this available when I was a young boy that thought he was weird for having this fascination with tickling, that I was "the only one" who could possibly think about it this way!