not shy, not outgoing, the darkness of my heart consumes me. a silent type

[vmandude1]

as the thread title says, im not shy, but im not outgoing either. im the strong, silent type, and tend to sit back and watch others live thier lives, meditating in the darkness of my heart. im not a closet tickle fetishist, but i have few tickle expieriences. what should i do? i have a very split personality. theres a carefree, outgoing, happy person, who is josh blight ( my actual name ) and there is a dark, always pissed off, silent person i call matt richardson. both people are me, but i cant be 2 people at once. people are always saying " be yourself and open up to other people." well, i cant do that, because i have 2 " me's " within me. a little background info as to how " matt " was born, i dont exactly have many friends, and that formed sadness, darkness, inside my heart. well, my sister was murdered, and its my fault she was killed ( no i didnt kill her ). when she was killed, matt was born. it was the match to the dry grass that ignited matt. im not sure if this is in the right forum or not, but i need some suggestions as to what i should do to get more action in my life, tickle action or not.

 

[Volcom1]

My advice is, see a psychiatrist.

 

[morgandee]

see a garbage dump rofl

 

[Ignatz]

Valcom, though dismayingly terse, is correct. You've been dealt a real blow by Life and you need to have the break set properly by a professional. A true split personality is no joke, regardless of what some who post to this forum might seem to think. ("Think" is actually too strong a word to use there, but let it pass.) We all have our moods and sides, some in the sun, some in the shadows; but when one of these moods takes on a life of its own, you need help. If you have a religion, I urge you to embrace it in this crisis. God will not trivialize the guilt you feel, but he will forgive it and help you deal with it. What He will not do is sprinkle pixie dust over you and magically heal you. He works through human agents and in this case that means a qualified therapist. I don't know exactly why you feel responsible for your sister's death and I don't need or want to pry the details out of you. It's your business. I'm only pointing out that you may be flogging yourself unnecessarily. Everything we say and do creates ripples in the lives around us. If one of those lives is blasted by pain or tragedy, it is easy and tempting to trace the ripples back to yourself and say, "It's all my fault." Well, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. And even if it is, you obviously didn't deliberately try to get your sister killed. You're not going to completely "get over" something like that, but you don't have to stagger through the world snapped in half the rest of your life. The world needs all its good men. We need you to get better.

 

[BoundToTickle]

I know what it's like to have two separate sides trying to lead. Therapy has worked wonders but finding spirituality was what really helped because I kept asking "why, why me, why should I have to be the one to carry this burden of emotions etc.?" Believe me, I usually run when people start talking God. But when I found God and forgiveness for those events/people, I realized that I believe this Earthly experience is for our own education away from the harmony of Heaven, it has to be hard or else we'd never learn anything and we picked these hard experiences beforehand because we knew we could handle it and we wanted certain outcomes like creating a personality that is kind, deep, caring etc. How could this develop without hardship? All the great people of the world's past usually had something terrible happen, or something missing from their life or a problem with autism or etc holding them back. Just look at Poe or any other poets/artist. You can't be great unless you suffer. Embrace it, know your sister isn't mad but is probably a spiritual guide that is trying to help ease your pain. It takes time and acceptance of yourself and the things you've locked away. Therapy is the best way to go and don't get mixed up in ant-depressants or drugs, they are a temp quick fix that takes away the emotions and up/downs but it's still not a happy life. I don't know if this helps or makes any sense to anyone else but me but I tried.....

 

[vmandude1]

thank you all for ur suggestions, but, im sorry to say, none of them have worked in the past. i saw a psychiatrist, and he didnt help at all. all it did was cost me the money to pay for seeing him. i also turned to god, and asked him for help. well that too backfired. when i started praying to god for help to get over the pain, to be who i was before Mina died, my relationship with my father turned to shit, which, as any of u could imagine, did not make me feel better. dont take this the wrong way, i have no plans of suicide whatsoever, im living on in my sisters memory. im going to accomplish her lifes dream as well as mine, for her. but, it would be nice if i didnt have to constantly worry about what i say to other people. my split personality has a funny way of working. im the happy side almost all the time, except when im alone or angry at sum1. and when im angry at some1, thats when " matt " takes over. i have 1 of the worst tempers any1 will ever know. a perfect example, i once told a girl i liked that i was gunna burn her alive, just cuz i was poed at another guy friend of hers cuz he was getting on my case about liking her. im not the killing type, i wouldnt do that unless it was for a damned good reason, like to save my own life or the life of somebody i love. but i really scared her, and when i came to my senses, myself as well. * rueful smile * maybe all i need is a good tickling to straighten out the thoughts in my head, lol.

 

[MistressValerie1]

Maybe you should see someone who specialises in personal counselling, like a licensed social worker or counselling psychologist. They would approach your problems differently than a medical worker (i.e., psychiatrist), and most health plans will pay for at least 10 sessions. There are also free counselling services (of varying quality) in most major cities; one of the better ones might meet your needs.

Best of luck,

 

[jj82277]

An interesting case study. Bondage has been described by some by delivering freedom in the form of allowing you a tangiable force to struggle against. Tickling has been described by some as the material sweet torment that may actually represent the struggles in life as a whole. It could be that you are just missing the female counterpart that is supposed to sadistically guide you on a journey to releasing all this pent up frustration and anger in a constructive and erotic way through expression of your predominant fetish.

The thing that i would recommend is the same that all succesful people always recomend. Make a concious effort to fill your mind with a flood of positiv3e thoughts and emotions. Autosuggestion is the only proven method of changing any course of behavior. i too went through a period of time in which the pain and agony of this mortal plain manifested itself in the shadows of my existance. You can not allow these forces to become coveted in your life.

Not to be overly dramatic, but look at what happened to young skywalker (hey the movie is coming out this week). he too was traumatized by the loss of a close female family member. And then problems with Obi Wan (his father figure), caused him to seek guidance from sides of the force that were not the best for him. solowly but surely the darkness consumed him, as it will you, and the only way to deal with it and preven t a full out slow transformation into Mr. Richardson is to fill your mind conciously and of your own free will sith positive thoughts (think and grow rich napoleon hill good read)_

most peop[le do not know that Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde was based on a true story of a man named Brody, who by day was a succesful and upstanding memeber of the community, and by night was a disreputable theif. The internal struggle between good and evil will plauge mankind for the rest of the time that we are permited to occupy this fragile plain. It is up to us on an individual basiss to choose which side that we will fall on of our own free willl.

The choice is inevitably yours. The door on your right leads back to the matrix, and Mr. Brody's life force will continue to slowly grow, and the horrors to follow will be beyond imagination. the door to your left leads to the art of concious positive thought and the constructive expression of your inner frustations through the proper avenues. the choices will always lie with you.

 

[morgandee]

i spit on those who take their good and evil sides for granted

i spit in the face of those who are not cool

ccccc arlitooooo~

 

[aenglish]

.......Therapy is the best way to go and don't get mixed up in ant-depressants or drugs, they are a temp quick fix that takes away the emotions and up/downs but it's still not a happy life. I don't know if this helps or makes any sense to anyone else but me but I tried.....

Fact: There are way too many "psychiatrists" out there who rely almost exclusively on medications to do their "treatment". Thanks a lot, insurance industry. Some shrinx, especially those in public-mental-health settings, are too old-school, that is, they think that the more damn TRANQUILIZERS you give someone, the better. (Can you say "white-collar drug pushers"?) Fortunately, there are at least a few psychiatrists, even in socially-conservative areas, who know better than to cram a prescription into your hand, shove you out the door, and call that "treatment". It might take a lot of asking around, but they can be found. Have you any friends who are social workers, clergy members, or therapy clients themselves who may be able to steer you right? Medications can do wonders provided THE RIGHT ONES are used judiciously and not merely passed out like M&M's, and ESPECIALLY provided that the doctor(s) know how to deal effectively with any side-effects, and don't just blow you off when you mention them.

 

[morgandee]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychiatrist

i am a studyologer of psycher-ologery (field of clinical)

drugs are best option when used for the right situations

such as marijuana

edit edit edit

i'm not sure whether or not you're using the word psychiatrist to apply to all roles of psycho-therapy, as psychiatrists are the ones intended to prescribe drugs and if you're seeing a psychiatrist, that is why he or she would be prescribing drugs in the first place

however i'm a practicing psycho-therapist generic counselor type

one day i'd like to be a social worker and tell people to live in cardboard boxes

 

[aenglish]

One day i'd like to be a social worker and tell people to live in cardboard boxes

You'll need to take a civil service exam for that! 😀

OK, shrinx prescribe pillz, therapists do not. Duly acknowledged. It is still a fact that some shrinx are indifferent bums who process their patient load assembly-line fashion, and then there are the more intelligent ones who not only prescribe meds, but also check out blood chemistry, pre-existing health conditions which can contribute to psychiatric conditions, the patient's life in general, genetic predisposition, etc. IOW, a "holistic" approach rather than the usual "these pills go with these symptoms" approach. Consider yourself fortunate if you know one of these people.

Good therapists are also tough to find, but well worth searching out.

If you're uninsured or have stingy insurance and absolutely have no choice other than public mental health services, bite the bullet and go. Just don't let them stick you with a mediocre or incompetent shrink. There are sometimes decent workers in those places. You just have to politely but firmly insist upon seeing them. Above all, avoid being stuck with some state hospital burn-out case who's become so jaded from working in those kinds of places over the years that he now believes that EVERYONE who walks through his door is a hopeless case. You are a client, not a supplicant or a non-person, and you don't need to put up with that kind of horseshit.

 

[jj82277]

the only prven method of changing human behavior is through daily positive affirmation. There is no way getting around it. It is the only thing that works. try it for three months and see where you are

 

[morgandee]

i heard dropping jesus's name works wonders

 

[outspacer11]

Ok, I don't want to come across as a cynic, but as far as I'm aware most people with Multiple Personality Disorder aren't actually aware of their alternate personalities. And incidentally, not to make light of your situation, but couldn't you have found a better name for your evil alter ego than "Matt Richardson"?!! I mean come on - Mr Hyde, The Green Goblin - it kind of detracts from the whole deal when you make him sound like the dude that sells sandwiches at work at lunchtime.
Seriously, I don't think your issue is MPD. Typical MPD patients black out when their "multiples" kick in. You don't - you're just categorising aspects of your normal being under the "Matt Richardson" heading. Aside from that, you say you've been to a psychiatrist - any psychiatrist worth their salt would have investigated the possibility if you'd told them what you posted here.
Please don't interpret this as a flame - it's just an observation. But it sounds as if you're trying to overdramatise a very real emotional problem which is in no need of overdramatisation to get peoples' attention. Frankly, you need to be a bit more honest about this - the creation of your "alter-ego" sounds like a red herring to distract from the genuine problem, which I would guess has something do to with the fact that you blame yourself for your sister's death. I don't know what it is, and I'm not going to guess - this is something you have to work out for yourself, and this involves really thinking about what the problem is. I don't mean this in a hurtful way, but you ABSOLUTELY MUST NOT become absorbed in self-justifying bullsh*t.

You need to talk to a specialist about this. There's always a certain amount of resistance in overcoming a psychological disorder, and you need to be aware of this and not give into it. If you really don't click with your therapist then switch. But give them the benefit of the doubt, don't assume that any problem is the therapist's fault. As far as medication is concerned, maybe some kind of antidepressant would do you some good - I don't know, I'm not qualified to judge.
I hope you get over your problems, and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[outspacer11]

(and in self-justifying bullsh*t I include the sorts of beliefs which merely help to perpetuate the problem)

 

[morgandee]

im a specialist
e-4 specialist that is har har armytalk(tm)

outspacer's posts rock more than mine do, i feel competitive

 

[Timewarp]

I got some advice. Look into the mirror and say these words, "At least I don't work at Arbys." I feel better everytime I say it.

 

[aenglish]

I got some advice. Look into the mirror and say these words, "At least I don't work at Arbys." I feel better everytime I say it.

I'll hafta remember that one! (Or maybe substitute "Wal Mart" for Arby's).