Mistress Aura
3rd Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Aug 14, 2006
- Messages
- 1,593
- Points
- 0
This is probably going to be somewhat long, and some of it may have been covered in other areas, but I need to start afresh as I'm excruciatingly new here:
I came to this forum precisely to find this kind of discussion. WHY? Where does it come from, on a psychological sense? Why do we feel like we have to "come out" about it, when, in point of fact, it's indeed a very innocent action per se? Why do so many seem to feel like it needs to be hidden (myself included)--some of us, even moreso than a truly harmful addiction? A lot of us initially guard it as zealously as if it were a vicious, harmful, society-threatening thing...and for no reason I can ascertain myself. So I present this with a plea--help me to understand, if you would...or can?
How funny. Even now, I'm hesitating over what I'm trying to say, or if I really want to say anything at all...I s'pose after you spend so many years hiding it, it becomes a deeply-ingrained habit to do so. But again--WHY? Why do we feel so absolutely determined to hide it, when there are other people who are more open about fetishes far more deviant than this one (as noted previously by other posters)? In its initial form, i.e., when a great majority of us were first attracted to it, we were children (in my case, a very young child) and seeing it in mainstream animation, so it wasn't even something that could be related to anything sexual on the surface. What made us connect it to physical arousal, most especially if we were only witniessing it and not experiencing it personally? In some correspondence with some friends a few years ago, we agreed it seemed as though it was more prevalent within a particular age group, although the internet may have blown that theory of of the water by now...but when and why did/does it attach to sexual arousal?
And--I am not ticklish, nor do I like to participate personally. I watch. I view. But I don't engage. So now I really don't understand. 😕
I remember the very first time I felt reaction to it--good ol' Fred Flintstone, you know-- when I was about 5, maybe 6 years old. I remember lying on the floor before the televison as my father read a book in his easy chair. When the scene began, I remember feeling a shock and a body-flush as I watched, which I absolutely had no way of associating with arousal at the time; and then turning to my father, I announced to him that I thought he'd better leave the room! Of course, he was incredulous as he looked up from his book, and asked me what the h*ll for?? I couldn't reply--I didn't know what to tell him, I was flamingly embarrassed...but as I recall, it was dropped without further discussion.
Within that same timeframe, or at least before age 7, I further recall doing the traditional childhood "wishing on a star"--and nightly (for months!), I would wish I was as ticklish as my best friend/neighbor. (That wish never came true, though. I am not ticklish. In fact, stroking my skin, especially my soles, is not arousing almost at all. Instead, it's very relaxing -- puts me to sleep. My husband indulges me when I'm having difficulty dozing off. To give a more accurate picture of my lack of ticklishness: people are amazed when I get a pedicure--I read or chat through the sole-scrubbing. 🙄 )
Later in life (in other words, after sexual maturity), before anything was actually widely or readily available in this genre, I would continue to note a marked physical response to mainstream depictions, and with growing consternation. But, as my response grew, so did my self-disgust and determination to keep it absolutely private. I would actually feel anger if anyone were to witness a mainstream scene on television while I was there!
In fact, there was a time in my mid-twenties when I had let down my defenses and told both my previous husband as well as my previous best friend about my "thing" (both people are no longer in my life). This was awhile after I had accidentally discovered The Penthouse Forum books (and BAC!), as well as after having a short association with an embryonic and relatively quickly-defunct newsletter group called "Feathermates" (remember, this was all pre-internet!). I was one of the only females involved and was inundated with attention. Again, all I wanted to do was read/write/view matters about tickling, I'm not a participant. I was overwhelmed and I insisted that all contact be by mail only, except for those two gentlemen who were directly involved in the publishing of the newsletter itself. I was getting stacks of mail daily! But I freaked out, too personal, and I was far too immature to understand any of the joy and relief of the people who were writing me. I backed away and went back into hiding.
When I'd revealed my secret to my husband and my best friend, they were both fine with it, they claimed--but damn, I wasn't! After I told them, I was all the more hypersensitive to anything at all about it. I remember in trying to please me, my then-husband called me into the living room one afternoon, as the infamous animated Dorothy/Wizard of Oz scene was on television. Instead of enjoying it, I remember I grew almost furious with him, turned my back and positively refused to even look at it. Don't ask, I don't know--I do know I only felt shame and embarrassment, nothing pleasurable at all. And later, as a very unique gift, my friend purchased a sponsorship of a humpbacked whale for me (I'm strongly into animal welfare)...a nice gesture, but she deliberately chose the whale named "Feather" and gave me a knowing wink when I received the certificate. Again, I felt angry and embarrassed rather than pleased--even moreso when she informed me later on that she grew uncomfortable when I roughhoused with my young son and tickled him. She said that knowing what she knew about me, she was concerned about what it actually "meant". I was aghast at the idea, but didn't know how to explain that it wasn't the same! I don't think I ever did convince her that those were two entirely different things for me and always would be.
My time is up, I must go. But for those tenacious few who have lingered on through all my prattling and mewling--first, I thank you wholeheartedly for your patience. Secondly--do you have any answers? I semi-understand the psychological reasons for the attraction for a 'lee as well as a 'ler...but why does this effect me, who does neither? And why is it so freekin embarrassing in the first place???
Be kind. I'm vulnerable.
I came to this forum precisely to find this kind of discussion. WHY? Where does it come from, on a psychological sense? Why do we feel like we have to "come out" about it, when, in point of fact, it's indeed a very innocent action per se? Why do so many seem to feel like it needs to be hidden (myself included)--some of us, even moreso than a truly harmful addiction? A lot of us initially guard it as zealously as if it were a vicious, harmful, society-threatening thing...and for no reason I can ascertain myself. So I present this with a plea--help me to understand, if you would...or can?
How funny. Even now, I'm hesitating over what I'm trying to say, or if I really want to say anything at all...I s'pose after you spend so many years hiding it, it becomes a deeply-ingrained habit to do so. But again--WHY? Why do we feel so absolutely determined to hide it, when there are other people who are more open about fetishes far more deviant than this one (as noted previously by other posters)? In its initial form, i.e., when a great majority of us were first attracted to it, we were children (in my case, a very young child) and seeing it in mainstream animation, so it wasn't even something that could be related to anything sexual on the surface. What made us connect it to physical arousal, most especially if we were only witniessing it and not experiencing it personally? In some correspondence with some friends a few years ago, we agreed it seemed as though it was more prevalent within a particular age group, although the internet may have blown that theory of of the water by now...but when and why did/does it attach to sexual arousal?
And--I am not ticklish, nor do I like to participate personally. I watch. I view. But I don't engage. So now I really don't understand. 😕
I remember the very first time I felt reaction to it--good ol' Fred Flintstone, you know-- when I was about 5, maybe 6 years old. I remember lying on the floor before the televison as my father read a book in his easy chair. When the scene began, I remember feeling a shock and a body-flush as I watched, which I absolutely had no way of associating with arousal at the time; and then turning to my father, I announced to him that I thought he'd better leave the room! Of course, he was incredulous as he looked up from his book, and asked me what the h*ll for?? I couldn't reply--I didn't know what to tell him, I was flamingly embarrassed...but as I recall, it was dropped without further discussion.
Within that same timeframe, or at least before age 7, I further recall doing the traditional childhood "wishing on a star"--and nightly (for months!), I would wish I was as ticklish as my best friend/neighbor. (That wish never came true, though. I am not ticklish. In fact, stroking my skin, especially my soles, is not arousing almost at all. Instead, it's very relaxing -- puts me to sleep. My husband indulges me when I'm having difficulty dozing off. To give a more accurate picture of my lack of ticklishness: people are amazed when I get a pedicure--I read or chat through the sole-scrubbing. 🙄 )
Later in life (in other words, after sexual maturity), before anything was actually widely or readily available in this genre, I would continue to note a marked physical response to mainstream depictions, and with growing consternation. But, as my response grew, so did my self-disgust and determination to keep it absolutely private. I would actually feel anger if anyone were to witness a mainstream scene on television while I was there!
In fact, there was a time in my mid-twenties when I had let down my defenses and told both my previous husband as well as my previous best friend about my "thing" (both people are no longer in my life). This was awhile after I had accidentally discovered The Penthouse Forum books (and BAC!), as well as after having a short association with an embryonic and relatively quickly-defunct newsletter group called "Feathermates" (remember, this was all pre-internet!). I was one of the only females involved and was inundated with attention. Again, all I wanted to do was read/write/view matters about tickling, I'm not a participant. I was overwhelmed and I insisted that all contact be by mail only, except for those two gentlemen who were directly involved in the publishing of the newsletter itself. I was getting stacks of mail daily! But I freaked out, too personal, and I was far too immature to understand any of the joy and relief of the people who were writing me. I backed away and went back into hiding.
When I'd revealed my secret to my husband and my best friend, they were both fine with it, they claimed--but damn, I wasn't! After I told them, I was all the more hypersensitive to anything at all about it. I remember in trying to please me, my then-husband called me into the living room one afternoon, as the infamous animated Dorothy/Wizard of Oz scene was on television. Instead of enjoying it, I remember I grew almost furious with him, turned my back and positively refused to even look at it. Don't ask, I don't know--I do know I only felt shame and embarrassment, nothing pleasurable at all. And later, as a very unique gift, my friend purchased a sponsorship of a humpbacked whale for me (I'm strongly into animal welfare)...a nice gesture, but she deliberately chose the whale named "Feather" and gave me a knowing wink when I received the certificate. Again, I felt angry and embarrassed rather than pleased--even moreso when she informed me later on that she grew uncomfortable when I roughhoused with my young son and tickled him. She said that knowing what she knew about me, she was concerned about what it actually "meant". I was aghast at the idea, but didn't know how to explain that it wasn't the same! I don't think I ever did convince her that those were two entirely different things for me and always would be.
My time is up, I must go. But for those tenacious few who have lingered on through all my prattling and mewling--first, I thank you wholeheartedly for your patience. Secondly--do you have any answers? I semi-understand the psychological reasons for the attraction for a 'lee as well as a 'ler...but why does this effect me, who does neither? And why is it so freekin embarrassing in the first place???
Be kind. I'm vulnerable.
Thanks in part to all of you and your helpful, patient and welcoming responses, I was blessed with the most complete and joyful catharsis last night!
LOL
He walked into the office and asked what I was doing, as we had some minor dinner plans. I shooed him out and followed him, and was unable to really finish, so I became fixated. I thought about it all through showering, finally wondering if I perhaps needed to seek professional help for the inner torment I was experiencing, then realizing with further desolation that I felt I would rather walk a firepit than discuss this face-to-face with a stranger...I couldn't even come clean with my husband! 
). 
Or at least, I didn't put it all together...but he said he'd suspected previously, and now knew for sure exactly what I needed. 
We finally went to sleep at about 6 this morning. 
