I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
> Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
> her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
> this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
> Everything clear?"
>
>
>
> I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science".
>
>
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
>
>
>
> Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes
a
> perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
> seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
> nice....it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
> cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
>
>
>
> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
> left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a
> tad so we can get everything?"
>
>
>
> Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
> not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
> off?
>
>
>
> My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
> boob wedged between those two pieces of square glass) when we heard,
> then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
>
>
>
> "What?" I yelled.
>
>
>
> "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag" Belinda headed
for
> the door.
>
>
>
> "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
> shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy. The
door's
> wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
> back! ."
>
>
>
> Before I could shout , "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
> how Bubba and Earl, maintenance "en extraordinaire, found me,
> half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other
> part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it
> going?" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
> disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
>
>
>
> Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
> possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
>
>
>
> "You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd
> been standing in the line at the grocery store.
>
>
>
> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
> making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh, I am
soooo
> sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
> silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
>
>
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
those
> clamps........
> Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
> her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
> this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
> Everything clear?"
>
>
>
> I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science".
>
>
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
>
>
>
> Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes
a
> perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
> seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
> nice....it's Spandex! We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
> cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
>
>
>
> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
> left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a
> tad so we can get everything?"
>
>
>
> Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
> not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
> off?
>
>
>
> My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
> boob wedged between those two pieces of square glass) when we heard,
> then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
>
>
>
> "What?" I yelled.
>
>
>
> "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag" Belinda headed
for
> the door.
>
>
>
> "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
> shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy. The
door's
> wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
> back! ."
>
>
>
> Before I could shout , "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
> how Bubba and Earl, maintenance "en extraordinaire, found me,
> half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other
> part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it
> going?" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
> disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
>
>
>
> Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
> possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
>
>
>
> "You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd
> been standing in the line at the grocery store.
>
>
>
> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
> making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh, I am
soooo
> sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
> silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
>
>
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
those
> clamps........
