Question of loyalty to friends.

[kcantankerous]

If a friend is a becoming a negative influence or is beginning to impact your life in a negative way. Such as becoming a heroine addict, frequently jumping into horrible relationships, cronic drunk driver, ect. How long would it take before you cut them loose.

For me I think its an issue of selfishness. Therefore I'd it acouple of weeks, but if they express that they wont try to help themselves, it probably only take acouple of days before I cut them loose.

 

[MrMacphisto]

You're right... it is an issue of selfishness, but personally, I've cut loose a significant number of friends in these situations. Granted, I wouldn't consider them people that I've known that well. I don't have many "close" friends, because I choose to limit how many (and what kind of) people I spend a lot of time with.

If you're looking for a time increment, I'd say my average rate is about a week after discovering the person is a loser.

 

[steph]

Been there done that~had multiple conversations w/ a couple who has kids and a cocaine addicition~both of them. The only thing I have that they value that I can take from them is my friendship. I see too much of this disaster in my everyday life, I know what it does to people. I hoped it would matter, but it didn't~the addiction is too strong. Too bad tho, they're nice people.
XOXO

 

[unit5610]

In my limited experience with this I haven't succeeded in being much of an influence for people who were doing stuff to hurt themselves. Selfishly, my tendency is not to hang around if people are willing to try and work things out. It would drain me and I can't be doing that to my family and other friends.

 

[Ayla ny]

my brother was a heroin addict. it started out with percs and progressively got worse.

now, unlike a regular friend, I couldn’t just cut him loose. he’s my brother and I remember when he was an adorable little brat in diapers. so, against my inclinations, I hung in there. I distanced myself during the worst of it because I knew that he knew how I felt about it without me saying the things that would have made me feel like a preachy big sister (I put my focus on supporting his wife and kid), but I was always a phone call away and loved him with all of my heart (he did a bit of his own distancing for pride’s sake).

now he is doing the new thing that’s supposed to be better than methadone (can’t remember the name right now), working every day at a great job, and pouring his obsessive personality into a new-found health kick.

I am SO glad that I didn’t swear him off. he never would have been able to forgive that, and just knowing that someone believed in that part of him that was always there, and was capable of so much, helped him too. at least I like to think so.

all of that being said… my advice is to very clearly distance yourself from the seedy side of their life without totally cutting yourself off from them as the person you have come to know and care about (that means saying no to money and yes to a ear to talk to or a person to drive you to rehab again and again). it’s a tough line to walk sometimes… but if the person is worth it to you then the person is worth it to you.

 

[Ignatz]

If it's a real friend, you should do all you can to help. Either the problem child will respond to your efforts (and those of others) and reform...or he'll cut you off and you'll be done with him. And, as Ayla said, don't enable his demons by giving him money. If he's hard up, buy him food, gas or whatever.
If, however, we're talking about a friend with a dominant personality who is determined that you match him drink for drink, snort for snort, then don't hesitate to lay down the law and, if necessary, expunge him from your life.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

Once a friend always a friend. I grew up not having any, so friendship to me is very valuable and very deep. Its not something that you can just blow off just because you dont like how they are or what they do. Obviously there was something there in the first place that made you friends. Ayla understands the meaning of sticking by someone and I am very proud of her for doing that. Whether it be a brother or a friend who is like a brother, you do whatever you can to help that person. It takes maturity and not being superficial to understand that. I agree that you have to be careful about what kind of help to give them but to just toss them aside like they dont matter is just plain wrong. Remember, what goes around comes around. Think about how you would feel if you were completely deserted in a time of need because your "friends" didn't like you at that certain point and time. Remember the saying..Do unto others.. because i can tell you it will come back and bite you on the ass if you dont live by it.

 

[kis123]

One of my close friends got herself involved in a horrible crack cocaine addiction. She lost her home, custody of her kids, her self-respect and dignity and nothing seemed to help her. I tried to help as best I could, but my then-husband didn't want her in the house. I later found out that she tried to proposition him when he took her home one evening.

Throughout all of that, I remained as much of a friend as I could. Why? Because every time something horrible happened in my life, she was the first one there to help me through. When I had serious marital problems, she was there, high or not. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she stopped what she was doing and helped me every chance she could. When my life was basically in the toilet, she was the one who helped me to keep going-not my family or other so-called friends.

Eventually the addiction took its toll on our friendship and we had to seperate for a few years. She's since been clean and sober, and I hear from her from time to time. If she called me today and needed something, I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to be there for her.

You can't just drop somebody because they're not doing what you want them to, even if what you want is right and best for them. I could not live her life for her and had to let go so she could fall and fail. Only then did she make a true effort to get back into life. Only she could do that for herself.

 

[Krazy]

its tatted across my belly..LOYALTY

 

[kcantankerous]

Maybe but at some point it gets pointless once negativity takes control of the relationship. You gotta think of it as a leach thats sucking life out of you. I've seen families utterly destroyed by a troublesome kid or a mean relative. I feel once someone begins to consume your life to the point of nulifying your senses to other things or even worse effecting your mood in a negative way for too long its time to cut the parisite. Because thats what some of them are. If you want to be loyal to someone whose shown signs of disloyalty toward you, you get stung every time. Life's too short to worry about trash that doesnt care for anyone but themselves. I garranty some of the so called friends yall including myself have will betray you without a moments hesatiation.

 

[kis123]

Maybe but at some point it gets pointless once negativity takes control of the relationship. You gotta think of it as a leach thats sucking life out of you. I've seen families utterly destroyed by a troublesome kid or a mean relative. I feel once someone begins to consume your life to the point of nulifying your senses to other things or even worse effecting your mood in a negative way for too long its time to cut the parisite. Because thats what some of them are. If you want to be loyal to someone whose shown signs of disloyalty toward you, you get stung every time. Life's too short to worry about trash that doesnt care for anyone but themselves. I garranty some of the so called friends yall including myself have will betray you without a moments hesatiation.

Wow-this sounds like a really dark commentary.

I don't know who's burned you in the past, but they did an outstanding job of it judging by this post. I've had many situations in the past where I've had friends, lovers, husband, and business relationships bite the dust. I've always allowed the other person to determine the pace of the relationship. I'm not a doormat by any means, but my need for control is not in relationships but in other areas of my life, so the other person leading the way doesn't bother me. By the time it bothers me, things are usually pretty much over and done.

I, and my children, have what is called a "longsuffering spirit". We can take a lot from others. I'll roll up my sleeves and deal with whatever's in front of me. The only thing is, once that person has tapped me out, there's nowhere else to go. I'm pretty much done, everything is over, and it's never the same again. I let go and I never look back. Unfortunately the other person never sees it coming. That's their problem, not mine. They should have been more conscientious of the friendship and valued the relationship. It's all about choices and responsibility.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

Maybe but at some point it gets pointless once negativity takes control of the relationship. You gotta think of it as a leach thats sucking life out of you. I've seen families utterly destroyed by a troublesome kid or a mean relative. I feel once someone begins to consume your life to the point of nulifying your senses to other things or even worse effecting your mood in a negative way for too long its time to cut the parisite. Because thats what some of them are. If you want to be loyal to someone whose shown signs of disloyalty toward you, you get stung every time. Life's too short to worry about trash that doesnt care for anyone but themselves. I garranty some of the so called friends yall including myself have will betray you without a moments hesatiation.

So your telling me that the friendship we have created, as new and superficial as it is, means so little to you that you would "betray me" without a thought? I am also to believe that if I had a really bad bout of depression you would just turn your back on me because I am having negative feelings and not help me through it as a friend should. In spite of all that I would still be there for you if you needed me. But I will remember not to turn to you if I am having problems. At least I know how things stand. I appreciate you being upfront about it.

 

[kcantankerous]

It's like this I feel that people who do dangerous things do them in spit of their resect for their loved ones. Depression is different from doing dangerous things. Such as frequent bouts of suicide, ect. If you know what you do hurts everyone around you and you still do it. Why should people stick around and be loyal to you. Depression is a state of mind thats totally different than someone whos completely given up on life. I will not expend energy on anyone who fits my description listed above. I've tried to be their for people before and my experience is its a waste of the precious time we have on this planet. Some change but that change has nothing to do with the wishes of that persons loved ones. The change comes when that person wants to make it.

 

[isabeau]

lets see suppose it were your mom? that happened to me starting in 92. she wasnt addicted to coke, or heroin, but to xanax and other prescription drugs and also alcohol. she then began a series of depressions with delusions that lasted the rest of her life, til she died of starvation last year. now this isnt the same thing as a friend maybe i mean who could desert their mom right? but my mom wasnt a great mom, she was a dominate manipulative type of mother. however i never deserted her and its a good thing because everyone else in my family did. except dad but then he died and she was left with me. and i was always afraid of her but it was my duty to try and intervene. i saw her in and out of psych hospitals, in intensive care , over a period of twelve years. and i visited her, when it was the last thing i wanted to do. the point i'm trying to get at is that no matter what i tried to do, she wouldnt listen. just like a heroin addict, she didnt want the help. but i didnt give up until things were taken out of my control at the end. at the end of her life, mom got control again. but i would do this for my husband, my friend anyone i loved and cared about. not just mom. i would do everything possible to help them, until there is nothing i could do anymore. if they absolutely refuse everything youve tried, then at least you realize you have made the effort. in the long run i failed with mom, but i now realize it was her ultimate choice. you can help them but the final choice willl probably be theirs. hope this makes sense.

isabeau (and i'm not bragging about what i did it was my duty)