Some Great Quotes:

[Feathery]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two " and "Keep away from
children."

--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base.."

--Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student! At least
they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another
beer."

-- W. C. Fields


And lastly:

Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?

 

[milagros317]

Very amusing list. I especially like number 5. 😀