hey.. so as a preface, i am not a writer.. ive never written a story before, especially not one like this completely out of the depths of my mind.. but today i started writing on an idea, and it ended up being kind of long and developed into the base of a story..
so i just want your opinions, whether its constructive criticism, deconstructive criticism, or anything at all.. just know that if you are rude and bite, i bite back.. i respect your opinion, so you dont have to be a dick about it
so anyway, here it is.. this is just the base of the story, im writing more tonight and i think im going to be working on it for quite some time..
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he walks the shadows, in the darkest of nights. searching for what was once his, for his meaning. for his soul. the darkness of his heart blends into his surroundings, making him disappear in an instant. he is a ghost, invisible to some, ignored by most. stuck in a paradox of a world, left for dead. his days are hard, the nights even harder. all he sees, reminds him of what he has lost and will never have, making him bitter about life, or what is left of it. his eyes glow red with unbridled, unwavering sorrow and misery. gazing into them causes you to simply lose your mind. all he touches is sucked dry of all signs of life. he makes a plant nursery full of flowers into a house of death, simply by entering. he moves on, from place to place, observing everything, taking everything in that this life has to offer. he speaks to some, but is heard by few. his words fall upon deaf ears, when they fly from his mouth at all.
but even with all this pain and misery in his eyes, can you not see the compassion and beauty underneath it all? can you not see a face that is filled with love? filled with passion? for he was not always a creature as such. fate, being the cruel bitch that she is, took everything from him. the pain overtook him, changing his demeanor, changing his appearance, changing his heart. as a person, he was a nice, polite, quiet-natured, good-hearted man. he was chivalrous, intelligent, and responsible. he still possesses these qualities inside him, but now he is left alone. a desolate wasteland of emotions. a train without tracks to run on. he almost becomes human again from time to time, when things seem to be on the right track. or when someone is capable of seeing what is inside him. but then fate bitchslaps him back to the shadows, where he is destined to remain. eyes glowing red with pain, heart glowing red with love.
he walks. the faint sound of parents shushing their children is heard as he approaches, accompanied by the sound of locking doors and windows. he moves through the town as a plague. but is he really the plague? or is he the cure? he stops in the center of the town, and looks around. curtains are seen ruffling as his red-eyed gaze meets them, as the residents are curious, but fear him. then there is a noise behind him, which enrages him. he turns to face the noise, and is shocked by what is before him. its a 3 year old little girl, dressed in pink, her hair in pigtails. she smiles at the man, as she is curious and knows not who he is. or what he is, rather. the man bends down on one knee and faces the little girl. she shys away a little bit in reaction, but does not flee. the man surveys his surroundings, and notices a watchful eye in a window. the mother of the child, no doubt, fearing for her childs life. but the man would never harm the child, for he would never harm a female or a child, let alone a female child. this child, also, can see what is inside him. she is blind to all the things everyone else sees in the man.
the man lifts his hood from over his eyes, and stares at the girl. then suddenly, things change. the mans eyes turn from a fiery red full of pain,
to a deep icy blue, a beautiful blue. a smile is on his face, and it is no longer a beast staring at this child. it is the man inside the beast, the man he used to be. the child's smile widens at the occurence. the man looks around, and gets up for a brief moment. he returns with a single pink flower, and gently presents it to the little girl. the little girl looks up at the man with appreciation and wonder. the child hugs the man, wrapping her tiny arms around his neck. the man hugs the child back, and feels his heart melting inside, for this child can see who he really is, who he is inside. he glances up and sees the eyes of the mother in the window full of fear. but to her surprise, her gaze is met not with the fiery eyes of the beast, but with the beautiful blue eyes of a young man. in an instant, her heart settles, she feels at ease. 'this man will not harm my child', she tells herself.
the child lets go of the mans neck, and there is a brief moment of silence. the man gets up, returns with another pink flower, and presents it to the child. the child looks confused, but takes the flower. 'for your mother' the man speaks to her, and the child nods. he places a hand gently on her cheek and says 'be well, child'. and he turns and walks away from the child, as his eyes slowly return to red.
the child returns to her house, and presents her mother with the flower from the beast-man. the mother takes it, and feels a strange feeling inside her. 'how could that beast be so gentle?' she thinks to herself. she places the flower in a vase of water and preservatives, keeping it as a lasting sign of the gentleness inside even a beast.
the man walks on, now back into his usual state. feeling watchful eyes on him from all corners, almost smelling the fear. he decides to stop and get a drink at the bar to ease his mind. he stops outside the door, lowers his hood over his eyes, and steps inside. upon entering, all eyes hit him and quickly look elsewhere. people part like the red sea as he walks toward the bar. he takes a seat, and orders a drink without even looking up. 'ill have a jack and coke, please' he tells the bartender. the bartender says nothing, but pours his drink and hesitantly places it in front of him, while stepping away at the same time. the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out his money, pays the bartender, and leaves a generous tip. from an overhead view, you can see nobody is within a 6 foot radius of the man, but all eyes keep glancing toward him. the bar is silent except for the muffled sound of the old jukebox playing some old time rock and roll.
he finishes his drink, and even though his mind is no more at ease than it was before, he gets up to leave. as he walks toward the exit, one of the local drunks hurls a bottle at him, and it crashes against the wall to the mans right. shards of glass spray like shrapnel, and a few dig into the only part of the mans skin visible and vulnerable, his cheek on the right side. the man stops walking. he feels fresh blood trickle down his face, along with the burning pain of the glass in his flesh. he cocks his head to the side, and surveys the room without turning his head all the way around. nobody moves except for one man, who is noticeably drunk but also noticeably nervous about what he just did and the consequences.
the beast-man is about to turn and face the man, when he notices a face in the window outside of the bar. it is the face of the woman, the mother of the child of whom he gave the flower. the mans eyes and the womans eyes lock, and the man feels a heat eminating from his skin. in his own reflection in the window, he can see his figure changing. most of all, he can see the red eyes fading into an icy blue. a smile breaks out on his face, and for a moment he forgets about the searing pain in his cheek and the blood which is now dripping to the floor. he is lost in the womans eyes, and she is lost in his.
he comes back to his senses, and turns to face the man who threw the bottle. their eyes meet, and the beast-man's eyes flash from blue to red, just for long enough to make the other man lose his mind and be overcome with fear. the man turns and walks out the door, while the other man shakes and orders himself another whiskey shooter.
a plethora of thoughts are raging in the mans mind as he steps out the door. 'what is she doing here?'. 'do i approach her?'. 'does she think i harmed her child?'. 'was she offended by the flower?'. he steps out the door and turns to the right, and the woman is 10 feet away from him. they both stand, staring at eachother, for what seems like an eternity. the man is apprehencious, not wanting to frighten the woman. the woman is in shock, still unable to believe the man changed from a man-beast to a young man when their eyes met, once again.
finally, after a lifetime, words are spoken. 'you're bleeding', says the woman. the man shrugs his shoulders and says 'its nothing' in a low voice. the woman starts moving slowly closer, but the man remains still. 'if you come back to my place, i can bandage you up before you head out' she says, while still moving closer to the man. she cant believe how the man-beast could turn into a 20-something attractive young man.. maybe this man is no beast at all?
'i wouldnt dream to cause you the trouble ma'am' replies the man, ''tis but a scratch, and will heal nicely on its own'. 'tis no trouble sir', replied the woman, 'consider it payback for the kindness you have shown me and my child' the man studies her face, unbelieving that anybody could be so hospitable toward him for such a simple manner of compassion and courtesy he has shown them, but the woman's face shows no signs of untruth.. just warmth. 'very well, however i require no compensation for such things, it was my pleasure' says the man. the man and the woman walk off toward the woman's house at the center of town, walking unusually close to eachother. 'do you have a name?' inquires the woman, after a brief silence
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thats all of it..
i made it a little easier to read by putting it in paragraphs.. hope that helps.. its probably stupid of me to post this here anyway, but maybe someone will have something to say about it
thanks to anyone who checked it out
so i just want your opinions, whether its constructive criticism, deconstructive criticism, or anything at all.. just know that if you are rude and bite, i bite back.. i respect your opinion, so you dont have to be a dick about it
so anyway, here it is.. this is just the base of the story, im writing more tonight and i think im going to be working on it for quite some time..
**************************************
he walks the shadows, in the darkest of nights. searching for what was once his, for his meaning. for his soul. the darkness of his heart blends into his surroundings, making him disappear in an instant. he is a ghost, invisible to some, ignored by most. stuck in a paradox of a world, left for dead. his days are hard, the nights even harder. all he sees, reminds him of what he has lost and will never have, making him bitter about life, or what is left of it. his eyes glow red with unbridled, unwavering sorrow and misery. gazing into them causes you to simply lose your mind. all he touches is sucked dry of all signs of life. he makes a plant nursery full of flowers into a house of death, simply by entering. he moves on, from place to place, observing everything, taking everything in that this life has to offer. he speaks to some, but is heard by few. his words fall upon deaf ears, when they fly from his mouth at all.
but even with all this pain and misery in his eyes, can you not see the compassion and beauty underneath it all? can you not see a face that is filled with love? filled with passion? for he was not always a creature as such. fate, being the cruel bitch that she is, took everything from him. the pain overtook him, changing his demeanor, changing his appearance, changing his heart. as a person, he was a nice, polite, quiet-natured, good-hearted man. he was chivalrous, intelligent, and responsible. he still possesses these qualities inside him, but now he is left alone. a desolate wasteland of emotions. a train without tracks to run on. he almost becomes human again from time to time, when things seem to be on the right track. or when someone is capable of seeing what is inside him. but then fate bitchslaps him back to the shadows, where he is destined to remain. eyes glowing red with pain, heart glowing red with love.
he walks. the faint sound of parents shushing their children is heard as he approaches, accompanied by the sound of locking doors and windows. he moves through the town as a plague. but is he really the plague? or is he the cure? he stops in the center of the town, and looks around. curtains are seen ruffling as his red-eyed gaze meets them, as the residents are curious, but fear him. then there is a noise behind him, which enrages him. he turns to face the noise, and is shocked by what is before him. its a 3 year old little girl, dressed in pink, her hair in pigtails. she smiles at the man, as she is curious and knows not who he is. or what he is, rather. the man bends down on one knee and faces the little girl. she shys away a little bit in reaction, but does not flee. the man surveys his surroundings, and notices a watchful eye in a window. the mother of the child, no doubt, fearing for her childs life. but the man would never harm the child, for he would never harm a female or a child, let alone a female child. this child, also, can see what is inside him. she is blind to all the things everyone else sees in the man.
the man lifts his hood from over his eyes, and stares at the girl. then suddenly, things change. the mans eyes turn from a fiery red full of pain,
to a deep icy blue, a beautiful blue. a smile is on his face, and it is no longer a beast staring at this child. it is the man inside the beast, the man he used to be. the child's smile widens at the occurence. the man looks around, and gets up for a brief moment. he returns with a single pink flower, and gently presents it to the little girl. the little girl looks up at the man with appreciation and wonder. the child hugs the man, wrapping her tiny arms around his neck. the man hugs the child back, and feels his heart melting inside, for this child can see who he really is, who he is inside. he glances up and sees the eyes of the mother in the window full of fear. but to her surprise, her gaze is met not with the fiery eyes of the beast, but with the beautiful blue eyes of a young man. in an instant, her heart settles, she feels at ease. 'this man will not harm my child', she tells herself.
the child lets go of the mans neck, and there is a brief moment of silence. the man gets up, returns with another pink flower, and presents it to the child. the child looks confused, but takes the flower. 'for your mother' the man speaks to her, and the child nods. he places a hand gently on her cheek and says 'be well, child'. and he turns and walks away from the child, as his eyes slowly return to red.
the child returns to her house, and presents her mother with the flower from the beast-man. the mother takes it, and feels a strange feeling inside her. 'how could that beast be so gentle?' she thinks to herself. she places the flower in a vase of water and preservatives, keeping it as a lasting sign of the gentleness inside even a beast.
the man walks on, now back into his usual state. feeling watchful eyes on him from all corners, almost smelling the fear. he decides to stop and get a drink at the bar to ease his mind. he stops outside the door, lowers his hood over his eyes, and steps inside. upon entering, all eyes hit him and quickly look elsewhere. people part like the red sea as he walks toward the bar. he takes a seat, and orders a drink without even looking up. 'ill have a jack and coke, please' he tells the bartender. the bartender says nothing, but pours his drink and hesitantly places it in front of him, while stepping away at the same time. the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out his money, pays the bartender, and leaves a generous tip. from an overhead view, you can see nobody is within a 6 foot radius of the man, but all eyes keep glancing toward him. the bar is silent except for the muffled sound of the old jukebox playing some old time rock and roll.
he finishes his drink, and even though his mind is no more at ease than it was before, he gets up to leave. as he walks toward the exit, one of the local drunks hurls a bottle at him, and it crashes against the wall to the mans right. shards of glass spray like shrapnel, and a few dig into the only part of the mans skin visible and vulnerable, his cheek on the right side. the man stops walking. he feels fresh blood trickle down his face, along with the burning pain of the glass in his flesh. he cocks his head to the side, and surveys the room without turning his head all the way around. nobody moves except for one man, who is noticeably drunk but also noticeably nervous about what he just did and the consequences.
the beast-man is about to turn and face the man, when he notices a face in the window outside of the bar. it is the face of the woman, the mother of the child of whom he gave the flower. the mans eyes and the womans eyes lock, and the man feels a heat eminating from his skin. in his own reflection in the window, he can see his figure changing. most of all, he can see the red eyes fading into an icy blue. a smile breaks out on his face, and for a moment he forgets about the searing pain in his cheek and the blood which is now dripping to the floor. he is lost in the womans eyes, and she is lost in his.
he comes back to his senses, and turns to face the man who threw the bottle. their eyes meet, and the beast-man's eyes flash from blue to red, just for long enough to make the other man lose his mind and be overcome with fear. the man turns and walks out the door, while the other man shakes and orders himself another whiskey shooter.
a plethora of thoughts are raging in the mans mind as he steps out the door. 'what is she doing here?'. 'do i approach her?'. 'does she think i harmed her child?'. 'was she offended by the flower?'. he steps out the door and turns to the right, and the woman is 10 feet away from him. they both stand, staring at eachother, for what seems like an eternity. the man is apprehencious, not wanting to frighten the woman. the woman is in shock, still unable to believe the man changed from a man-beast to a young man when their eyes met, once again.
finally, after a lifetime, words are spoken. 'you're bleeding', says the woman. the man shrugs his shoulders and says 'its nothing' in a low voice. the woman starts moving slowly closer, but the man remains still. 'if you come back to my place, i can bandage you up before you head out' she says, while still moving closer to the man. she cant believe how the man-beast could turn into a 20-something attractive young man.. maybe this man is no beast at all?
'i wouldnt dream to cause you the trouble ma'am' replies the man, ''tis but a scratch, and will heal nicely on its own'. 'tis no trouble sir', replied the woman, 'consider it payback for the kindness you have shown me and my child' the man studies her face, unbelieving that anybody could be so hospitable toward him for such a simple manner of compassion and courtesy he has shown them, but the woman's face shows no signs of untruth.. just warmth. 'very well, however i require no compensation for such things, it was my pleasure' says the man. the man and the woman walk off toward the woman's house at the center of town, walking unusually close to eachother. 'do you have a name?' inquires the woman, after a brief silence
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thats all of it..
i made it a little easier to read by putting it in paragraphs.. hope that helps.. its probably stupid of me to post this here anyway, but maybe someone will have something to say about it
thanks to anyone who checked it out
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