I'd like to address these bits in reverse order:
Newbies. We love 'em. We encourage them to read, join, post, --show up--, absorb, and participate (play!).
Gatherings.
My wife Melinda and I are hosting our first Tickle Specific party at our house in a few weeks. Granted we've hosted other kink-fetish (D/s-SM-spanking type parties) since about 1992. And we've hosted public Tethers and Feathers tickle support group munches since 1997.
Our main rationale for not hosting a tickle (only) specific party prior to this was that we were pretty certain we'd not be able to attract enough attendies to make it very much of a party; and we're speaking no more than an expected 5 or 6 (sad wasted sighs).
For some miraculous reason, we've been able to get pretty much confirmed responses from about 22 tickle fans. Capacity at our Virginia townhouse location is about 35 (which we've exceeded before for most of our other other "events"), so we're not only surprised but quite pleased.
Of those 22, , only about 4 or 5 seem to be rather new, as in -- I;ve never encountered them before in any venue, live, or online. All the rest are experienced players, and who I know well do ascribe to safe and sane norms of public social play, and are familiar with the notions of safewords, or stop-signals.
But we do have a "house" stop signal/safeword which is the universally recognized "RED". Other personal stop signals agreed/negotiated between players-partners are fine as well, but anyone repeating the word RED will certainly get a lot of attention immediately!
[ . . . At "House Affleck" the House Safeword is RED. . . .]
All that said, in the fourteen years we've been hosting parties at our house, no one has ever said or used a safeword or stop signal. Nonetheless, we are going to ensure we have a basic set of printed "house rules" at the door, for everyone to pick up, and we will have the basic rules discussion at the start of the party.
I finally had time over the last 2 days to digest the very long thread on safewords. Granted there was a lot there. I knew I wouldn't have had time to just jump in read a bit and post without taking the time to evaluate all of it.
The biggest thing I got out of the thread was that those who posted were all pretty much familiar with the "notion" of safewords or stop-signals. The second thing I got out of it was the tiny percentage of members that was.
(Okay, I've been a government auditor for 35 years, so you'll hafta excuse the number crunching).
Thread: Are safewords really necessary?
3,695 separate views, which is 8.4% of the membership of 44 thousand. this means over 90% of the members did not open and read the thread at all!
76 posters added one or more notes for a total of 159 posts. That is about 2% of the members who viewed the thread posted anything at all; the other 98% did not.
The downside; I think we need to at least spread the "notion" of the message. I fear there's a lot of people coming in -new- to the "community" who will need to be shared with some of the logoi.
So, sure, many of us 'ol folks can wind up discussing this stuff for months and years, and wind up truly in pretty much agreement with both the thoughts and the intents. Yet we still and all thrive on getting "and keeping" new folks into the family. We gotta at least spread the word, or at least the "notion".
The upside; the folks who posted are knowlegable and experienced participants. As many mentioned; even where some differing thoughts on the subject were mentioned, most were "on the same page". Hey, I know almost all of you posters (on this thread) "first-hand".
The "scores" were:
29 "Yes" Safewords are an important safety net
18 "No" Safewords may be overused
The further breakdown:
Lers: split 10 "Yes" and 10 "No"
Lees/Switches: 15 "Yes" and 5 "No"
Approach Unidentified: 4 "Yes" and 3 "No"
There a couple of "outlayers" postings, which responses were hard to identify, or they did not seem to respond to the theme of the thread.
I've saved a few good quotes from the notes which I thought really "said it good":
Find others you can mail with. Meet folks at gatherings, and talk about this stuff. We're the crew that shares aspects of your interest. Bounce ideas off the open minds.
Most importantly the safeword acts as a fallback guard for psychological surprises.
Some landmines are sneaky and the emotional wave they release surprises the sub and drowns them slowly and quietly. By the time they realize something is very very wrong they may be in very deep. A safeword stops these times cold.
I see them as an important tool that hurts nothing to have about, and perhaps can head off a huge amount of badness.
In addition to the availabililty of safewords
Looking for physical signs, and not using safewords as the sole criteria, to stop, makes perfect sense to me.
A safeword is just another means of communication, not the sole system in place.
A 'ler who's 'lee has a safeword is still going to stop when she's blue and choking whether she used her word or not,
As said 'ler, you [are still obliged to] HAVE to read that negotiation for play, and know what to interpret, and know how to read that person's responses, and how to figure out what they DIDN'T say.
Everyone who plays sanely has something they can say to end the play. Whether it's "red", "I can't breathe!" or "arugula", if it's something a 'lee can say that immediately ends the play then it's a safeword/safephrase and we all know it. And is that necessary? Absolutely. Even people who dislike safewords listen to words that, well, keep the 'lee safe...
If a 'lee is gagged, then some sort of safe signal is extremely important.
The sub always has a measure of power in exchanges that are consensual. It’s part of the design of ‘consensual’, it’s just there. All a safeword does is codify the escape button, and make it clear to all. They know, I know. I’m not having to guess between the good screaming and the bad screaming. The good crying and the bad crying.
Yes we have adopted rules from the BDSM community because those are the rules and standards which have kept THEIR community together. Do you think they would have munches, private parties, and dungeons if there were no safewords? No the fabric of their community would come appart because trust is a LONG thing to build up to.
In the end though the lee's safety, sanity, and overall well-being should be the top priority and concern of any ler who takes on that level of control over another individual. Dismissing safewords as unecessary and abused in all cases is simply not practical.
There is a lot of play which is all within the sub's mind that is just as powerful. No the sub is not likely to suffer physical harm but the emotional energy in such scenes can sometimes go too far.
Safewords are essential for bringing NEW people into the scene. Without safewords I know that most gatherings would be non existant.
If I'm hostin' an event, EVERYONE gets the safeword talk
In regular SM safewords aren't usually used to avoid physical injury, because an injury is usually already done before anyone could think to use a safeword. You prevent injuries by playing safely to begin with. A safeword is usually used when a bottom is approaching or has passed his or her limits, and that can happen just as easily in tickling.
It's very easy for a ler who doesn't switch to think that tickling is no big deal. If you haven't experienced it, you simply can't know. Also, every lee is different.
I need a safeword more for tickling than I do for pain. It is far more trying on the senses and much, much easier to be pushed past limits. I admit I get nervous of lers who are not really ticklish themselves, or who have never been tied up and tickled beyond their limits trying to lay down what a lee should be able to take, or saying "it's only tickling". Until one experiences that for themselves, there is just no way to put into words how truly extreme it can be. It's far more than just tickling. Once past a certain point, it can become both emotionally and physically abusive. That can be a real problem.
Once I am pushed past my limits, I go into panic mode. And more than once that panic mode has lead to palpitations and hyperventilation. I don't care how well my ler knows me, in those situations I NEED a safeword. And given the fact I don't know when those problems will arise during a session, I won't play without them.
A panicking 'lee can become deadly serious when they're afraid of freaking out or losing too much control, and insist on an end to the play so firmly that you would be an untrustworthy 'ler not to stop.
Someone who really and truly needs the play to stop, who will *not* be just fine afterward if you keep going, will let you know instead of continuing to laugh. There's no difference to me between "red" and "ow fuck STOP" except that the former has been predetermined by several adult communities, of which occasionally other communities need to deny being part for various reasons.
If a top don't read their bottom correctly, that's one 'lee that will be damaged goods afterward.
No one here, no matter how long they've been playing and with how many people they've played, can read minds. Expertise be damned, empathy only goes so far. It's nice that you're good at 'reading' people; but at the end of the day, you are not me. You're not inside my head and you need to listen to me when I show you, in whatever way works best, that I need you to stop. And I believe that every 'ler who has posted here would stop if the 'lee needed them to and communicated that
if you were taken 'past your limit' and you were just fine and happy afterwards, guess what? That wasn't really your limit.
And finally, At "House Affleck" the House Safeword is RED.
Spenser
Newbies. We love 'em. We encourage them to read, join, post, --show up--, absorb, and participate (play!).
Gatherings.
My wife Melinda and I are hosting our first Tickle Specific party at our house in a few weeks. Granted we've hosted other kink-fetish (D/s-SM-spanking type parties) since about 1992. And we've hosted public Tethers and Feathers tickle support group munches since 1997.
Our main rationale for not hosting a tickle (only) specific party prior to this was that we were pretty certain we'd not be able to attract enough attendies to make it very much of a party; and we're speaking no more than an expected 5 or 6 (sad wasted sighs).
For some miraculous reason, we've been able to get pretty much confirmed responses from about 22 tickle fans. Capacity at our Virginia townhouse location is about 35 (which we've exceeded before for most of our other other "events"), so we're not only surprised but quite pleased.
Of those 22, , only about 4 or 5 seem to be rather new, as in -- I;ve never encountered them before in any venue, live, or online. All the rest are experienced players, and who I know well do ascribe to safe and sane norms of public social play, and are familiar with the notions of safewords, or stop-signals.
But we do have a "house" stop signal/safeword which is the universally recognized "RED". Other personal stop signals agreed/negotiated between players-partners are fine as well, but anyone repeating the word RED will certainly get a lot of attention immediately!
[ . . . At "House Affleck" the House Safeword is RED. . . .]
All that said, in the fourteen years we've been hosting parties at our house, no one has ever said or used a safeword or stop signal. Nonetheless, we are going to ensure we have a basic set of printed "house rules" at the door, for everyone to pick up, and we will have the basic rules discussion at the start of the party.
I finally had time over the last 2 days to digest the very long thread on safewords. Granted there was a lot there. I knew I wouldn't have had time to just jump in read a bit and post without taking the time to evaluate all of it.
The biggest thing I got out of the thread was that those who posted were all pretty much familiar with the "notion" of safewords or stop-signals. The second thing I got out of it was the tiny percentage of members that was.
(Okay, I've been a government auditor for 35 years, so you'll hafta excuse the number crunching).
Thread: Are safewords really necessary?
3,695 separate views, which is 8.4% of the membership of 44 thousand. this means over 90% of the members did not open and read the thread at all!
76 posters added one or more notes for a total of 159 posts. That is about 2% of the members who viewed the thread posted anything at all; the other 98% did not.
The downside; I think we need to at least spread the "notion" of the message. I fear there's a lot of people coming in -new- to the "community" who will need to be shared with some of the logoi.
So, sure, many of us 'ol folks can wind up discussing this stuff for months and years, and wind up truly in pretty much agreement with both the thoughts and the intents. Yet we still and all thrive on getting "and keeping" new folks into the family. We gotta at least spread the word, or at least the "notion".
The upside; the folks who posted are knowlegable and experienced participants. As many mentioned; even where some differing thoughts on the subject were mentioned, most were "on the same page". Hey, I know almost all of you posters (on this thread) "first-hand".
The "scores" were:
29 "Yes" Safewords are an important safety net
18 "No" Safewords may be overused
The further breakdown:
Lers: split 10 "Yes" and 10 "No"
Lees/Switches: 15 "Yes" and 5 "No"
Approach Unidentified: 4 "Yes" and 3 "No"
There a couple of "outlayers" postings, which responses were hard to identify, or they did not seem to respond to the theme of the thread.
I've saved a few good quotes from the notes which I thought really "said it good":
Find others you can mail with. Meet folks at gatherings, and talk about this stuff. We're the crew that shares aspects of your interest. Bounce ideas off the open minds.
Most importantly the safeword acts as a fallback guard for psychological surprises.
Some landmines are sneaky and the emotional wave they release surprises the sub and drowns them slowly and quietly. By the time they realize something is very very wrong they may be in very deep. A safeword stops these times cold.
I see them as an important tool that hurts nothing to have about, and perhaps can head off a huge amount of badness.
In addition to the availabililty of safewords
Looking for physical signs, and not using safewords as the sole criteria, to stop, makes perfect sense to me.
A safeword is just another means of communication, not the sole system in place.
A 'ler who's 'lee has a safeword is still going to stop when she's blue and choking whether she used her word or not,
As said 'ler, you [are still obliged to] HAVE to read that negotiation for play, and know what to interpret, and know how to read that person's responses, and how to figure out what they DIDN'T say.
Everyone who plays sanely has something they can say to end the play. Whether it's "red", "I can't breathe!" or "arugula", if it's something a 'lee can say that immediately ends the play then it's a safeword/safephrase and we all know it. And is that necessary? Absolutely. Even people who dislike safewords listen to words that, well, keep the 'lee safe...
If a 'lee is gagged, then some sort of safe signal is extremely important.
The sub always has a measure of power in exchanges that are consensual. It’s part of the design of ‘consensual’, it’s just there. All a safeword does is codify the escape button, and make it clear to all. They know, I know. I’m not having to guess between the good screaming and the bad screaming. The good crying and the bad crying.
Yes we have adopted rules from the BDSM community because those are the rules and standards which have kept THEIR community together. Do you think they would have munches, private parties, and dungeons if there were no safewords? No the fabric of their community would come appart because trust is a LONG thing to build up to.
In the end though the lee's safety, sanity, and overall well-being should be the top priority and concern of any ler who takes on that level of control over another individual. Dismissing safewords as unecessary and abused in all cases is simply not practical.
There is a lot of play which is all within the sub's mind that is just as powerful. No the sub is not likely to suffer physical harm but the emotional energy in such scenes can sometimes go too far.
Safewords are essential for bringing NEW people into the scene. Without safewords I know that most gatherings would be non existant.
If I'm hostin' an event, EVERYONE gets the safeword talk
In regular SM safewords aren't usually used to avoid physical injury, because an injury is usually already done before anyone could think to use a safeword. You prevent injuries by playing safely to begin with. A safeword is usually used when a bottom is approaching or has passed his or her limits, and that can happen just as easily in tickling.
It's very easy for a ler who doesn't switch to think that tickling is no big deal. If you haven't experienced it, you simply can't know. Also, every lee is different.
I need a safeword more for tickling than I do for pain. It is far more trying on the senses and much, much easier to be pushed past limits. I admit I get nervous of lers who are not really ticklish themselves, or who have never been tied up and tickled beyond their limits trying to lay down what a lee should be able to take, or saying "it's only tickling". Until one experiences that for themselves, there is just no way to put into words how truly extreme it can be. It's far more than just tickling. Once past a certain point, it can become both emotionally and physically abusive. That can be a real problem.
Once I am pushed past my limits, I go into panic mode. And more than once that panic mode has lead to palpitations and hyperventilation. I don't care how well my ler knows me, in those situations I NEED a safeword. And given the fact I don't know when those problems will arise during a session, I won't play without them.
A panicking 'lee can become deadly serious when they're afraid of freaking out or losing too much control, and insist on an end to the play so firmly that you would be an untrustworthy 'ler not to stop.
Someone who really and truly needs the play to stop, who will *not* be just fine afterward if you keep going, will let you know instead of continuing to laugh. There's no difference to me between "red" and "ow fuck STOP" except that the former has been predetermined by several adult communities, of which occasionally other communities need to deny being part for various reasons.
If a top don't read their bottom correctly, that's one 'lee that will be damaged goods afterward.
No one here, no matter how long they've been playing and with how many people they've played, can read minds. Expertise be damned, empathy only goes so far. It's nice that you're good at 'reading' people; but at the end of the day, you are not me. You're not inside my head and you need to listen to me when I show you, in whatever way works best, that I need you to stop. And I believe that every 'ler who has posted here would stop if the 'lee needed them to and communicated that
if you were taken 'past your limit' and you were just fine and happy afterwards, guess what? That wasn't really your limit.
And finally, At "House Affleck" the House Safeword is RED.
Spenser
