Stupid Quotes

[Limeoutsider]

"Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber."
- Ad in Arizona Republic

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
- Barbara Boxer, Senator


"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach


"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate


"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Budapest Zoo sign

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President


More later

 

[Krokus]

LOL....the Canada one with Britney Spears was hilarious.

 

[tommytikl]

"Please feed the guards..."

 

[sole seeker]

Cute Lime, very cute! I'd like to read more of these gems.

 

[Limeoutsider]

"Man shots neighbor with machete."
- Miami Herald, headline

"Okay, everyone, now inhale... and then dehale!"
- Maury Wills, Los Angeles Dodgers captain, leading his teammates through warm-up calisthenics

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant


"A 'No Parking' sign at a certain location means..."
- multiple choice question on NY State learner's permit test

"Danny, as you know, was hospitalized last week after complaining about chest and sideburns."
- Ned Martin, Sportscaster


"It is thought that Raj Mohammed Poselay was beaten to death, possibly during a family fun day in the park."
- Newspaper, Wolverton Express & Star (UK)

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"And the ball is out here. No, it's not. Yes it is. No, it's not. What happened."
- Phil Rizzuto, NY Yankees announcer

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.


"Man thought hurt, but slightly dead."
- Providence Journal Headline


"While sitting in a tavern, someone hit my nose from behind."
- reason given for insurance claim

 

[milagros317]

LOL. Very funny, Lime. 😀

 

[Ticklemmmeeeeee]

LMAO!!!!!!!

 

[Alex Warfield]

[B"A 'No Parking' sign at a certain location means..."
- multiple choice question on NY State learner's permit test
[/B]

It gets worse. My step mother works at Disabled Services in Jax. One day a gentleman called and asked: "Scuse me, but there's a sign outside this here building that says, 'no parking anytime.' When does that go into effect?"

 

[sole seeker]

Damn fine, Ms. Lime! I enjoyed reading these. BTW:

Originally posted by Limeoutsider
"Man thought hurt, but slightly dead."
- Providence Journal Headline

Talk about a prime example to show the need for proper punctuation! Do you think they meant this?:
"Man thought hurt but slightly, dead."

 

[Limeoutsider]

"The dragon is a very powerful, mythical animal, well, probably they think I'm powerful, thank you very much."
- Yoko Ono, on being called a Dragon Lady.

"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player (yes thas how it works)


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Do Not Place Hand In Fan While Fan Is Running."
- Warning label on central air conditioning unit (Oh yeah)


"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player (Yea, thats it)


"They are not jackbooted Nazi thugs. They are merely German policemen in spiffy uniforms here to help us."
- Vichy government (1941 - 1945) (Ummm-Hmmmm)

"I don't know all the certain words to word it."
- Vanilla Ice, Rap Star, on why he hired a ghostwriter for his autobiography (You were expecting??)



"Did people build this, or did Indians?"
- Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins



"I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians."
- Tom Lasorda, former Dodger manager on World Cup soccer tournament

"I favor access to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation."
- Ted Kenneday, US Senator


"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left winger, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

 

[milagros317]

"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player (yes thas how it works)

Two of my favorite non-baseball quotes by Yogi:

"If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there."

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

 

[His Divine Shadow]

LMAO!!! These are priceless.😀

 

[Dave2112]

"More and more of our imports are coming from overseas" - George W. Bush

"We don't tolerate leakers. Leaking is bad, and we will do everything in our power to stop the leakers who leak things" - George W. Bush

"Where would this country be without this great land of ours?" - Ronald Reagan

"Let's make Greedo shoot first" - George Lucas

"Please feel free to take advantage of the housekeeper" - sign on a Swedish Ramada Inn

"Do not look into laser" - warning label on the inside of a UPC code scanner lens

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye" - warning label on a Lasik machine

"Do not look into open end" - warning on BigJim's lightsaber

 

[Limeoutsider]

"Guys aren't able to get $15 or $20 million anymore, so you have to play for the love of the game."
- Penny Hardaway, NBA Basketball Player


"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island



"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.


"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony


"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.


"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
- Everett Dirksen, Congressman

 

[natural tickler]

"They pay you cash, which is just as good as money" Yogi Berra

 

[Roseblossom]

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

I can't believe Bush overlooked this man to head the
Environmental Protection Agency!

~Rose~

 

[Limeoutsider]

Well, I got them from www.amusingfacts.com if you want to see more of them

 

[milagros317]

Thanks for the link, L.O. It is an amusing site. 😀