Sub/Slave Training

[Strider]

So, I was curious if anyone familiar with this particular topic might be able to share any general experiences they've had(mainly looking for the Dom's point of view, but anyone with knowledge can feel free to chime in). It's fine if you want to shoot me a message instead of responding here. My experience with the topic so far comes mainly from firsthand observation with a few individuals who've Mentored me, so I'm interested in seeking out other perspectives, seeing as I'm about to engage in training someone.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

oi...this is kinda news, but Cloudslave (who was only a slave in screenname, not in reality) has actually agreed to be my submissive. since then, it's been hella fun, and we have bonded a lot more since then.

i guess all i really do is communicate and coach. nipple clamps are tough for her, but i help her breathe and relax, rather than focus on the fact that it hurts. i also talk to her after the session is over and find out what she liked, what she didn't, and what she'd be willing to try again or in the future.

i have also made sure she understands the safewords and when to use them. since Red and Yellow tend to be the norm, and the best way to communicate the submissive's state (you can scream "MERCY!" and "STOP!" all day long...but it takes the safeword to let me know that you are really needing a breather), we have adopted them as our own.

as a foot fetishist, i make sure she knows that once she's around me, her soles are clean. one of the rules we have. she also asks permission for just about every thing in play: a kiss, flogging, orgasm, etc. but above all i make sure she is enjoying herself, is safe, comfortable, and doesn't feel pushed or pressured.

 

[BellaRisa]

I've been a collared submissive for years now and I have Domme experience as well, may I ask what questions you have?

Bella

 

[drew70]

I guess it all depends on what you are training him/her to do. There are all kinds of training methods and packages available to instructors. If it's physical training, I recommend an emphasis on cardio along with circuit training involving lower weights as this increases endurance without building bulk.

If you're talking about academic training, then check with the local colleges for an appropriate textbook out of which to base your curriculum. Daily quizzes involving true/false and multiple choice are good for retention. Try to provide an reasonable amount of handouts without going overboard. Lab exercises and hands on training are extremely effective teaching tools.

Good luck!

 

[ViperGTS]

I guess it all depends on what you are training him/her to do. There are all kinds of training methods and packages available to instructors. If it's physical training, I recommend an emphasis on cardio along with circuit training involving lower weights as this increases endurance without building bulk.

If you're talking about academic training, then check with the local colleges for an appropriate textbook out of which to base your curriculum. Daily quizzes involving true/false and multiple choice are good for retention. Try to provide an reasonable amount of handouts without going overboard. Lab exercises and hands on training are extremely effective teaching tools.

Good luck!

You were the last person I expected to see in this thread after the Tickling & BDSM thread fiasco.

 

[Babbles]

I did almost do a double-take...

But of course Drew would be among the first one would expect with a humorous reply...

 

[TMF Jeff]

Stay on topic please.

 

[lk70]

There are various sorts of checklists and contracts and whatnot that you can find online. Probably a good idea to take a look at some of them and develop something that works for you.

And I assume I don't have to tell you that you can get a lot of info by posting this on CollarMe?

 

[Redmage]

There are any number of guides out there for training a submissive. It's popular in some corners of the kink community to pretend that one of these ways, or some particular set of behaviors, represents the "best" way or even the "true" way. Most of that is rubbish, though. "Training" is basically a process of finding the moods and behaviors that enhance the power dynamic for both the sub and the Dom.

It's like painting a picture: making an image that lives in both of your heads manifest in the real world. So the first step is to talk with your sub about how she views a D/s relationship, and explain to her how you view it. Find the common ground between you, and then you'll have a good start on how to make it real for both of you.

 

[Strider]

There are any number of guides out there for training a submissive. It's popular in some corners of the kink community to pretend that one of these ways, or some particular set of behaviors, represents the "best" way or even the "true" way. Most of that is rubbish, though. "Training" is basically a process of finding the moods and behaviors that enhance the power dynamic for both the sub and the Dom.

Yeah, that's part of why I posted this. Every D/s relationship I've observed has slight differences due to the personalities of the individuals involved, and I've tried to assimilate whatever parts of any of them have made sense to me. So, figuring that some on this board have experience in the subject, I figured I'd try and see what I could learn here. In a discussion group I attended a few months ago, I prefaced my statement by saying that I was new, and had really only considered myself lifestyle for a bit over a year; a gentleman responded by saying he was also new, and he'd been doing this for 17 years. I'm beginning to understand what he meant.

It's like painting a picture: making an image that lives in both of your heads manifest in the real world. So the first step is to talk with your sub about how she views a D/s relationship, and explain to her how you view it. Find the common ground between you, and then you'll have a good start on how to make it real for both of you.

I'd say our boundaries have been pretty solidly laid down at this point, in the sense that we know what the relationship is and what it isn't. There may, at some point, be an extension of the boundaries past where they already are, but I don't foresee that happening in the immediate future.

I've been a collared submissive for years now and I have Domme experience as well, may I ask what questions you have?

I suppose I'm primarily looking for views on the comparative merits and demerits of a highly structured routine vs. a more freeform one(yeah, I know that's vague, sorry).

 

[Redmage]

I'd say our boundaries have been pretty solidly laid down at this point, in the sense that we know what the relationship is and what it isn't. There may, at some point, be an extension of the boundaries past where they already are, but I don't foresee that happening in the immediate future.

That's a start, but boundaries are only part of what I mean. Boundaries mark off where you don't want to go, but taken alone they leave everything inside their limit still undefined. In other words defining what you don't want is crucial, but so is defining what you do want.

To extend the art analogy, if you asked me how to paint a picture I'd say first decide what you want to paint. That decision by itself will make many of the "how" choices clear.

I suppose I'm primarily looking for views on the comparative merits and demerits of a highly structured routine vs. a more freeform one(yeah, I know that's vague, sorry).

My answer assumes that by structure you mean rules and how strictly they're applied or interpreted. Generally speaking the advantage of a lot of structure is clarity. Both of you tend to understand better what's expected of you in any given situation. From the Top side this offers a strong feeling of, well, Toppiness for want of a better term. From the bottom side it offers a lot of security and a sense of being looked after, cared for. It feels like the Top's attention is present even when the Top is not.

The downsides to structure are less flexibility and more work. While a structured relationship gives more clarity in most situations, it's harder to adapt to situations that aren't covered in the rules. Likewise, the more control the Top takes, the more responsibility he or she assumes.

Lack of structure has the opposite pluses and minuses. It gives less of a sense of immediacy to the bottom, but more autonomy to serve both the Top's needs and the bottom's own needs. It's less hands-on control for the Top, but a lot more time to relax.

My advice would be to start not with "how much structure," but rather "where is structure important?" There will be certain times, or certain aspects of your relationship, where both of you want rules. And there will be other times where they just add more effort than either of you think is worthwhile.

 

[Strider]

My answer assumes that by structure you mean rules and how strictly they're applied or interpreted.

Yeah, that's what I was getting at. Thanks for the general advice, btw. And thanks to everyone else who's posted.